Other than feeling empty inside, I am not quite sure how I am feeling. The pregnancy was definitely ectopic and stuck in my right fallopian tube. I went to the ER on the 1st of February because I was having extreme abdominal pain. Plus, I started to get this horrible pain in my shoulders which apparently is actually another sign of an ectopic pregnancy.
I waited over an hour to be seen. Shortly after taking me back, they said that I needed emergency exploratory surgery to find where the baby was growing since I was in so much pain. Around 12:30 a.m. on February 2nd, I was put under anesthesia for the laparoscopic procedure. I was so scared and felt completely alone. I still feel scared and alone.
They had to remove my right fallopian tube with the baby in it because my fallopian tube was starting to rupture and I was already starting to bleed internally.
I could have died…
I should be glad I am alive, right? Not every woman catches the rupture in enough time to be saved and get treated. But I am having a hard time seeing it like that. Part of me is even mad at myself for going to the ER. I just wanted a normal pregnancy but nothing was normal about this pregnancy from the beginning.
I already have fertility issues and now on top of the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and the endometriosis, I am also missing a fallopian tube and my chances of getting pregnant again have been slashed in half. Plus, now that I have had one ectopic pregnancy, I have a higher chance of having another one if I were to ever get pregnant again.
I’m a wreck…
I don’t know how to feel half the time. I will go from feeling okay, to feeling not okay, to feeling completely numb before feeling okay again. It’s a constant cycle that only occasionally switches it’s order. When I cry, it’s only for a moment and then I will start to go numb and feel nothing again.
I am having a hard time staying grounded and present in the moment as well thanks to my lovely dissociative disorder. I just underwent a major trauma an surgery and I can’t break down and let it out no matter how hard I try.
Even blogging about the loss of the baby and my right fallopian tube, I feel myself trying to detach from reality. I just can’t seem to get these feelings out. Maybe I’d feel better if I were able to cry properly. I can’t process anything if I can’t fucking get it out.
I feel like no one understands me right now…
And that is hard to deal with. I feel like people are trying to tell me to just be glad I am alive and to get over it. Most of those people that I feel are saying that in a roundabout way also have children and couldn’t possibly understand the kind of loss that I am feeling right now. I can’t believe how easy it is to feel alone while not being left physically alone.
I am a mix of emotions right now; sad, angry, hurt, depressed, empty, lost — pretty much everything but feelings of joy and happiness.
I saw my therapist today and I couldn’t even break down in there properly. I did the same thing I did everywhere else; I cried for a moment before going numb and starting to fade out. I just wanna fucking cry but I can’t.
Now I need more surgery…
I cut my hand on the 25th of January and I accidentally severed the tendon and some nerves in my right pinky. I go in for surgery for that on Tuesday and will get a call Monday about what time to be there for the surgery. I am so fucking scared right now.
I can’t get my pinky to bend at all no matter how hard I try. I am also running out of time to get the surgery done before it won’t work. I have two weeks from the injury date before surgery would be pointless. So who knows if I am going to get my pinky to bend ever again.
I don’t know how to cope right now…
I told my therapist that and she didn’t seem to take me seriously. I wish my grandmother was still here too. I need her so much right now. I have my mom which helps a lot but I would love for my grammy to be here too. I can’t even cry saying that. The tears are welling up but nothing is dropping out.
How am I supposed to deal with this type of loss when I can’t get my mind and body to cooperate enough for me to even have a good cry? Maybe part of me is worried that if I were to start crying that I wouldn’t be able to stop. I can’t help but to feel bad for myself right now.
This is just so much to try to take in and process. Where do I even start? I am so fucking tired of being strong.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.