[TW] There Is Hope
This post contains some things that may trigger certain people. I am issuing a trigger warning for self-harm and suicidal ideation. Please use caution when reading. If you feel you may be triggered by these things do not read past here. Thank you.
I should be trying to get some more sleep since I have to be up at 8 am to help my mom move some more. I only got a few hours of sleep but it was for an excellent reason. I helped keep a good friend alive around 3:30 in the morning. I asked her to stay alive and hold on even if it was just for me.
The ironic thing is that Thursday night, my best friend, Jazmine, was saying the same thing to me. I was going through a really tough time and couldn’t handle the situation that was going on at the time as well as having already been dealing with a depressive episode. I had it in my head that suicide was the only way out. I planned everything out and I text Jazmine “I love you” as a goodbye because I thought she was asleep. She was the only one that I planned on saying goodbye too. I was so close to the edge,
I wrote down everything that was going through my head in my journal and planned on leaving my entire journal as my note. 30 minutes went by since I text Jazmine and I began to cut my wrist. As I started to press down harder and harder, I heard a ding from my cell phone and it stopped me for a moment. I check it and it was Jazmine. She wasn’t asleep after all. She texted me back that she loved me too and I had a brief moment of clarity.
I asked her to keep texting with me for a while before I did something stupid. I don’t think she is even aware that I had already started cutting. To be honest, I don’t think anyone is still even aware that I did that. I hide the damage well. I have been doing it for years. Jazmine talked with me long enough to convince me to live. She told me that if I couldn’t find a reason to live or hold on to do it for her. She told me that things will get better and that even if I cannot believe it right now that it was okay and to let her believe it for me.
Her words were so powerful to me that I chose to try to live. I did self-harm more afterward, but I did as a means of staying alive this time. Not as a way to die. If it wasn’t for her, I know for a fact that I would not be here today. Jazmine saved my life again. The people I have told about how bad I was all told me that they are glad that I am still alive and it kind of feels good to hear that.
Friday was pretty bad for me for half of the day and I had started to regret my decision to live. But by the end of the day, everything started to fall into place and worked out. I don’t really want to get into specifics with what my situation was so I am just going to leave it at this: by the end of the day, I started to be okay with my decision to carry on with life.
I am glad I held on…
The past three days have been good. I have been writing, helping my mom, and spending some time with my best friend here and there. My mood has lifted and lightened and the depression isn’t holding me hostage anymore. I know it is only a matter of time until it comes back since I am bipolar and have to live through neverending mood cycling. But I will deal with it when it gets here. But for now, I am okay and I am doing okay. Actually, I may be doing pretty good right now.
I am so happy that Jazmine was able to save me from myself once again so that I could be there to save a good friend from herself. I have to try to hold onto the belief that things can and do get better. If I don’t hold onto that, living would feel even more impossible. I have to have something to look forward to like the rest of us.
I also told my friend to look up the lyrics to the songs Hold On by Good Charlotte or Never Too Late by Three Days Grace. Both songs are about holding on when you want to end it all. I think anyone who is having thoughts of harming themselves should look into those two songs. They have helped keep me alive more times than I can count since I was a teenager.
If you are thinking about ending it…
Please, please don’t give up. Problems are only temporary. They may seem never-ending, and they can even last a while, but they are temporary. The gray clouds will eventually lift to reveal some sunlight. Even if it is just a little bit of light at a time.
If you are thinking of ending it, stay strong because you are stronger than you know. Stay alive, even if it is just for me. Try to take things one day at a time, or one moment at a time if you have to. Reach out for help. If you live in the United States, there is a crisis texting line that you can just text “hello” to at 741 741. They are available 24/7.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number is 1-800-273-8255 and they are also available 24/7. If you Google “Suicide Prevention Hotline” it will also have an option available to chat online.
If you have a mental health care team, you should reach out to them as well. That is what they are their for. Unfortunately, it usually has to be during office hours. But it is good to keep them up-to-date on what is going on with you and how you are feeling. There he hope. ❤❤❤
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.