I am not really feeling any better than I was last night when I wrote about being in an agitated, anxiety-fueled bipolar manic episode. If anything, I feel worse than I did yesterday. Perhaps this is because, like I anticipated, I did not get any sleep or rest last night. Instead, I manically wrote for hours on end. I didn’t even notice when nighttime turned into daylight.
Sure, everyone deals with anxiety from time to time. After all, it is a human emotion and automatic response to certain situations. But for people without anxiety disorders, the anxiety passes as the situation gets resolved or is dealt with and then they can be on their way as everything returns to normal.
Coming down from a manic episode can be different for everyone. We’re all unique in how our bodies and minds are made up. But for me, when I am coming down from a manic episode, it is almost comparable to coming down from a drug or alcohol high because that is exactly what our minds and bodies are doing; coming down from an emotional high.
It seems like the world has gone mad due to the dreaded Coronavirus. Stores are nearly empty and despite their best efforts to continuously restock their shelves, it appears that they are just out of everything; there is nothing left.
If I could pick one thing I hated about myself it would have to be my anxiety…
I know Thanksgiving was about 3 days ago, but I would still like to wish everyone a very Happy (belated) Thanksgiving! I hope everyone who celebrated this holiday in the U.S. had a great day with their loved ones. I know the holidays can be challenging for many people; myself included.
If you couldn’t already tell by the title and picture of this post, I am feeling pretty manic today. My mind is going a million miles a minute and my fingers and mouth can’t seem to keep up. I keep making so many typing errors already just because I am trying to type as fast as humanly possible since my mind is going so fast.
It is currently after 3 o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake. I probably should try to get some sleep since I see my psychiatrist at 8:30 a.m., but I don’t think I am going to be getting much sleep. My body is tired and in so much physical pain (My back has been killing me!) but my mind is wide awake; which happens all too often. So, right now, I am #TeamNoSleep once again.
When you Google the meaning of overwhelmed one of the definitions is: “Defeat completely.” And completely defeated can perfectly go to describe how I have been feeling at times.
C’est la vie! I can’t control the cards that I have been dealt, just like I can’t control how other people act or think. I am trying to make the best of a bad situation. The best of a few bad situations, actually. Sometimes I feel like it’s one blow after another. I am doing the best that I can with what I have and I am finally okay with not being okay most days…
It is hard to really decipher how I am feeling. I’m up and down, high and low. If someone were to ask me how I was feeling, I would probably have to shrug my shoulders and then laugh and cry at the same time. I am trying to look at things from an optimistic viewpoint while feeling pessimistic and unsure about almost everything in life. I keep wondering if I am good enough… at anything.
From my last blog post just last night until sometime early this morning, I seem to have developed a touch of hypomania to add some variety to my life. I only got about an hour or so of broken sleep between 7:30 and 8:30 am. I was sure that after my ramblings last night I shouldn’t have much more to say, but I was wrong. From about 4 am until the time I went to sleep I just sat in bed and manically journaled until my hand started to cramp up. I had to force myself to stop writing in order to get the little bit of sleep that I did.