Racing Thoughts And Anxiety

I woke up at 4 am and almost immediately my thoughts started to race. It’s as if my mind never got any rest. They are not positive thoughts either, and they are causing me a lot morning of anxiety as well. 

I keep thinking about my family, which I have been doing a lot of recently. There have been so many times that I have wanted to text my mom, but something is always holding me back. Plus, my sponsor doesn’t think it’s a good idea – yet. What would I say after seven months anyway? I mean, they would never think of apologizing to me for stealing my dog, they would never give him back; Max is theirs now. They would never apologize for casting me out because of who I chose to date, even if I would apologize for having my own mind.

I have come to the conclusion that they are not really interested in hearing from me, and that they are also not ready to hear from me – yet. Will they ever be ready? I have no idea.

I feel like I was never really apart of their inner group anyway. I have always been the black sheep; the outcast. They made that loud and clear throughout the years. It still hurts, though. If one person hates someone, usually they ALL have to hate someone as a group. I don’t understand why they all hate me so much. The least they could do is be grown up enough to tell me why they hate me. How can I rectify something when I don’t know exactly what I did wrong; other than get back with someone they hate.

My family, extended family included, hates this person or that person. They are all broken up. My Grammy (R.I.P.) was the glue that held us all together. Now that she’s gone, everyone is completely separated. I feel like I no longer have any cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings, or even a mom anymore on my mother’s side.

On my dad’s side, they cast me out a long time ago because I was never close to my dad for several reasons. Which now, my dad and I are closer than ever. I still have no one on my dad’s side expect him and his immediate family. I have no other family other than them

If a family is so important to everyone, why don’t I have many? It makes me feel lonely. Doesn’t anyone miss me? It makes me feel really sad. Thinking about everything, I can feel the tears starting to sting my eyes. They just really want to fall. 😦

I am really thankful and grateful for the people that I do have in my life still; My dad, Mike, Jazmine and her kids, Crystal and my nephews, and Megan – my sponsor and friend.