Today has been a very mentally and emotionally challenging day for me. I had the worst panic and anxiety attack that I have ever had in my life and it literally lasted for about an hour or perhaps even longer.
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It’s almost 6 in the morning and the bright, beaming sun will begin to rise soon and I still haven’t slept yet. My body feels exhausted and physically drained. I’m struggling with some mental fogginess as well. At this point, I am not even sure if I will make sense to anyone other than myself.
Another birthday has come and gone. This year on Tuesday, August 4th I turned 34-years-old. It’s hard to believe that another year has gone by already.
I have trouble with learning to love myself most days. I tend to lack any real self-esteem. In elementary school, I was even placed in a group for kids who had self-esteem issues as I did. Needless to say, loving – or even liking – myself for the way that I am has always been a major struggle for me.
I have tried so many different treatment options and therapies to help try to manage and maintain my mental health and chronic pain disorders. I have been on the medication roller coaster ride for nearly 20 years already, and I am only in my early 30’s! There was a lot that led up to me finally deciding to try medical marijuana.
I sincerely apologize for being MIA for the past few weeks. I just realized the other day that my last post was published on May 11th, 2020 (and was titled Mother’s Day Blues). My days are almost always blurred together lately and unless I have an appointment, I usually don’t know what I did on what day.
Mother’s Day is officially over with but it has been a very emotional day for me. I was able to wish my mom and a Happy Mother’s Day, but I hid my own feelings most of the day.
I would like to wish all the moms out there a Happy Mother’s Day! This includes all the moms who, like me, weren’t lucky enough to be able to being their little one in to this world for whatever reason; all the moms who either miscarried, had an ectopic pregnancy, gave birth to stillborn, and who had to terminate their pregnancy for selfless reasons.
I am not really feeling any better than I was last night when I wrote about being in an agitated, anxiety-fueled bipolar manic episode. If anything, I feel worse than I did yesterday. Perhaps this is because, like I anticipated, I did not get any sleep or rest last night. Instead, I manically wrote for hours on end. I didn’t even notice when nighttime turned into daylight.
Usually, I look forward to manic episodes as long as they are the happy, fun-loving, euphoric types of mania. But we don’t always get what we want, do we?
I am so excited to announce the release of my second book in the My Bipolar Mind series: My Bipolar Mind: Surviving the Chaos.
I am ecstatic right now! Today, April 18th, 2020, I found out that the re-release of my memoir “My Bipolar Mind” has made the #1 New Release spot on Amazon for Bipolar Disorder!
Don’t you just hate when your day goes from great to crappy then back to great again? It’s almost like my day was just as bipolar as I am!
I would like to start by wishing everyone a Happy (belated) Easter. Many of us couldn’t be with our immediate family this holiday thanks to COVID-19, but I hope you were all able to make the best of a bad circumstances!
“My Bipolar Mind” is NOW available on Amazon (again!)
Coming down from a manic episode can be different for everyone. We’re all unique in how our bodies and minds are made up. But for me, when I am coming down from a manic episode, it is almost comparable to coming down from a drug or alcohol high because that is exactly what our minds and bodies are doing; coming down from an emotional high.
Who else is up with me right now?! Well, technically it is after midnight already. But the title of this post is still very fitting right now. (It’s going on almost 2:30 a.m. already) And as I was trying to wind down and relax for the night by watching some Netflix, my mind decided rest would be out of the question – at least for the time being!
The past two days I have been in such a good mood. I got to spend the weekend hanging out with my mom (and boyfriend) despite all the Coronavirus restrictions and chaos.