A Waste of Space
I have not been feeling like myself since last night, and trying to find joy in anything today is challenging. I feel like a complete waste of space. I cannot afford to take care of myself right now, and I know others are getting sick or annoyed with having to take care of me and support me financially. I cried myself to sleep last night and ended up having horrible nightmares about the people I care about the most all abandoning me. I cannot think of one person in my life who hasn’t abandoned me at least once. Then, I spent most of today – so far – tearing up off and on.
I don’t like not being able to support myself. It is not that I am just being lazy and don’t want to work. I feel like I can’t work. I am not mentally stable enough right now and haven’t been for a while. I am in limbo waiting for a hearing date for disability. I am stuck right now, and I have no idea what my next move is.
I am also on a “vacation” from BG until they train their new editor. Then, if she works out I will be able to start writing again. If not, then it’s a longer “vacation.” All I have right now is blogging. I feel like I have a lack of purpose in my life right now too. It is not a good feeling when you also feel like a waste of space on top of it.
I have been trying to utilize my support networks, coping skills, and reaching out to others about how I am feeling. I am trying not to go at it alone like I once used to frequently do. One thing I must say is that I have some amazing and supportive people in my life. I know this is just an episode and that it will pass. It is just having to live through it in the meantime. If I had to be completely honest, I am scared to live yet scared to die.
I cleaned for a little while and was feeling okay for a bit, but now I am alone with my thoughts again. For those of you going through it too, you are not alone; just as I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.