Completely Heartbroken

Completely Heartbroken 💔


I’m drowning again, only this time I have a legitimate reason for being pulled under the water this time around. Sometime this morning when Mike, my boyfriend, wakes up he is going to be calling his dad to try to have him help find new living arrangements for himself. He’s leaving me. We didn’t even really have our normal full blown fight, it was very minor. He just wanted me to come to bed with him but I said no because I wasn’t ready to go to bed at the time. Next thing I know he’s saying he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and breaking up with me.  Continue reading

Anxiety & Insomnia: August 18, 2017 2:45am

So, I did end up getting paid. Babygaga is a legit company, however, I still have no cash in hand. I’m stuck waiting for PayPal to transfer it to my bank, and then floor my bank to release it to me. I’m a highly impatient person, and I’ve been workout real income since March so I really, really needed this money ASAP. I know I’ve waited this long, so what’s one more day. Logically, that makes so much sense, but I’m not always a logic person.

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Visual Exercises For Letting Go Of Throughts

 

Visual Exercises For Letting Go Of Thoughts


Letting go of negative thoughts can be very hard at times. Sometimes it helps to just visualize your thoughts leaving your mind in different ways rather than sitting there and dwelling on them. Overthinking will just make things worse in the end.

Here are a few visualization exercises to try to help let go of your negative thoughts (from the book 30 Minute Therapy for Anxiety):

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Early Morning Anxiety

I just seem to be feeling overly anxious at the moment, and I only just woke up less than an hour ago. I cannot get my mind to just stop running wild. Today I will be getting my first paycheck from Babygaga. It still feels kind of unreal to me. Like, how did I get a job writing articles for a living? I’m not fully going to believe it until that money is my account, I guess. I really should’ve asked my editor what time they usually deposit the pay at so I’m not anxiously waiting like some crazy person. (Oh, wait. I am some crazy person!) Continue reading

My Panic Attack: June 26, 2017

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My Panic Attack: June 26, 2017

With my emotions running ramped, it is not surprising that I am having panic attacks. It’s also not surprising that they are back to back. What is surprising, is that the fact that looking into my kitchen, and seeing that it was a mess and realizing that I need to get the dishes done and clean up while still getting my articles done sent me into a horrible, full blown panic attack. It was the tiniest thing sent me into the deep end.

I am still feeling overwhelmed, and it is really getting to me. I am trying to remain positive when all I want to do is give up. My PTSD is getting to me, my low self-esteem is getting to me, my mood swings are getting to me, my having to deal with my emotions because I am not sober is getting to me, everything is getting to me. I feel alone again even though I have people there for me and I was shown that today.

I was on the phone with my mom this morning and I was upset and crying off and on since the little things make me cry. I can’t stop the waterworks. I just want this to stop. It’s driving me insane. My mom was breaking stuff down for me to do, and I decided to try what she was saying.

I walked into my kitchen, like I said above, and started crying, walked into my bedroom and started hyperventilating. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was being choked, or like I was drowning, deep into the water. I started crying harder. I text my mom, told her I can’t go into the kitchen anymore and that it gave me a panic attack. It was so hard to text. The panic attack subsided rather quickly.

Then my as mom called me, another panic attack started and I couldn’t breathe again due to the fact that I started to hyperventilate and cry hysterically again. I felt like I was going to die, literally. My mom was on the other end of the phone trying to calm me down, then she said she was coming right over, and that she would be there in 20 minutes. The panic attack didn’t last too long and subsided again., but the tears were still there.

I avoided my kitchen like the plague, but another panic attack came about. My chest started to feel tight, my breathing became rapid, I started to feel panicky, and tears began to drop even more. Next thing I know, I am crying hysterically, I am in such a panic. The way it feels is compared to being told that a loved one has just died, or that your worst nightmare has just come true and you just wish it were over or you just feel like you are about to die. I start breathing so hard that I start to hyperventilate, and it feels like someone is strangling me and I have to fight for air. I just can’t breathe or catch my breath. I start to get dizzy from not being able to breathe right, and I feel like I am going to faint. Then all of a sudden, it starts to feel better little by little, and my breathing slows down a tad. And as sudden as it came on it was gone.

When my mom arrived, I was a little calmer but still a mess. I was still crying at every little thing. Why am I such a mess? I hate this. I don’t know if this all my bipolar or something else entirely. I am so glad my mom came over. She was able to calm me down a lot more and help me get me kitchen from being in such disarray. We talked about a lot and she suggested few powerful things to me that maybe I will eventually share. I didn’t want her to leave when it was time for her to go though because I didn’t want to be alone with my own thoughts.

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My Momm & I

After my mom left, everything got a bit better for a little at least. It’s always something bringing me down though, and even as I am writing this, yet, another situation has arisen. I just can’t deal.

 

-Samantha ♥

 

 

June 17, 2017 S.I.C., NJ

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I guess it’s safe to say I made it to my destination without much of an issue. I wish I could say I have been having the time of my life since I’ve gotten here, but that would be an outright lie. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed myself at times. But at other times, I’ve felt like I was crawling out of my skin.

There was wine and beer everywhere when I first arrived, and I couldn’t help but look at it like a long lost friend. Like, “Hey! Hey, you! Let me take a good look at ya!” I had to just walk away from it. I feel so weak and powerless over it. I mean, I know I am weak and powerless over it… step one, and all that happy horse crap… but I just mean, I feel like a little kid pining after a toy they saw on TV that they just have to have but will never actually get.

I can only imagine how much I am driving everyone else nuts with my persistent whining about having the urge to drink/use while I am out here because even I am getting on my own damn nerves already! I can’t tolerate myself, so I don’t see how anyone else is able to tolerate me either.

I feel like I should just shut up already and suffer in silence, but I know, and I mean I KNOW, that if I do that, I will most likely pick up a drink at some point during this week, and I will not be able to stop with just one. I at least know that much about myself.

I’m staying with my boyfriend’s family at a beach house they rented, and earlier this evening they had a party here and there was literally alcohol everywhere. I became highly antisocial and stayed in the one bedroom working on my current article.

Lucky for me, I had recently confided in my boyfriend’s dad that I am a recently recovering alcoholic and he was very understanding. I must admit, I was very surprised. Since we are staying at the house he rented, he said it would be fine to just eat and then leave before everyone got drunk, so that I would not have to be around that. I really appreciated that.

I knew being around a lot of people that were going to be consuming alcohol was going to be hard, but I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. I wonder if feeling like this is normal, or if I am overreacting? Is it this hard for people to stay sober while on vacation or just me? It makes me feel like I never want to leave my house again.

While the dinner party was going on, my boyfriend and I ended up slipping out after we had eaten and went to the Sea Isle City boardwalk and just walked around. It was pretty fun. I got to take a few pictures, but I was still really anxious. Being a recovering bipolar alcoholic completely sucks… there are just way too many emotions going on at all times.

Regardless of anything though, I am determined to try to have some fun this week. I just need to keep documenting my journey as a means of a coping mechanism for me. I want to be able to look back on this next year, still sober, and see that I was able to make it through.


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June 16, 2017 2:53am

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I should be excited right now since I leave for vacation Saturday morning, but the closer it gets the more anxious I start to feel. This is going to my first vacation sober. I don’t know how well I am going to be able to handle that, especially without a sponsor now. And what does every normal person do on vacation? They get wasted, right? I mean, that’s what I always did on vacation? That’s what everyone on my Facebook does on vacation? The same with my friend, my family, and most of the people that I am going to be with for the next week. I just want to fell like a normal human being again.

If I have to look on the bright side, I guess I can at least say that my boyfriend doesn’t drink or use and that I also know I have some amazing people that I can call if I need too. However, that still doesn’t stop or help, the anxiety that I am feeling now and will most likely feel at certain times when I see other people throwing back Tequila shots.

I am not at the point in my sobriety yet where I can even listen to people talk about getting drunk without me wanting to get in on the fun, let alone me being around people who are going to be drinking heavily right in front of me. I can start to feel the panic rise in me even just thinking about it.

Unless a person has dealt with addiction firsthand, they could never know what I am going through right now. Or why my thought process is the way it is, or even why I am making such a big deal about this. In order to understand the grip that addiction truly can have on a person, someone would have to witness it firsthand. Whether it be from struggling through it themselves or watching a loved one being brought down slowly.

Alcoholism and drug use is more serious than this, but I heard an analogy similar to this and figured it was worth fixing it up a bit because people who aren’t addicts would be able to understand this more than anything else. They would at least be able to catch the gist of it:

Addiction is like being on a strict diet. You know you are medically not allowed to have sugar because it is bad for you, so you have to stay away from it. You do all the right things. You eat right, you go to the gym every day, and you stay away from those donuts because those donuts have the sugar in them that will kill your diet. You do those same things day in and day out. One day, after being on your diet for a few months, you decide that one bite of a donut won’t hurt you. After all, you have been going to the gym every day and eating right every day. So you take that one bite. Next thing you know, the entire donut is gone, and you are on your way to Dunkin’ Donuts to buy yourself a dozen. All your hard work is gone and out the window all because you wanted a taste of something sweet.

That basically explains addiction and relapse in the simplest way it can be put for people who normally just wouldn’t understand.

I hope that I will have enough will power in me to be able to make the right choices on this vacation because I honestly don’t feel like recounting my days. That feels like too much work to me. 😀

 

Coping Techniques For Anxiety, Panic Attacks, PTSD, Etc…

Coping Techniques For Anxiety, Panic Attacks, PTSD, Etc…

By: Samantha Steiner


  • Describe the area you are in, in detail. (Pink walls, three purple chairs, 1 flat screen TV, etc…)
  • Play a categories game. (Types of cars; Honda, Jeep, etc.)
  • Describe an activity in detail with all the steps, like how to make a PB&J Sandwich. (Get the bread, open the bread, take out two slices of bread, etc…)
  • Keep repeating that you are safe. Say something like, “My name is Samantha, and I am safe right now. No one is going to hurt me. I am safe.” And say it over and over again.
  • Say the alphabet and count in between very S-L-O-W-L-Y. “A… 1… 2… 3… B… 1… 2… 3… C…”
  • Say a kind statement or affirmation. “I am a good person.” “I am worthy.”
  • Say the Serenity Prayer over and over again, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Or any other saying that you really like.
  • Remember a place that you felt safe and try to describe it to yourself.
  • Think of a relaxing place and describe it to yourself using your senses. As an example, think of a sunny deserted beach. Think of how the ocean would smell, the peace that you would have, the feel of the sun on your skin, or the ocean water creeping up your legs.
  • Saying a coping type statement like, “This will pass “or “I can handle this.”
  • Picture people you care about or love and describe what they look like to yourself. Imagine their voice saying kind things to you.
  • Run cool water over your hands.
  • Touch random objects that are around you and compare them. What is the weight difference? Color Difference? Width/length difference?
  • Carry a “grounding” object in your pocket and rub it whenever you feel anxious or need to ground yourself. Or you can also rub a necklace that you are wearing for the same effect and take notice to the feel of the object. If is rough or soft? Cold or warm?
  • Walk slowly noticing each footstep.
  • Stretch and focus on how your muscles and body feel with each movement.
  • Eat something and describe the flavoring and texture.
  • Focus on your breathing, saying to yourself, “Breathe in,” on each inhale and, “Breathe out,” on each exhale.
  • Put some lotion on your hands and slowly rub it around but not all the way in. Think of your senses. How does it feel? How does it look? How does it smell? How do you think it would taste? When you rub it around, does it make a sound? You can do think with almost anything. All you have to do is apply your five senses.
  • Journal or write. Get your feelings out somehow. Holding your feelings in and stuffing them down is not good for you and can do more damage than good. Even if you only make a small list just naming your currents emotions, it is better than nothing.
  • Talk to a trusted friend of family member. Don’t talk to anyone that you think will judge you or your emotions because, honestly, who needs that when you’re not feeling well.
  • Try anything that may distract you. Try, TV, movies, music, reading, surfing the web, social media, literally anything!
  • Go far walk or exercise. Something physical that will help you get your mind off of what you are feeling emotionally. Even some light stretching can help.
  • Cuddle with a pet! Pets have been shown to help improve mood and mental health.
  • Look up jokes. Anything that will make you laugh can’t be bad for you.
  • Look for support sites such as; supportgroups.com ; www.mydepressionteam.com ; www.phychcentral.com and so on
  • Write a gratitude list which is anything that you are grateful for. I know that it is hard to find things that you are grateful for when you are not feeling well so you can keep it simple. Aren’t you grateful you can see? Or hear? Or read? Or pick your nose? Whatever you would like to add, add it!
  • Deep breathing.
  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation. (I will make a post on the steps for how to do this soon. For now, you can always search for the steps.)
  • Create a list of at least 3-5 positive quotes and keep them on you. You can put the list in your wallet or purse and anytime you starto get stressed out read the list over and over again to help keep yourself calm. One of the quotes on my list is, “Don’t worry, be happy!”

This is only a list of some things to try. If none of these work for you try searching for different coping techniques. What works for one person might not work for someone else, and what works for you one day might also not work for you the next.

Coping techniques are something that needs to be practiced regularly and not just in the moment. The more you practice them the more effect they are when you need them the most.

If you have any techniques that you personally use that are not listed on her please leave them in the comments sections to help out other peoples when they are in need.

 

Remember, sharing is caring!