So, I have come to the conclusion that I am in a mixed bipolar episode, yet again. For like the millionth time in my life. At first, I couldn’t figure out why I would be up and down at the same time totally. I have manic and depression tendencies at the same time. I’m hardly sleeping, I am writing like I am an in a manic episode, I am dealing with severe agitation, I have all the manic symptoms minus anything euphoric. I am also depressed and low, struggling with self-esteem issues more than normal (which generally is pretty bad to begin with, however, it is just that much worse than normal). I just don’t want to be dealing with stuff. Plus, all the other depression symptoms that people like myself just adore (sarcasm in case you couldn’t tell). I’m definitely in a mixed episode.
Even my therapist told me that I seem to have some grandiose ideas about certain aspects of my life the last time a seen her, which was just last week. Mixed episodes are the worst. I want to laugh and cry at the same damn time. Mike called me the ‘bipolar carnival’ (which I can definitely see why he says that!) Right now I can even say that I love yet hate certain things at the same time. I am also way more indecisive than I usually am, and there seems to be no middle ground with certain things. No baseline. Actually, thinking about it, the laugh and cry thing… I have done that at least once today. How does that even happen?
I just had to also block some random guy that started to message me on Facebook, because things got a little too creepy for my liking. This guy, Franklin or whatever, started to tell me how much he likes me and that he has waited three months to talk to me and that he’s had a crush on me for three months. I would like to say that it was flattering, but like I don’t even know who the hell he is or how he came across my profile. I told him I have a boyfriend. He said that he’s always wanted to ‘date a white girl’ so I told him white girls are crazy. Then, he asked me if he could send me ‘cute pictures’ and yeah, after that I went right to block. Before I blocked him though, I asked him if he found me through my personal or work blog and he said no. Like I said, it was just too creepy for my liking. Hopefully, he is not one of those creeps that just will create a new profile and start messaging me again.
I have also been having issues with this other person that uses a fake profile and goes under the name ‘Donald Sheets.’ This has been going on for about a year. This guy or girl has messaged Jazmine, Mike, Crystal, this girl Melissa that I used to work with, and myself on numerous occasions. He knows a little too much about Me, Jazmine, and Mike though. He will “confess” to being someone that we all know or at least that the three of us know, and then say that that really isn’t who he is, and then s/he will talk more crap, and then say they are someone else all over again. It’s just more annoying than anything and obviously, this person just has no life and is way too bored for their own good. I am so done with that game though and have grown pretty bored of it. I just reblocked him and I am pretty sure it is going to stay like that. Although, whoever it is was pretty interested in whether or not Mike and I are back together. I hate people sometimes. And this person obviously does not have enough balls to say who the truly are so F*** them.
I am actually so glad to have a job where I can work from home because there are some days that I really don’t like to be around people. I am way more social online than in person due to my severe social anxiety. I hate being in crowded spaces and always end up feeling overly anxious and nervous.
My family has still yet to contact me again. It pretty much does not even surprise me at this point. I hate to say it like this, but I don’t even think they would give a sh** if I would die tomorrow. They would probably all laugh and say that bitch deserved it. Some days, I don’t even think I would care at this point. I hate being so bipolar, so emotional, so needy. I hate all that sh** about myself and I don’t know how to change any of it. Everyone else has turned their back on me. I literally feel like I only have four people left in my life that give a real crap about me: Mike, Jazmine, Crystal, and my Dad. It’s depressing. Sometimes I feel so alone, and I hate having to rely on the same people all the time because I get worried that they will get sick of me too. I have major abandonment issues, but obviously that it totally justified right now. Everyone that I love always leaves me. Sometimes they come back into my life and sometimes I never see or hear from them again.
Am I really that horrible of a person? Like, at this point it really does have to be me. I think there is no denying that. I have said before, but I think that bitch karma is paying me back for something that I must have done that was terrible. Does anyone really deserve to go through everything that I have been through since August though? And even before August. My life really has gotten so much worse in certain aspects since I have stopped using sh**. I mean, some things have gotten better, and I have had some amazing opportunities, but like I said, in certain aspects some things have just turned to complete sh**. It could just be the fact that I can no longer numb my emotions, but I want to be numb. I want to forget. I want to have a way to get the f*** out of my own head sometimes. I sometimes really do hate myself.
I am hoping that soon enough I will have something positive to write about. Until then, thanks for taking an interest and reading about my distorted, bipolar thoughts.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.