A Waste of Space
A Waste of Space
I have not been feeling like myself since last night, and trying to find joy in anything today is challenging. I feel like a complete waste of space. I cannot afford to take care of myself right now, and I know others are getting sick or annoyed with having to take care of me and support me financially. I cried myself to sleep last night and ended up having horrible nightmares about the people I care about the most all abandoning me. I cannot think of one person in my life who hasn’t abandoned me at least once. Then, I spent most of today – so far – tearing up off and on.
I don’t like not being able to support myself. It is not that I am just being lazy and don’t want to work. I feel like I can’t work. I am not mentally stable enough right now and haven’t been for a while. I am in limbo waiting for a hearing date for disability. I am stuck right now, and I have no idea what my next move is.
I am also on a “vacation” from BG until they train their new editor. Then, if she works out I will be able to start writing again. If not, then it’s a longer “vacation.” All I have right now is blogging. I feel like I have a lack of purpose in my life right now too. It is not a good feeling when you also feel like a waste of space on top of it.
I have been trying to utilize my support networks, coping skills, and reaching out to others about how I am feeling. I am trying not to go at it alone like I once used to frequently do. One thing I must say is that I have some amazing and supportive people in my life. I know this is just an episode and that it will pass. It is just having to live through it in the meantime. If I had to be completely honest, I am scared to live yet scared to die.
I cleaned for a little while and was feeling okay for a bit, but now I am alone with my thoughts again. For those of you going through it too, you are not alone; just as I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone.
Samantha View All
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.
My Bipolar Mind 
I can relate to not being able to take care of myself and depending on others. Thankful for that. Yet the moods shift up to down and all around. The goal of getting through and knowing that the moods will change. Just remember to love yourself as you give to so many with your writing. Thanks for giving to me.
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Hi Amy Jo,
Thank you so much for your wonderful and kind comment. It is greatly appreciated. Being able to relate to others can feel very good. Knowing that we are not alone and that “this too shall pass” helps make things a bit more tolerable. I am definitely having a better day today. My mood is much lighter. Thanks for caring!
Much love,
Samantha
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That feeling of not being able to work is so tough. You’ve got your new book coming out soon, right?
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It is definitely very tough. And I decided to postpone my second book for a little while.
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I can relate so so much. It’s so hard when you know there’s another side to all of this, you know it’s possible to feel better, but you just can’t get there right now. Just allowing yourself to be in those dark spaces is so damn difficult and I hate it. But it’s good to hear that you know it will pass and that there is more to life. Just keep holding on.
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Thank you so much! I really appreciate your kind comment. I am sad that you can relate because I know how hard and challenging it can be, yet I am so glad you can relate because it helps me know that I am not alone. If that makes any sense. Those dark spaces can be terrifying at times. I am going to keep on fighting and holding on. I hope that you do the same as well! Thanks again, sweetie!
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