Happy Thursday: April 18th, 2019
The past couple of days, I have been feeling pretty good despite any obstacles and challenges that have been thrown my way. Yesterday, April 17th, was my grandmother’s birthday. She sadly passed away in 2012 and we were incredibly close. But instead of breaking down over it, because some wounds seem to fully disappear, I thought about how she would always say, “Are you my Sammy?” and I would always respond with, “Yep. Are you my Grammy?” And it made me smile. What I wouldn’t give to hear her say that to me one last time…
I can’t help but to wonder if she would be proud of me for my accomplishments or saddened by my mistakes. I would like to think that she is proud of me wherever her spirit my be. I would also like to just wish her a Happy Birthday! I would have loved to go visit her grave if she had one, but she was cremated and my grandfather, well her husband, has her ashes and he wants nothing to do with me. I haven’t even seen him or spoke to him since her funeral. But that is okay. It is what it is and I can’t dwell on it or I would never be able to move on.
My mom had a situation going on and had to move sooner than anticipated (my one brother basically gave her and my sister an eviction notice so that his girlfriend – the one that started even more problems for me when I had lived with them – could move in) so I spent Monday and Tuesday helping my mom move somethings that she couldn’t get out Saturday. I ended up really hurting my back, which I already have chronic back pain and chronic pain syndrome, so that wasn’t fun at all.
By Tuesday, when I started to help carry things again, my back was screaming at me to stop doing what I was doing and then it also became hard to walk, bend, and twist. I wanted to go to the ER so bad but didn’t because I couldn’t get a ride since everyone told me to hold on until I see my back specialist – which was yesterday.
My first visit with the back and spine specialist went well enough. He seemed very nice. I have to go back for like my 100th round of physical therapy in order to get my stupid insurance to cover an MRI of my spine. My last one is outdated since it was in 2016. The doctor prescribed me a new muscle relaxer called Tizanidine, but my insurance wouldn’t pay for it and I cannot afford the out-of-pocket expense. So, they have to try something else. However, when I peeked into my medical chart, it looks like he is going to be giving me Flexeril which never did anything to help me all the other times I was on it. I hope that is not the case but it very well might be. I have to call today to set up my PT and then I see the doctor again in about 6 weeks.
Even though I am not feeling physically okay, I am feeling mentally okay. I may not be in the best of moods 24/7 these past few days, but I am in a much better place than I was about a week ago. I am glad I hung on when I was feeling completely low and hopeless last weekend.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.