Advertisements

Bipolar Depression

What Goes Up, Must Come Down

What goes up, must come down can easily define Bipolar Disorder. Meaning, after every high — or manic episode — a low is sure to follow.

Advertisements

Why Am I Still Awake? Insomnia!

I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I am in so much physical pain that sleep should come easy, but it’s not. Insomnia has its grungy hands all over me and it’s refusing to let go. It probably doesn’t help the situation any that I finally remembered to take my nighttime meds around 1:45-2am.

[TW] There Is Hope

This post contains some things that may trigger certain people. I am issuing a trigger warning for self-harm and suicidal ideation. Please use caution when reading. If you feel you may be triggered by these things do not read past here. Thank you.

Meet Jasper

I love and adore my best friend, Jazmine. She did something that made me feel a little bit better. I cried almost 24 hours when Buddy tragically passed away. I was in such a haze and shock that I honestly don’t remember everything I wrote in my last post, So Heartbroken. I am still too heartbroken to go back and even try to read it. But my best friend showed up Friday night with a little – adorable – surprise for me.

Feeling A Little Crazy

I apologize for not posting much lately. I have been keeping myself busy with writing for different sites and blogs. I also haven’t been blogging because I don’t really want to talk about how I feel right now. This feeling is completely new to me. I have never gotten to the point where I just don’t want to talk about what is really going on inside my head. I am going to try to open up a little, but it is giving me a lot of anxiety.

My Shifting Moods

Today started off rocky. I was riddled with anxiety about having to leave the house to go to my Primary Care Physicians office. It was horrible. Lucky for me, I found some of my CBD oil and that took the edge off quite a bit.

A Waste of Space

A Waste of Space I have not been feeling like myself since last night, and trying to find joy in anything today is challenging. I feel like a complete waste of space. I cannot afford to take care of myself… Read More ›

A Storm Is Brewing…

A storm is brewing and a depressive episode is underway. I can feel it try to pull me under the surface as it surrounds me. I am trying to fight my way against it with everything that I have. I knew after the mania ended that I was headed in this direction. I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be so soon.

2018 Is Coming To An End…

2018 is coming to an end and most people are planning out their New Year’s resolutions. After the chaotic year that I have had filled with so much loss and heartbreak, I am going into 2019 without many expectations. I am not going to say that this is the year that I will finally lose all this extra fluff that I carry around. I am not going to say that this is the year I get married (again). I am not even going to say that this is the year I hope they find a cure for bipolar disorder. (Continue reading…)

Always Overthinking & Venting Session

I feel like it has been a long, exhausting day when I hardly did anything today but attended a doctor appointment, make phone calls, and went to Dunkin’ Donuts. I am still in tremendous amounts of pain, especially a few of my teeth that need dental work done. Both sides of my mouth hurt and I am in a great deal of pain during and after eating almost anything.

Late Night Thoughts: Sick & Hopeless 🤦‍♀️

I honestly feel terrible right now – physically and mentally. I am so congested and it even hurts to breathe. It feels like it was not too long ago I had the summer flu that went around my area. I am absolutely miserable which always tends to bring my mood down quite a bit. But who doesn’t feel miserable when they are sick, right? I just want to take my meds, lie down, and go to sleep for the night. However, I am eagerly waiting for the edits for my book to come through my email since tonight is supposed to be the night.

| Lost In Thought |

Journaling helps but sort through a lot in my head. But when that’s not enough, I sometimes tend to turn to blogging. Creating a post for my personal blog section sometimes helps get things out in a similar way of journaling but, to me, it sometimes feels like it does so much more. So here is what’s been bogging me down internally:

Behind This Smile…

Behind this smile, I find that I am slowly losing myself again. Is it depression? Is it anger? I have no idea. I have gotten so good at hiding behind a broken smile that no one else can see me slipping away again. Some moments I am fine. Then others, I am not. I have been rapid cycling because I never know when my bipolar disorder is going to betray me again. I never know when it’s going to crash me all the way down to the bottom instead of partially.