Completely Heartbroken

Completely Heartbroken ūüíĒ


I’m drowning again, only this time I have a legitimate reason for being pulled under the water this time around. Sometime this morning when Mike, my boyfriend, wakes up he is going to be calling his dad to try to have him help find new living arrangements for himself. He’s leaving me. We didn’t even really have our normal full blown fight, it was very minor. He just wanted me to come to bed with him but I said no because I wasn’t ready to go to bed at the time. Next thing I know he’s saying he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and breaking up with me.¬† Continue reading

The Adventure Begins

 

The Adventure Begins


I am finally getting back to normal, and I love it! I was in such a bad spot with that depressive episode. Sleep was impossible, but that was all I wanted to do. I couldn’t sleep because my mind would not stop racing with all these horrible negative thoughts. I didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or even see anyone. I just wanted to disappear, and I was making plans to do so. I don’t think I ever felt that low in my life. I thought it was going to last forever, that I would be trapped inside my own mind thinking all these crazy things. Continue reading

Looking Up: For Today

Looking Up: For Today


I am too scared to say that my depression has lifted because I don’t want to get my hopes up. What I can say is that, for today, things are looking up. Just because I have had one good day, for the first time in weeks, does not mean that I am miraculously¬†cured, but I guess it’s a start, right? Continue reading

Sometimes It’s Okay To Do Nothing

oscar-keys-60730

Sometimes It’s Okay To Do Nothing


I had to repeatedly remind myself that it’s okay to do nothing over and over again this entire weekend. While my laptop was… down… I didn’t get any writing done so I spent the entire weekend vegging out with Mike and binge watching OITNB. (yes, I LOVE OITNB… die hard fan!!!) Do I really have to wait an entire year waiting for another season?! Seriously? I want to know what happens now! Now, what will I pass my time with when I am not mindlessly tapping away at my keyboard???

I am still in a severe depressive state but there isn’t a thing I can really do about that at the moment. I see my psychiatrist on 8/2/17, so until then I just have to make it through each moment when I have my downs. I guess that’s all anyone can really do when they are in a depressive episode, is trying to make it through the day.

I still believe that when a person is truly bipolar that they never get better (100%) because they spend their entire life waiting for the next high or low. I have mentioned that to my doctors over and over again, even when I was baseline. As a matter of fact… I can clearly¬†remember a doctor laughing with my as I said that too before I went on vacation. Being bipolar is a constant waiting game when you are baseline… you know that high or low is going to hit but you never know how hard or when.

Either way, I have to start getting back on track now… I had a few days off and I am feeling completely lazy and unmotivated. Actually, I have not been that into writing, in general, these past few days. I need to journal, I need to do something. I need to get creative for my own sanity. Even¬†this blog entry is kind of forced but kind of not. Does that even make any sense? Probably not… I need to sit down with a pen in my hand and make an actual journal entry or something. I cannot remember the last time I have done that.¬†(Remember my post about¬†Journaling And Mental Illness¬†yes, I need to do that!)

My very first article actually have close to 1 MILLION views! I cannot believe it! That is simply amazing! I never imagined anything that I would have ever created would have spread that far around. I still do not consider myself to be anything close to an okay writer. My editor also keeps sending me back articles and telling me that medical articles don’t do well when I am noticing other wise for me the articles that are not doing well are the ones that are the new style articles. Actually, the article with almost 1 Million Views is¬†12 Things That Can Affect The Baby‚Äôs Face While Pregnant I still kind of think that is because I messed up so bad in that article lol.

I am going to try to start bringing back some of the mental health stuff that I used to add in here. The tips and techniques and helpful stuff… it has just been very hard between my own moods and not taking my own advice, my articles, and everything else. I can offer the best advice to everyone, I just can’t take it my own advice. The same goes for therapists. They could be the best therapist in the world, but they can’t counsel themselves. I can do so much for everyone, I can just never seem to get my own shit together. I have tried everything I have written in here for tips and techniques and some days it works and some days it doesn’t.

I guess that is why I have such a laundry list of stuff to try… I just wish I had something to help get me out of this funk I am in now. I just feel like every time I dive into a depression the dive gets deeper and deeper. What’s going to happen the next time I take the leap? What’s going to happen if something else goes wrong while I am still under right now? I have so many questions but not enough answers.

This is not a fun place to be at right now. I want to find my way back to the surface but the water is so murky that I cannot get a clear view up to the top. &%$#! I might be fine every now and then but something always snaps me back to my reality and I remember how cruddy everything it. There is a lot that I still don’t let out to anyone. I just want to find someone that I can talk to. Everyone goes through stuff… unfortunately, I just happen to go through stuff several times a year. #mybipolarmind

 

 

Depressive Episode Part 2: My Bipolar Ride

ssadness

 

Depressive Episode Part 2: My Bipolar Ride

July 20, 2017


Sometimes I don’t even know where to start word wise. I will have so much to say or have so much going on inside my head but I will be at a loss of where to actually start… and that is what is happening to me right now. My emotions are on overload. When I think that things are getting better, or that maybe things will be okay, reality slaps me in the face and laughs at me and reminds me that nothing is okay. Nothing will ever be okay.

Yes, I know, this is just a depressive¬†episode. Key word being¬†episode and that things will get better. I get that, I really do. But when I think about it, and look at the bigger picture, technically nothing is ever okay because no matter what, there will ALWAYS be ANOTHER depressive episode to follow at a later time. It’s guaranteed in my life. Thanks, bipolar disorder… I love you too.

So I get to go on and think that things are getting better and that I am getting better and that life is full of laughter and joy, and all is fine and dandy… and then one day… it’s just not. Then I am back to this. And I am sad again. I will hate life again. I will want to just run away from everything, and everyone again. I will lose my spark for life. So wtf is the point if it will always turn back to this in the end? This is total nonsense to have to continue to deal with this every couple of weeks, or months, or however long this disorder decides to give me before it decides to knock me down again.

I was having a really good day hanging out with my best friend again, and then I went home and had to deal with the unnecessary¬†bullshit that made no sense at all. I was told that if I did not start going out that I had to leave my home, so I went out and had a good time. Afterward, had come home to get yelled at because my boyfriend didn’t want to come home to an empty house… after he told me he didn’t want me to isolate… I was just doing what I was told.

So the argument began… the tears began… the depression worsened… I wanted to fade away, to just disappear or become so small and unnoticeable. A friend sent me a text message and just said hey and asked how I was doing and I said not good and we just started talking and she calmed me down a little, which I want to thank her for because I was hysterical. I tried selling her my books. (I don’t know what it is with my books lately. I think it has something to do with the fact that they are something that means the most to me and to get rid of them signifies how done I am with everything… not sure but maybe.)¬†

I am so up and down today. When I am up, I’m UP… but when I’m down… I am so down that it isn’t even funny. I don’t even know where I am, mood wise, right now as I write this. I feel lost in some kind of limbo. I am not okay, but I not bad either. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t even know if it would be classified as numb. A part of me wants to laugh and the other part of me wants to cry and then another part of me feels nothing. I feel like I am broken into sections.

Then… hearing about the suicide of Chester from Linkin’ Park is like surreal and freaking nuts. I love Linkin’ Park and almost every song they came out with is f-ing amazing. Their song “Heavy” that they came out with not too long ago, hits home for me all too well. It is like they cracked open my head and peeked around because that is exactly what goes through my head half the time. If you have never heard that song before, you seriously need to listen to it and look up the lyrics. And this Part:

“You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so f**king messy”

That is me 100%. I do always feel like the world is out to get me, and I sure as hell don’t make this choice to like my mind stay so f-ing messy either, and it is messy. My whole mind set is screwed up. I just don’t want to be me anymore. I am sick of being me. Can’t I be someone else now? Can’t I have a new life now? I broke this life, and I really don’t think that I can fix it anymore. It’s not like I haven’t tried because I have. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.

Wow, some people argue with me about this but I think it takes bravery and courage to be able to actually follow through with a suicide. So, I guess I have to give Chester credit for that because a lot of people get scared and back out at the last second. It takes guts to be able to follow through with that little voice in the back of your head nagging at you, telling you that it is not too late to turn back or that maybe things will get better even though you know they really will not.

I feel like this black cloud is following me around, or this black shadow, and it is just waiting for me. It is consuming every ounce of energy that I have. It is trying to take me down further into this depression until I can see nothing but pitch black darkness. It will not allow any light to shine through. I honestly do not know what will happen if this shadow catches me because it is so close to me that I can feel its icy breath on my neck.

I don’t even know what part of this depressive episode I am in. I don’t know if I am in the beginning, middle, or end. I am hoping that I am not at the beginning because I don’t think I will be able to stand to feel any worse than I do and still make it out alive.

 

 

Depressive Episode Part 1: My Bipolar Ride

DepressionREAL (2)

Depressive Episode Part 1: My Bipolar Ride

July 19, 2017


My bipolar ride has finally taken me back to the lower end and I completely hate it. I knew the random manic highs I was getting weren’t going to last forever and that I would eventually crash to the lower side and now I am here and of course now everything looks bleak and gray.

I was isolating before because of my writing, but now I want to totally isolate and my boyfriend told me that he isn’t going to have that. A Requirement for me is to get out of the house every now and then or I can leave. Gray, everything just looks so gray. Dark clouds hover everything and I try to force myself to be social.

I was able to actually have a good time with my best friend today and it felt amazing. I was about to pull myself out of the darkness for a short period of time. As soon as she left everything started to fade to darkness again. I am drowning in the darkness. This bipolar ride is the worst thing ever and I just want it to stop.

My thoughts race with everything negative in my life and I cannot think of anything good. I don’t even have the ambition to write, and I notice that my writing is turning to complete sh*t and I wouldn’t be surprised if no one wanted to read any of it. My creative muse had also faded to the darkness and I cannot find it. I have no motivation to do anything at all. I am starving but I don’t even have it in my to eat a real meal.

I feel like I am just here… that’s it. I exist to do nothing. Everything just makes me want to cry and I feel like I cannot be myself. I feel like I always have to be someone else. I got so low earlier that I just wanted to start getting rid of all my sh*t. I love my books. I am an avid reader, and my books are like my babies. I do not like to loan them out because I fear I will never get them back or that the person I loan to will not treat them with respect… yet out of nowhere I burst out with, “I want to sell my books.” Where the hell did that come from?! Now, that is low. That is depression. The darkness had engulfed me fully. I was dead serious when I said it too.

At this current moment in time, I do not feel that low. I feel low, but I want to keep my books at this point in time. Check back later though.

I feel like everything I have done in the past few months has been a massive mistake and that I have ruined my life completely. I should have never let my break down after my old job affect me the way it did and I should have never left my old job. I I need the money, and apparently, my  boyfriend thinks I made a mistake when he was the one who said he was going to back me up completely.

I just… I don’t know. I feel like I %#*&ed up ¬†now and ruined anything after my boyfriend so nicely told me that I have gotten worse, mentally, since I stopped drinking but that I am not allowed to start drinking again and that I am just a miserable person to be around and that I am making him miserable and bringing him down.

Hearing all that just made my depressive episode all that much worse. I seriously don’t know what to say to that. I guess it is all true. I am a miserable person who does nothing but brings everyone else down all because I am down.


 

 

 

Thinking About Life: July 11, 2017

flash-bros-253761

Thinking About Life: July 11, 2017


After careful¬†consideration, I have decided to quit my ghostwriting job. It just was not worth it anymore. I sent them an email about it and their only response back was literally, “Oh, wow!” and I have not heard anything since. I was so nervous when I did it.

At first, the editor/owner or whatever she is, sent me an email asking me why an article was not done when it was due June 27th. We had a lengthy discussion about this article over a several day time span so she knew it was not done, and she even told me to hold off on it and focus on other stuff. So when I got an email asking me why it was not done, I lost my temper.

I sent a not so nice email explaining everything and told her that she may as well look for a new writer then if she is not going to work with me. I, again, told her that I could only do so many articles a week for her and she was going to have to accept that and I said a lot of other stuff.

In the end, she said to give her two weeks to find someone to pick up the slack but until then I still needed to do 6 articles¬†a week. At least she was finally trying to work with me, but I knew this was unrealistic for me. At this point, I had been up for way over 24 hours working on an article and I was cranky and exhausted and I will admit she was becoming my target. I had to repeat myself a lot though, maybe three or four times because she just wasn’t getting it the first few time I said something which was pissing me off.

She told me that she treats her writers like family and hopes that I would change my mind before the two weeks was up.

She needed me to do another article, and I told her I needed to sleep. So when I woke up, I just didn’t have it in me anymore. I sent a resignation email, and well, I already said the rest.

hidden smileAs of right now, I am happy writing for BabyGaga. They even offered me an extra incentive if I could write an extra article or two a week, “you’ve been producing great work so far and consistently,” as quoted from my email. It made me feel good because I don’t always know my worth. As I have said before, a few times. I just hope that I can keep producing worthy articles for them.

Part of me is paranoid that now that I quit my ghostwriting job that now I have nothing to call back on, just in case. But another part of me is like, well at least now I have something with¬†my name on it. It’s weird I guess. I don’t know if it is normal to feel like that. I never know if anything that I am feeling is considered¬†normal.

What is¬†normal anyway? There is no such thing as normal, I guess because everyone is unique in their own way and everyone has their own unique way of thinking. I need to stop asking myself, “Is this normal?” for that simple reason… everyone is unique. I don’t keep that in mind enough, even though I already know it.

Old Liquor Bottle

Anyhow, I know I talk about my recovery¬†a lot but that is because it is a big part of my life and I am truly sorry if I bore anyone but I need to talk about it again. I find myself wanting to drink a lot more these days, and I don’t know why. Maybe it has something to do wth summer being here. I really don’t know. I kind of regret building such a strong¬†support system because now no will let me drink, but I know that in all actuality it is a good thing. But damn, I could go for a few drinks. Maybe a few bottles. It makes me want to get alcohol and hid it from people, but I would feel too guilty to do that. It has been ever since I hit my three-month mark that the urges to drink have really crept in and have been hitting hardcore.

I’ve been lucky to meet some really nice women in recovery recently over FB the last few days who have been nice enough to talk to me. Now it’s 2 am, and I have their numbers, but I am struggling to utilize them right now when I need too because it’s so late because I would love a drink right now… but it’s okay because I am broke lol.

I am struggling to not use that word again…¬†normal.

i hate my bodyOn another note, I had been doing so well losing weight and then I went to the beach and &%@ed it all up. I cannot stress how much I am hating how much weight I have put on in such a short period of time. I even stopped getting on the scale now all together. I am so, beyond, disappointed in myself. I took months, and months of hard work and just through it out the window. I could try to blame it on new meds, I could try to blame it on trying to stay sober, but I am serious the only one to blame for this one.

I know I sound like a teenage girl, and I may as well be, but I really hate myself right now for this. I must have put on twenty pounds in a month. I would know for sure if I would get on the scale again, but I am straight scared too because it would probably just depress me no matter what the number is. I see in my stomach, my face, the way my close fit, the way my boyfriend looks at me.

body dysmorphia

Between the weight issues and not being able to drink, it kind of puts me in the mindset to want to resort back to self-harming again. I was just thinking about that earlier too. It was my boyfriends birthday today, so I tried to be on my best behavior and be as pleasant as I could possibly be.

I know it’s just my body dysmorphia. But damn, I really I need do something. Starting next week, I am going to start trying to lose the excess weight that I put on. I need some major encouragement.

All I guess some of this stuff is just triggering some depressive issues. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Maybe my bipolar depression is triggering some of these issues.

Speaking of bipolar disorder, we always have to add that into the mix, I get random bouts of mania lately triggered by who knows what that does not last very long, followed by a quick bout of depression, followed by some baseline stuff. I am definitely rapid cycling by the hours sometimes. I never used to think they were possible until I asked my doctor one day, and they are. I don’t know if they are rare or anything like that because I didn’t ask but they do happen. Usually, I cycle every few days, or weeks, and at the¬†very maximum a month.

 ♥ Gotta Love Bipolar ♥

Bipolar-Depression

-Samantha‚ô•

 

 

July 4th, 2017

firestick

July 4th, 2017


Introduction

Today has been pretty good for me while also marking my first 4th of July Sober. But I managed to make it through with of too much of an issue. I did not even get my a** to a meeting like I should have. Then again, I also did not get any sleep like I should¬†have… I have not been to bed yet and I tried everything I could think of, besides illegal¬†stuff and drugs and alcohol, to get me to sleep but to no avail. (So, I am hoping the Unisom¬†I took mixed with my Remeron will help me sleep tonight finally.)¬†

Babygaga.com & Ghostwriting

So, I got some amazing news that I am beyond excited about! That babygaga.com thing did turn out to be a smart move on my part. I got an email response today and they asked me to submit a few more topic ideas, so I did. Then I got a welcome e-mail and that said they were interested in having me join their team! I am on a 6 week trial period, which is understandable, and I would get $20 an article plus $0.40/1,000 views. That is way, way more than I am making now as I ghostwriter.

I emailed her back and thanked you graciously for the opportunity and said that I can’t wait to get started and to let me know where we go from here. As for my ghostwriting job, I may as well spill the beans now… I ghostwrite for someone on babygaga and make a hell of a lot less than they make per article. And while they have 3-4 days to complete their¬†articles for babygaga, they have only been giving me a one-day deadline. However, I have decided that I really don’t want to give the ghostwriting job fully, especially since I am only on a 6 week trial period. I mean, what if, for whatever reason, things don’t work out between me and babygaga and I¬†need something¬†to fall back on at least I will have the ghostwriting.

I emailed the lady that assigns me the articles and explained that I am starting a new job, and will let her know when I find out more, but that I doubt I will be able to take on more than 2-3 articles a week tops. Actually, 3 would even be pushing it. I would have to literally work 7 days a week even just doing the 2 articles a week. It will be worth it though, and I am so ecstatic to see what will come of this babygaga.com website content writer position.

I am hoping that my current position, the ghostwriting, will understand that I needed to take on more work, especially since they pay me so little. (I make like $6.88 an article at most.) I also hope that they don’t decide to hire me over this, especially¬†because I really do need the money and they are good with their¬†pay. Plus, I need them to leave positive feedback for me on my Upwork profile so more people will want to/consider hiring me in the future.

90 Days Clean (3 Months)  & 4th of July

I cannot believe it! Saturday, July 8th, will be my 90 days clean. Or, in-other-words, my 3 months clean. I am definitely going to a meeting Saturday to receive my 3 months sober coin. I cannot believe I have made it this far without using drugs or alcohol. Only God know, how many times I have had the urges or cravings to get drunk. More so, I like the feeling of being drunk and getting out of my own head, even if it’s just for an hour to a few hours.

I don’t miss: the hangovers, the vomiting, the extra calories (even though I have been making that up in food, the heartburn, the feeling like death or like I’m literally dying the next day, the not remembering what I did because I was drunk phases, the arguing with people and forgetting the arguments because I was drunk phases, the excessive thirty, the drunk dialing/texting/social mediaing phases, the suicidal phases, the self-injury phases, the freaking out for no reason phases, the not remember what I did the night before phases, the forgetting things at places phases, the all of the above and more phases.

I do miss: the feeling less awkward, feeling like I fit in, not giving a shit, not caring what people think about phase, the overly confident phase, the more outgoing phase, the language that only your twin could understanding, the general not caring phase, the general boost of self-confidence phase, room service just because I can. There is a requirements list.

The feeling of being drunk without the aftermath and stages of literacy would be really nice. I made it through almost the whole entire holiday without wanting to drink. That is probably because I have kept myself really busy with articles and other little things. Holidays seem to be getting easier to be around without getting sloshed. Then again, I wasn’t really around much alcohol either. If I were to be around alcohol or if it were readily available, that may have been a different story.

My Dad

I got a call from my dad that he’s in the hospital. I guess he has appendicitis. They are keeping him overnight, ¬†giving him IV antibiotics, and then checking in on him in the morning and deciding if he needs his appendix out, which he most likely does. I wish I could go visit him, but he lived down south and I am up north. So I am wishing him a speedy recovery and hoping that he gets better fast.¬†‚ô•

Articles & Topics

I am having severe #writersblock already and cannot figure out what to write for my next article. I am just glad that When Love Turns Toxic got published on vocal. If anyone has any suggestions for topic ideas relating to:

  • Mental Health
  • Addiction
  • Love, Relationships & Dating Advice
  • Other Medical Topics
  • Reviews
  • Pregnancy & Parenting
  • Family Issues
  • Eating Disorders
  • Insomnia & Other Sleep Disorders
  • Etc…

Please comment and give me some suggestions. My mind is running on empty and I cannot, for some reason, think of any new topics. That would be greatly appreciated. I have quite a few followers now, so I am sure someone HAS to have an idea on a topic for an article.


Have A Happy, Safe, & Sober

(To all you recoveree’s out there)

4th Of July

‚ąěSamantha‚ô•‚ąě

*REBLOGGED* Beating Depression Without Medication: 3 Holistic Methods You Could Try

When Women Inspire

Beating Depression without Drugs How does this woman cope with depression? Holistically or with medications? Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0.

Statistics show that almost 80 percent of people will suffer depression at some point during their lives. That can happen for many different reasons. Some of them are environmental while others are physical. Serotonin is the chemical in your brain that regulates mood. When you don’t produce enough of serotonin, you will start to feel flat and unmotivated. There are many medications out there doctors will use to counteract the situation. However, there are also holistic methods you could try if you don’t want to take drugs. Whatever happens, just ensure you keep your doctor informed of all the techniques you utilize. Below, you’ll find some suggestions that could help.

Find happiness and understanding through art

Art is a powerful thing, and it can create many different emotions in human beings. Sometimes expressing yourself through…

View original post 401 more words

Ghostwriter Blue

 

dark_fog

Ghostwriter Blues


When I agreed to become a ghostwriter I didn’t realize that I would take it so hard once I started seeing another author take claim for all of my hard work. It’s that simple. The other day, I don’t know why, but I decided to search for the articles that I had written on the site I was writing for and there they were… right in front of me… word for word. Only, they were under someone else’s name. Of course, they were because I was a ghostwriter. A nobody. A legit nobody who would never have their name next to an article that they would actually get paid for.

It was like a stab right to the chest. It took my breath away and I just felt completely horrible. Every article I looked up had the same authors name too. She was really making out good with my writing. Then I started to get jealous and started to wonder if she ever wrote anything a day in her life? I went to another website I had written something for and sure enough, my article was there too with her name. I think maybe I would not have felt all that bad if it would have been for different people but it’s the same girl.  

I know that this is what ghostwriter’s do, okay? I get that. What I don’t get… Is why am I taking this so damn hard? This actually really hurts for some reason? I feel like I have worked so hard, so hard and for absolutely nothing. I’m working hard to make her look good. But damn I really need this right now. 

I may have already overreacted and done something that I may not be able to do damage control on by personally applying to one of those sites as a writer. And on the application where it asks, “How would you make a great contributor and can you should us an example of your work.” I may have replied by saying something of the sorts, “I am already a ghostwriter for a contributing author on this site. I have worked on XXXX article.” So I don’t know how and if this could affect anything. I could have screwed myself thanks to my bipolar mind. FML.

I have a few articles due, and one well overdue, but I just don’t have it in me. It’s like all the passion I had to write for said person is gone. I should just end my contact but I don’t necessarily want to do that either. I feel stuck. I want to end the contract because I want to be able to start to create my own content and get my own name out there, and creating content for this company is taking up a lot of my time. (I should be working on that overdue article, but I took time out of that to write this. I need some me time.) But on the other hand, I do want to continue to write for this company because I could still use the experience. Also, I could use the (minimal) paycheck right now.

I just feel torn and heartbroken. I wish someone could have told me that it was going to hurt this much seeing someone else take credit for my hard work. This way I could have at least tried to prepare myself, or my heart, so that it wouldn’t have been this painful or something. I don’t think there would have truly been a way to prepare me though because everyone is different, and every mind if different. It’s just not fair to me.

I feel useless and used. I feel like I will never amount to anything myself and that I am always a bouncing board for everyone else. I feel like maybe I don’t even actually have any talent, that I am the second rate, so that is why I have to settle for helping boost someone else. My mind is automatically jumping to all of these negative things that may or may not be true, but that feels true to me in the moment.

I wish someone could just tell me if what I am feeling is normal or not. Right now I just harboring a sh*t ton of resentment and I really don’t like it. I wish I could just go back to before I looked anything up and realized that my articles were… I don’t know. I knew what the hell my job was, so I don’t even know why this is upsetting me. I guess this is just a whole lot of jealousy. Maybe that’s what this is. Jealousy. But I am more than just jealous. I am legitly hurt. I really, really hate my bipolar mind sometimes. It just sucks.

-Samantha ‚ô•

 

The Constant Cycles Of My Bipolar Mind

downing

The Constant Cycles Of My Bipolar Mind


By the time someone has told me how much they really like or dislike something, there is a good chance that I have already had 50 different emotions plays out within my head. My thoughts race beyond my control, making it is nearly impossible for my hands and mouth to keep up. It can make writing and speaking feel like something that I am unable to conquer at times, and to know this gets really difficult for my me, with because writing is a piece of who I am. It is what I love more than life itself. I find it difficult to find the words I am looking for because my mind and my hands are at constant odds with one another.

One minute I feel like I am drowning,¬†the next I may feel like I am on top of the world and nothing could ever bring me back down… until it does. Then whatever I am feeling at that moment, will hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden, I am falling again. This stuff is just not right.¬†

For a brief moment, I may see things so vibrantly colorful and filled with light, and then they disappear from me and turn bleak and listless. Everything with a bipolar person is at extreme opposites and at constant¬†war. It’s a struggle to even be able to make a simple decision. I hate love, yet I love life. How is that even possible?

Just the other day, I felt incredibly low until someone made one nice comment to me, here on my blog; all of a sudden I was radiating positivity. I felt light, I was helping others again. Then something happened, but I‚Äôm not even sure what, and depression started to suck me back down to its depths. Now, I feel lost and I don‚Äôt know why. How do you get lost, when you haven’t even been found?

I have been seriously thinking about posting bits and pieces of my articles on here since I found out that they have pretty much been slaughtering everything that I have written. Twisting my words until they are no longer my own. My personal thoughts and emotions have dissipated and the hard work, time, and dedication I have put into every single one of my articles have ceased to exist. 

I feel like I have been busting my ass for absolutely nothing. I feel like to total shitty writer, and like nothing I ever make could ever possibly make any sense to anyone. I guess I am just feeling slightly discouraged is all. #writersissues 

I feel like no matter how many steps I take forward, I am always falling too far behind. I lack motivation. I lack the necessary skills to make it in this demanding world. To be honest, I dropped out of high school in 10th grade, got my GED, bounced around from college to college because I could never figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to stick it out and graduate from Lincoln Technical Institute with a degree as a Medical Assistant because I thought the health care field was somewhere I should be working.

All I have ever wanted to do was write, and I suck at it. I have absolutely no grammar skills or abilities. My vocabulary is rather limited. What makes sense to me, makes decisively no sense to anyone else. I am uneducated. My typing speeds are something comparative to a toddler. I just cannot catch a break, and believe me, I could go on.

Okay, so yeah, maybe I am being a bit too daunting towards myself now, but like I mentioned earlier, I am just feeling really discouraged. And I mean, really discouraged.

This is what I am referring too by The Constant Cycles Of My Bipolar Mind  I can surge from feeling I am an the brink of depression, then feel like I am on the verge of mania, then flatline to the feelings of being baseline, and then do it all over all again.

It’s a daily battle living with this disorder and never knowing what to truly expect, or never knowing what versions of Samantha I am going to get. I once had a co-worker make a very public post about me on social¬†media. She said:

“If you are bipolar and you are going to try to kill yourself, what side of yourself are you trying to kill? Your sad self? Or your happy self?

I am not quite sure why, but that just popped into my head. But she posted that about me after I was admitted to a psychiatric ward, well before I was comfortable talking about and sharing my mental illness journey. What I would like to say to her today, is that thank you. Your arrogance made me more comfortable in talking about my mental illness in the long run. And to answer your question, it was both sides… I wanted to kill both sides because they were talking too loud..

 

My Panic Attack: June 26, 2017

panicattack1

My Panic Attack: June 26, 2017

With my emotions running ramped, it is not surprising that I am having panic attacks. It’s also not surprising that they are back to back. What is surprising, is that the fact that looking into my kitchen, and seeing that it was a mess and realizing that I need to get the dishes done and clean up while still getting my articles done sent me into a horrible, full blown panic attack. It was the tiniest thing sent me into the deep end.

I am still feeling overwhelmed, and it is really getting to me. I am trying to remain positive when all I want to do is give up. My PTSD is getting to me, my low self-esteem is getting to me, my mood swings are getting to me, my having to deal with my emotions because I am not sober is getting to me, everything is getting to me. I feel alone again even though I have people there for me and I was shown that today.

I was on the phone with my mom this morning and I was upset and crying off and on since the little things make me cry. I can’t stop the waterworks. I just want this to stop. It’s driving me insane. My mom was breaking stuff down for me to do, and I decided to try what she was saying.

I walked into my kitchen, like I said above, and started crying, walked into my bedroom and started hyperventilating. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was being choked, or like I was drowning, deep into the water. I started crying harder. I text my mom, told her I can’t go into the kitchen anymore and that it gave me a panic attack. It was so hard to text. The panic attack subsided¬†rather quickly.

Then my as mom called me, another panic attack started and I couldn’t breathe again due to the fact that I started to hyperventilate¬†and cry hysterically again. I felt like I was going to die, literally. My mom was on the other end of the phone trying to calm me down, then she said she was coming right over, and that she would be there in 20 minutes. The panic attack didn’t last too long and subsided again., but the tears were still there.

I avoided my kitchen like the plague, but another panic attack came about. My chest started to feel tight, my breathing became rapid, I started to feel panicky, and tears began to drop even more. Next thing I know, I am crying hysterically, I am in such a panic. The way it feels is compared to being told that a loved one has just died, or that your worst nightmare has just come true and you just wish it were over or you just feel like you are about to die. I start breathing so hard that I start to hyperventilate, and it feels like someone is strangling me and I have to fight for air. I just can’t breathe or catch my breath. I start to get dizzy from not being able to breathe right, and I feel like I am going to faint. Then all of a sudden, it starts¬†to feel better little by little, and my breathing slows down a tad. And as sudden as it came on it was gone.

When my mom arrived, I was a little calmer but still a mess. I was still crying at every little thing. Why am I such a mess? I hate this. I don’t know if this all my bipolar or something else entirely. I am so glad my mom came over. She was able to calm me down a lot more and help me get me kitchen from being in such disarray. We talked about a lot and she suggested few powerful things to me that maybe I will eventually share. I didn’t want her to leave when it was time for her to go though because I didn’t want to be alone with my own thoughts.

20170625_104049

My Momm & I

After my mom left, everything got a bit better for a little at least. It’s always something bringing me down though, and even as I am writing this, yet, another situation has arisen. I just can’t deal.

 

-Samantha ♥

 

 

Emotional Overload *Trigger Warning*

sandesscrying

Emotional Overload

I am in an emotional overload and I don’t know why. I am all over the place and every little thing has been making me cry. I know I have had a medication increase, but I really don’t think it is that. When I was talking to my dad, he suggested that it had to do with sobriety, and he had a point. I heard that before, that you can randomly start to feel emotions that you have never felt before because you are sober.

But, I am also different from all that because I am also bipolar, and I have PTSD. (and other things) So I am sure that all of that has to play in it as well. I hate this. I hate feeling like this like I am drowning¬†again like I am getting pulled under the water and I can’t get out, and I can’t breathe. I feel like I can’t fight this, or these feelings either.

Since I am a self-injurer, and I am in an emotional overload, I am getting the urges to cut again. I am fighting them, and haven’t done anything as of yet, but they are there, and they are strong. I know my coping skills, and I have them, I haven’t exactly utilized them but I know they are there if I need them. Well, technically… I guess I am using a coping skill since I am writing,

I am feeling pretty overwhelmed and depressed. I hope I am not entering a depressive episode because I just came out of a manic episode not too long ago. (you can read about it HERE) I hate these up and downs with bipolar disorder. I hate the fact that I have to live with this disorder for the rest of my life. I have to dive into darkness and constantly try to dig my way out, and then rocket into a manic episode and never know what kind of horror awaits me.

I don’t think there are even any words out there that I would use that would explain how depression, anxiety, and mental ill exactly feel. I don’t think I could even describe how I am feeling to another unless they have been in this¬†situation.

It’s just like a darkness, a black cloud has consumed you, It feels like you lost something or someone that you really loved and you are standing there at their funeral You’re looking down at their casket and seeing their bloated and¬†lifeless face. for the first time, and you just want to break down and cry… ¬†Depression is like your worst day x10, and everything has gone wrong and you just want to give up and stop fighting because you don’t see the point anymore. The only difference is that this feeling can last a indefinite¬†time, or even for a period of time if you are bipolar.

My emotions just tend to over run me sometimes. I know my coping my coping skills and techniques, but sometimes in the heat of the moment my brain can’t think of them or even comprehend them and it’s like there not even there, if that makes any sense.

Insomnia has also overrun my life and I am not sleeping¬†very well at all. I mean, right now it is 4:30 am, and I am up writing this. I have an article due at 8:30 am that I have not begun and I am freaking out. I asked for an extension¬†and have not heard back. My mind is just racing. What if they don’t grant me the extension and they fire me? There goes my writing career…¬†I feel like I am going to have to another mini mental break down soon or something. I can’t even keep up with my housework obligations. I feel like I am failing in life right now.

Today was a decent today for awhile so I don’t know why I am feeling this way. I went to this lake, Lake Mauch Crunch, and that is set up like a beach with my mom and my boyfriend’s daughter and we had an amazing, relaxing, and sober, girls afternoon. I just want to add that my boyfriend’s daughter, who is almost 20¬†(he had h er when he was 15),¬†is a very beautiful woman, but she doesn’t see herself that way. She is like me, and like a lot of women, who struggle with body dysmorphia. I hope that one day, she will be able to see how beautiful she truly is because she really is.¬†‚ô•

20170625_103956

Lake Mauch Chunk

On the topic of body dysmorphia, I know that I am a big girl. I get that. I have always been a girl. But no matter where I go, or who I see, I am always the biggest person there. That is how I see it. I can’t help it, and I can’t stop it. I can stand next to someone who is 200lbs more than me, literally, and I will still think to myself, wow I am so much bigger than her.¬†I have been called ugly and fat by people my whole life and that is who I see myself. I have no self -esteem all. Posting pictures of myself below my neck is a major, major step for me and something I don’t do normally at all. But I an going to be brave and tough it out on here and leave my comfort zone as a way of working on my self-esteem, and post of full picture of my body on here and prepare myself for the fat shaming comment. So below if a picture of me in my bathing suit;

20170625_104411

Body Dysmorphia Is A Hard Thing To Break. This Is The Me I Don’t Like To Show,

-Samantha ♥



 

How To Counter A Negative Automatic Thing

spiral

How To Counter A Negative Automatic Thought

Automatic thoughts are the first things, or thoughts, that come to our mind when something happens. Sometimes, these thoughts happen so quickly we don’t even realize they are happening until the negative thought is stuck in our head, and then we don’t know how to get rid of that negative thought once it’s there.

The easiest thing to do is try to counter it. If you spend a lot of time absorbed in negative thoughts, you are not always going to believe the counter, at first, but with time and practice, you will eventually start to realize the truth in those counters.

I am going to show you very simple counters with examples:

There will be three rows:

  • Trigger

  • Automatic Thought

  • New Thought

Here are the examples below:


  • Trigger:¬†I made a mistake at work.
  • Automatic Thought: I am probably going to be fired. I always mess up. This is it. I am not good at my job.
  • New Thought: I messed up, but mistakes happen. I am going to work through this like I always do.

  • Trigger:¬†I got into a fight with my boyfriend.
  • Automatic Thought: He’s going to leave me, everyone leaves me.
  • New Thought:¬†We have gotten in plenty of fights before. I am catastrophising this. We only fought about who has to put gas in the car, he will not leave me over this.

  • Trigger:¬†I ¬†got a speeding ticket.
  • Automatic Thought:¬†I am going to lose my license.
  • New Thought:¬†It’s only one ticket. It’s seriously not the end of the world. I will make a payment arrangement on the fine tomorrow.

 

That is pretty much all there is too. It is just taking that negative automatic thought, and switching it around, making it logical instead of emotional. It takes a lot of practice. You can even create a notebook, or automatic though log and keep track of your progress.

Journaling And Mental Illness

writerINme

Journaling & Mental Illness


Journaling can be an important and beneficial factor in mental illness. It can help improve your overall mental well-being because it can create a healthy outlet to express your emotions. A lot of people that struggle with any type of mental illness, or addiction, tend to stuff their emotions deep down inside of themselves, or they try to release them or cope with them, in unhealthy manners.

I’ve been there, and every now and then I still resort to unhealthy means to release my emotions, but journaling is what has been one of the best coping mechanisms that have ever been suggested to me. Everyone is different, and different things work for different people, but journaling is something that has worked for so many people that I have come into contact with, and I highly recommend it to people that struggle with getting their¬†feelings and emotions out and suggest that it should be tried at least once. What could it hurt, right? It’s literally just putting a pen to a piece of paper, or even your hands to your keyboard.

When a person journals, they can let out their innermost thoughts that they wouldn’t dare share with another soul. You can be your true genuine self, and never feel judged by anyone because you are not writing for anyone else’s enjoyment. You are solely¬†writing to be able to get out whatever it is that you are holding inside. Whatever you are writing doesn’t even have to make sense. It could be incomplete thoughts or just random words. It’s whatever you are feeling at that particular moment in time.

I have heard people say that they don’t want to journal because they are worried that someone else in their household may find their journal and read their private thoughts. I get that. When you write something that is meant for your eyes only, you want to keep it that way. There are a few different forms or means of journaling that can be done if you are worried about the traditional diary style due to lack of privacy.

Here are some options to try instead:


Online Diary/Journals:

If you fear that prying eyes might see a traditional journal you can always sign up for an online account somewhere. This is one I have used in the past, and they even have an app you can download on your smartphone.PrivateDiary.net and with this one, it is username and password protected so no one but you can access it. You can even sync the app and the online site so you can create entries either way and never lose track of anything. It also allows you to upload pictures to your entries as well. If you decide you really don’t like the way this journal is set up, just type in “online diary” into a search engine and tons of results will pop up. Just keep searching until something catches your eye.


Word Documents/Processers:

If your computer is password protected, and you never have to worry about anyone going through your files, you can always create your own journal using something like Google Docs, MS Word, etc… and just saving the files right to your computer. Maybe create a specific folder like, “My Journal” or “My Thoughts” and saving your entries in there.


Create & Trash:

If you are severely worried about someone seeing what your private thoughts are, then you can always physically write out all your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Then after you are done just rip up the paper and throw it away, burn it, shred it, or discard it however you see fit.


Smartphones:

If you have a smartphone then you automatically have a journal or diary at your fingertips. If you have an Android device, all you have to do is go to the Google Play Store and search for “Diary Apps” and hundreds of them will come up. Just look for one you will like. Another option is just to create journal entries using your memo or notepad within your phone.


Email:

You could always create a folder and label it “My Journal” or something of the sorts, and create journal entries in your personal email account, send them to yourself and then save them in your designated saved folder.


There are obviously lots of creative ways to create and manage a journal without having to keep a physical copy in today’s day and age. Almost everything is digital now. As for myself, I still love to have a physical copy because I enjoy putting a pen to a piece of paper.

Every means of mental health and addictions treatment that I have ever come across, since 2001, has suggested that I journal, and I have been doing it ever since. I go through phases where I will journal rigorously every day for chunks of time, then I will go periods of time where I won’t journal at all, then I will journal in moderation. And what I have come to the realization of, is that during the periods of time when I am the most routinely active in my journaling, is when my emotions are the most manageable. I seem to have less frequent crying spells because I am not bottling up as much inside of me.

Now, what I mean by routinely active, is that I am not obsessively writing, but I am also not infrequently writing either. When I am not at either extreme is when I am at my best, which at times that gets hard to come by since I am bipolar, and what is bipolar other than polar opposites.

So, if you have never tried journaling as a way to get your emotions out, give it a try. Just one time. Learning a new coping skill mechanism is always a thing of great value because you never know when life may throw something new your way that your current coping skill may not be suitable for. What works for you one day, may not work for you the next. That’s the thing about mental illness, it’s not always predictable and neither is life.


Hope This Helps ūüėÄ -Samantha¬†‚ô•

Common Early Warning Signs of Depression

sadcorner

The list below of common early warning signs might help you think of the changes in your mood that you may notice. If you find it difficult to identify your early warning signs, you might consider discussing it with a trusted friend, family member, or your doctor. This may be helpful for gathering feedback about any changes they may notice.

Common Early Warning Signs of Depression

Changes in behaviour

  • withdraw from others
  • don’t go out as much
  • don’t answer your phone
  • hard to get up in morning
  • changes to sleep pattern such as hard to get to sleep, waking in middle of night and having problems returning to sleep, getting up out of bed later than usual, sleeping more than usual, taking naps during the day.
  • harder to get going
  • changes in appetite

Changes in feelings

  • feeling slow and sluggish
  • feeling hopeless and/or helpless
  • feeling down and sad
  • feelings of guilt and/or self blame
  • having little or no interest in sex
  • feeling tired
  • feelings of agitation
  • feeling irritable
  • feeling numb
  • feeling like you just can’t be bothered or ¬†get motivated
  • not interested in things that you usually love or like to do
  • not able to enjoy things as much

Changes in thoughts

  • thinking is slowed and more difficult
  • hard to concentrate
  • self talk is critical and blaming
  • difficult to think things through and make decisions
  • lots of worrying thoughts
  • thoughts that¬†repeat over and over again
  • thoughts of self harm
  • thoughts are negative about self, others or future