This post won’t be very long since I have to type it on my phone using my left hand (my non-dominant hand) since I had surgery on my (dominant) right hand on Tuesday, February 11th, 2020.
Depression Is Real
Lately I have been feeling so up and down that it’s almost like a baseline doesn’t exist for me anymore. I am either manic or depressed; there is no in between.
I know Thanksgiving was about 3 days ago, but I would still like to wish everyone a very Happy (belated) Thanksgiving! I hope everyone who celebrated this holiday in the U.S. had a great day with their loved ones. I know the holidays can be challenging for many people; myself included.
When you Google the meaning of overwhelmed one of the definitions is: “Defeat completely.” And completely defeated can perfectly go to describe how I have been feeling at times.
My mood is all over the place right now. I think I am in a mixed bipolar episode. These episodes can really be the worst. It feels like there is two or three of me arguing inside of my head. It’s like there is a f***ing battle going on in my mind. I can’t stand it!
October 2019 holds more than just spooky stuff and Halloween. Maybe you’re having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, maybe even a bad year. Perhaps you’re not feeling like yourself and haven’t for quite some time. Maybe you have everything to be grateful for but are having a hard time finding even a little bit of joy in your everyday life. When is it more than just a bad mood or a bad day?
I haven’t been keeping up with blogging lately — even though I have all the time in the world right now. I always seem to have time but the desire I used to have for writing, even journaling, just hasn’t been there since June… since my life fell apart again. My life is always falling apart, though. This is nothing new.
Suicide Awareness & Prevention is something that I am passionate about. I understand how it feels to want to give up and end it all when you can’t take the pain any longer; I am a suicide attempt survivor. I shouldn’t be here today, but I am glad that I am despite the obstacles and challenges that I still face in my everyday life. I would have missed so much if I had succeeded. I understand how hard life can be sometimes. If I can pull through, so can anyone else who is going through it right now. Just know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. YOU ARE LOVED.
What goes up, must come down can easily define Bipolar Disorder. Meaning, after every high — or manic episode — a low is sure to follow.
I have been filled with an excessive amount of anxiety since about 11:30 am yesterday. Jasper had gotten his head caught in between two metal bars under our recliner while he was hiding from two of my Godson’s. Thank God my best friend, Jazmine, was here too because she ended up being the one to save my poor kitty’s life.
I love and adore my best friend, Jazmine. She did something that made me feel a little bit better. I cried almost 24 hours when Buddy tragically passed away. I was in such a haze and shock that I honestly don’t remember everything I wrote in my last post, So Heartbroken. I am still too heartbroken to go back and even try to read it. But my best friend showed up Friday night with a little – adorable – surprise for me.
I apologize for not posting much lately. I have been keeping myself busy with writing for different sites and blogs. I also haven’t been blogging because I don’t really want to talk about how I feel right now. This feeling is completely new to me. I have never gotten to the point where I just don’t want to talk about what is really going on inside my head. I am going to try to open up a little, but it is giving me a lot of anxiety.
A storm is brewing and a depressive episode is underway. I can feel it try to pull me under the surface as it surrounds me. I am trying to fight my way against it with everything that I have. I knew after the mania ended that I was headed in this direction. I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be so soon.
I feel like it has been a long, exhausting day when I hardly did anything today but attended a doctor appointment, make phone calls, and went to Dunkin’ Donuts. I am still in tremendous amounts of pain, especially a few of my teeth that need dental work done. Both sides of my mouth hurt and I am in a great deal of pain during and after eating almost anything.
In a recent post, I brought up all the resentments I have been thinking about that surround my oncoming bipolar depression. I really dislike this time of year as the sunshine disappears, the weather becomes too cold and the upcoming holidays. I do like Thanksgiving because I don’t go home for that. My husband and I started a tradition many years ago where we invite anyone that doesn’t have a place to go to have Thanksgiving with us. Last year was the first year it was just the two of us.
I honestly feel terrible right now – physically and mentally. I am so congested and it even hurts to breathe. It feels like it was not too long ago I had the summer flu that went around my area. I am absolutely miserable which always tends to bring my mood down quite a bit. But who doesn’t feel miserable when they are sick, right? I just want to take my meds, lie down, and go to sleep for the night. However, I am eagerly waiting for the edits for my book to come through my email since tonight is supposed to be the night.