Through The Darkness…
My head has been completely crazy these past few days. Yes, I know my head is a mess most of the time anyway, but it just seems to have gotten worse. Lately, I feel like I am living in a fog. It doesn’t seem like this is my real life anymore. Money’s tight but other than that things are going well. My relationship is good, I am slowly getting back into writing, although, I do believe I took on more than I can actually handle at the moment. So, the question of the day is: Why do I still feel the way I do?
Mental health is a tricky thing sometimes. You can be okay one minute and breaking down the next. You are never guaranteed stability.
I have been going to a lot more meetings lately with my good friend/sponsor. I have been socializing with a lot more people. I made a few more new friends just by going to meetings and socializing with people in recovery.
I look back at my life and I never pictured being where I am today. I never thought I would be able to go without alcohol, and now it has been a little over a year since my last drink. I can’t lie, with this fog or slump that I am in I have been missing the old days when I was younger and just didn’t give a fuck. I still had worries, stress, and instability back then but at least I didn’t care as much about what other people thought. I spoke my mind freely. I was… different. I did what I wanted to do and that was that.
Alcohol gave me a confidence I have yet to find in sobriety. I know things will happen when they are meant to happen. But why do I have to feel like this? Why can’t the good vibes find me?
I was hanging out with the bestie last night and we were just talking and reminiscing and trying to figure out how to make our future better. Maybe we can do something together to help build us up. The bestie and I (if you follow my blog you may already know of her since she is an MIA writer for this blog) have a lot more in common than we ever realized. We were talking about our childhoods too and I did get teary-eyed at least once, even though I wanted to burst into tears every time we talked about something deep.
I feel like I am walking through the darkness alone and I have to try to find my way out. I have to search for the light at the end of the tunnel while trying to make my way through this ridiculous maze that has obstacles in my way to make it a bit more challenging.
Some moments I am doing okay. I guess some of it may be situational. I want to be around people while being alone at the same time. I almost had a panic attack in the meeting yesterday because there were just too many people in a tiny ass room without any circulating air. I had to try deep breathing and then I just started playing around with an object in my hand to try to focus on that and how it felt in order to get my mind off of how I was feeling. I guess it worked because I didn’t break down into hysterics and start hyperventilating and crying. So, see, it is possible to prevent a panic attack at times. Sometimes they are unavoidable but if you catch it early enough you may be able to keep it from coming on or hitting fully.
My memory is like so F-ed up lately too. I will be talking and mid-sentence forget what I was just saying. People have to repeatedly tell me things over and over again because I just cannot remember everything I am told anymore. I know it drives people around me crazy, but think how I feel for a moment. I can’t recall the simplest things. It’s frustrating. It makes researching article challenging because I automatically forget what I just read almost immediately, or I will remember part of what I read but forget the main point or mix it up with something else.
My mind is like a filing cabinet and it is overflowing with files of different memories that I have had throughout my entire life. I somehow maxed out and ran out of space and since I have been remembering things from the past more and more, it has to make room to be placed in the filing cabinet. This means that in order to make room for the stuff I just remembered, I have to remove some of the newer files of memories. At least, I feel like that is what my mind is doing to me. Make sense to anyone? My therapist put it that way too.
I am too damn young for this type of memory loss. I honestly think the concussion I had back in April has something to do with it because it was bad. I even had to go see a specialist but decided to stop going because they wanted to put me in physical therapy or something for people who have had concussions and brain injuries. I just didn’t feel like committing a few days a week to the therapy. That probably was the wrong thing to do. And now without insurance at the moment I can’t even try to see if they can reevaluate my head pretty much.
If you were to ask me how I was honestly feeling, I don’t know if I would be able to answer that.
Regardless of anything, I know I am in an episode and that I just have to ride it out until it decides to change – which could happen at any minute. I am not as depressed as I was. I do have some good moments so I can see some progress. But I am just all over the place right now too. Happy, sad, stable, manic, depressed, stable, depressed, manic, etc… – that is how my moods can look and change within a single day. It’s nuts!
I would like to hear from people about what has helped you with your anxiety? Everyone has something different that works from them because we are all unique individuals.
Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.