Lately I have been feeling so up and down that it’s almost like a baseline doesn’t exist for me anymore. I am either manic or depressed; there is no in between.
Sleep has eluded me all night and I’m starting to get a massive migraine from being overly tired and not being able to give into the sandman’s’ sweet embrace. I just want to sleep! Especially with how erratic my moods have been lately; sleep should come naturally and offer me even a slight bit of relief but it’s not.
It’s hard to believe it’s already almost mid-December. The year feels like it has just flown by. Some days do seem to go by faster than others, but as a whole — the year went pretty fast.
If you couldn’t already tell by the title and picture of this post, I am feeling pretty manic today. My mind is going a million miles a minute and my fingers and mouth can’t seem to keep up. I keep making so many typing errors already just because I am trying to type as fast as humanly possible since my mind is going so fast.
It is currently after 3 o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake. I probably should try to get some sleep since I see my psychiatrist at 8:30 a.m., but I don’t think I am going to be getting much sleep. My body is tired and in so much physical pain (My back has been killing me!) but my mind is wide awake; which happens all too often. So, right now, I am #TeamNoSleep once again.
It is after 7 o’clock in the morning, and I have been up since 4:45 a.m. Surprisingly, I am in an oddly good mood. I am not going to complain about that! I woke up to use the bathroom and then had to take one of my mom’s dogs out, and I have been up ever since.
When you Google the meaning of overwhelmed one of the definitions is: “Defeat completely.” And completely defeated can perfectly go to describe how I have been feeling at times.
Doctors don’t completely understand the causes of bipolar. Its symptoms include having the elated highs of mania to the lows of major depression, along with various mood states between. These extremes in mood are called “episodes”. Or as I like to call them, “temporary insanity.”
I would like to wish everyone a happy belated Halloween! I really wanted to blog on Halloween itself but things have been pretty hectic for me the past few days.
My mood is all over the place right now. I think I am in a mixed bipolar episode. These episodes can really be the worst. It feels like there is two or three of me arguing inside of my head. It’s like there is a f***ing battle going on in my mind. I can’t stand it!
Today is day two of some bothersome insomnia. It is said that about 25 percent of Americans suffer from acute insomnia and that 75 percent of those cases clear up on their own without an issue after a maximum of three months. However, I am more of a chronic case since I typically have insomnia that has lasted more than at least three nights a week for longer than a three month period. In my case, I have been dealing with insomnia issues for as long as I can remember.
October 2019 holds more than just spooky stuff and Halloween. Maybe you’re having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, maybe even a bad year. Perhaps you’re not feeling like yourself and haven’t for quite some time. Maybe you have everything to be grateful for but are having a hard time finding even a little bit of joy in your everyday life. When is it more than just a bad mood or a bad day?
Autumn is hands down my favorite time of the year. The weather gets cooler in Pennsylvania, the leaves start to turn beautiful colors before gliding to the ground, it’s hoodie weather, plus, let’s not forget Halloween! I am also one of those pumpkin spice coffee lovers as well! I just love the Fall season! I hate summer even though I am a Leo; a summer baby.
Contemplating Life Yesterday was the two year anniversary of Wade’s death. I can’t believe that it has been two years already since he passed away. I really wish that I could bring him back to help ease my best friend and Godchildren’s pain. He left three wonderful children […]
I haven’t been keeping up with blogging lately — even though I have all the time in the world right now. I always seem to have time but the desire I used to have for writing, even journaling, just hasn’t been there since June… since my life fell apart again. My life is always falling apart, though. This is nothing new.
On August 4, 2019, I turned 33-years-old. I created so many different blog posts since my birthday but all kinds of different craziness would happen and I would delete the post and start fresh with more to talk about. To be honest, I will even be amazed if I finish this post. Sometimes I feel like my life could be a Lifetime movie. Does anyone else ever feel like that or is it just me?
Suicide Awareness & Prevention is something that I am passionate about. I understand how it feels to want to give up and end it all when you can’t take the pain any longer; I am a suicide attempt survivor. I shouldn’t be here today, but I am glad that I am despite the obstacles and challenges that I still face in my everyday life. I would have missed so much if I had succeeded. I understand how hard life can be sometimes. If I can pull through, so can anyone else who is going through it right now. Just know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. YOU ARE LOVED.
Have you ever woke up and just felt like it was going to be a bad day?
Hello, Mania! I am a bit on the manic said and it is the good kind of mania with the wonderful euphoria. I feel excellent right now. I don’t ever want to lose this feeling, but I know it is not possible to stay up in the clouds […]
So how the topic of this blog came about was partly due to one of my trigger words is “normal”. Another was from a conversation between Samantha and me on how we thought it would make a good blog topic so here I go attempting it. Continue Reading….
What goes up, must come down can easily define Bipolar Disorder. Meaning, after every high — or manic episode — a low is sure to follow.
I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I am in so much physical pain that sleep should come easy, but it’s not. Insomnia has its grungy hands all over me and it’s refusing to let go. It probably doesn’t help the situation any that I finally remembered to take my nighttime meds around 1:45-2am.
So, random thought from last night… I was working on a blog post — that I never finished — and it was titled “3am Thoughts,” and I couldn’t figure out what time “late night” transitioned into “early morning” so I settled on just saying “3am.” I probably spent way too much time being consumed by this question than I should have. And I didn’t necessarily feel like resorting to using Google to solve yet another debate for me. If you think that this a strange thing to be consumed by, you would not want to know about the rest of the crap that gets stuck inside my head!
This post contains some things that may trigger certain people. I am issuing a trigger warning for self-harm and suicidal ideation. Please use caution when reading. If you feel you may be triggered by these things do not read past here. Thank you.
It is hard to really decipher how I am feeling. I’m up and down, high and low. If someone were to ask me how I was feeling, I would probably have to shrug my shoulders and then laugh and cry at the same time. I am trying to look at things from an optimistic viewpoint while feeling pessimistic and unsure about almost everything in life. I keep wondering if I am good enough… at anything.
I have been filled with an excessive amount of anxiety since about 11:30 am yesterday. Jasper had gotten his head caught in between two metal bars under our recliner while he was hiding from two of my Godson’s. Thank God my best friend, Jazmine, was here too because she ended up being the one to save my poor kitty’s life.
Keeping Myself Entertained It has been a very long week for me that has been filled with more lows than highs. Today marks one week since Buddy tragically passed away, and tomorrow makes it one week since Jasper came to live with us. I haven’t cried yet today, […]
I love and adore my best friend, Jazmine. She did something that made me feel a little bit better. I cried almost 24 hours when Buddy tragically passed away. I was in such a haze and shock that I honestly don’t remember everything I wrote in my last post, So Heartbroken. I am still too heartbroken to go back and even try to read it. But my best friend showed up Friday night with a little – adorable – surprise for me.
Last night was horrible for me. I think I am still in shock and traumatized. My cat died last night. I heard a crash in the bathroom and happened to be right outside the door and when I looked in I seen my cat fall and snap his neck then fall over. I was the last thing Buddy seen before he died. I am so, so heartbroken right now. I have been crying since last night. I can’t even tell you what time it happened because when I saw what happened time stopped for me.
I apologize for not posting much lately. I have been keeping myself busy with writing for different sites and blogs. I also haven’t been blogging because I don’t really want to talk about how I feel right now. This feeling is completely new to me. I have never gotten to the point where I just don’t want to talk about what is really going on inside my head. I am going to try to open up a little, but it is giving me a lot of anxiety.
Today started off rocky. I was riddled with anxiety about having to leave the house to go to my Primary Care Physicians office. It was horrible. Lucky for me, I found some of my CBD oil and that took the edge off quite a bit.
A Waste of Space I have not been feeling like myself since last night, and trying to find joy in anything today is challenging. I feel like a complete waste of space. I cannot afford to take care of myself right now, and I know others are getting […]
Triggers are things that you have learned that may causes distress. There are many common triggers for just about any condition.
I have been meaning to blog for a little while now but every time I would create a post I would delete it. If I can remember correctly when I wrote my last personal post I was in a full-blown downswing. Since then, I have been a very agitated manic and then bounced around from up, down, to everything in between.
What are triggers? This is a very good question in a time when everyone is talking about how they are so triggered by this that and the other. Triggers are things that you have learned that may cause you distress. They can be anything from a word, event, place, date, even a person them self can be a trigger.