July 4th, 2017

firestick

July 4th, 2017


Introduction

Today has been pretty good for me while also marking my first 4th of July Sober. But I managed to make it through with of too much of an issue. I did not even get my a** to a meeting like I should have. Then again, I also did not get any sleep like I should have… I have not been to bed yet and I tried everything I could think of, besides illegal stuff and drugs and alcohol, to get me to sleep but to no avail. (So, I am hoping the Unisom I took mixed with my Remeron will help me sleep tonight finally.) 

Babygaga.com & Ghostwriting

So, I got some amazing news that I am beyond excited about! That babygaga.com thing did turn out to be a smart move on my part. I got an email response today and they asked me to submit a few more topic ideas, so I did. Then I got a welcome e-mail and that said they were interested in having me join their team! I am on a 6 week trial period, which is understandable, and I would get $20 an article plus $0.40/1,000 views. That is way, way more than I am making now as I ghostwriter.

I emailed her back and thanked you graciously for the opportunity and said that I can’t wait to get started and to let me know where we go from here. As for my ghostwriting job, I may as well spill the beans now… I ghostwrite for someone on babygaga and make a hell of a lot less than they make per article. And while they have 3-4 days to complete their articles for babygaga, they have only been giving me a one-day deadline. However, I have decided that I really don’t want to give the ghostwriting job fully, especially since I am only on a 6 week trial period. I mean, what if, for whatever reason, things don’t work out between me and babygaga and I need something to fall back on at least I will have the ghostwriting.

I emailed the lady that assigns me the articles and explained that I am starting a new job, and will let her know when I find out more, but that I doubt I will be able to take on more than 2-3 articles a week tops. Actually, 3 would even be pushing it. I would have to literally work 7 days a week even just doing the 2 articles a week. It will be worth it though, and I am so ecstatic to see what will come of this babygaga.com website content writer position.

I am hoping that my current position, the ghostwriting, will understand that I needed to take on more work, especially since they pay me so little. (I make like $6.88 an article at most.) I also hope that they don’t decide to hire me over this, especially because I really do need the money and they are good with their pay. Plus, I need them to leave positive feedback for me on my Upwork profile so more people will want to/consider hiring me in the future.

90 Days Clean (3 Months)  & 4th of July

I cannot believe it! Saturday, July 8th, will be my 90 days clean. Or, in-other-words, my 3 months clean. I am definitely going to a meeting Saturday to receive my 3 months sober coin. I cannot believe I have made it this far without using drugs or alcohol. Only God know, how many times I have had the urges or cravings to get drunk. More so, I like the feeling of being drunk and getting out of my own head, even if it’s just for an hour to a few hours.

I don’t miss: the hangovers, the vomiting, the extra calories (even though I have been making that up in food, the heartburn, the feeling like death or like I’m literally dying the next day, the not remembering what I did because I was drunk phases, the arguing with people and forgetting the arguments because I was drunk phases, the excessive thirty, the drunk dialing/texting/social mediaing phases, the suicidal phases, the self-injury phases, the freaking out for no reason phases, the not remember what I did the night before phases, the forgetting things at places phases, the all of the above and more phases.

I do miss: the feeling less awkward, feeling like I fit in, not giving a shit, not caring what people think about phase, the overly confident phase, the more outgoing phase, the language that only your twin could understanding, the general not caring phase, the general boost of self-confidence phase, room service just because I can. There is a requirements list.

The feeling of being drunk without the aftermath and stages of literacy would be really nice. I made it through almost the whole entire holiday without wanting to drink. That is probably because I have kept myself really busy with articles and other little things. Holidays seem to be getting easier to be around without getting sloshed. Then again, I wasn’t really around much alcohol either. If I were to be around alcohol or if it were readily available, that may have been a different story.

My Dad

I got a call from my dad that he’s in the hospital. I guess he has appendicitis. They are keeping him overnight,  giving him IV antibiotics, and then checking in on him in the morning and deciding if he needs his appendix out, which he most likely does. I wish I could go visit him, but he lived down south and I am up north. So I am wishing him a speedy recovery and hoping that he gets better fast. 

Articles & Topics

I am having severe #writersblock already and cannot figure out what to write for my next article. I am just glad that When Love Turns Toxic got published on vocal. If anyone has any suggestions for topic ideas relating to:

  • Mental Health
  • Addiction
  • Love, Relationships & Dating Advice
  • Other Medical Topics
  • Reviews
  • Pregnancy & Parenting
  • Family Issues
  • Eating Disorders
  • Insomnia & Other Sleep Disorders
  • Etc…

Please comment and give me some suggestions. My mind is running on empty and I cannot, for some reason, think of any new topics. That would be greatly appreciated. I have quite a few followers now, so I am sure someone HAS to have an idea on a topic for an article.


Have A Happy, Safe, & Sober

(To all you recoveree’s out there)

4th Of July

∞Samantha♥∞

Emotional Overload *Trigger Warning*

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Emotional Overload

I am in an emotional overload and I don’t know why. I am all over the place and every little thing has been making me cry. I know I have had a medication increase, but I really don’t think it is that. When I was talking to my dad, he suggested that it had to do with sobriety, and he had a point. I heard that before, that you can randomly start to feel emotions that you have never felt before because you are sober.

But, I am also different from all that because I am also bipolar, and I have PTSD. (and other things) So I am sure that all of that has to play in it as well. I hate this. I hate feeling like this like I am drowning again like I am getting pulled under the water and I can’t get out, and I can’t breathe. I feel like I can’t fight this, or these feelings either.

Since I am a self-injurer, and I am in an emotional overload, I am getting the urges to cut again. I am fighting them, and haven’t done anything as of yet, but they are there, and they are strong. I know my coping skills, and I have them, I haven’t exactly utilized them but I know they are there if I need them. Well, technically… I guess I am using a coping skill since I am writing,

I am feeling pretty overwhelmed and depressed. I hope I am not entering a depressive episode because I just came out of a manic episode not too long ago. (you can read about it HEREI hate these up and downs with bipolar disorder. I hate the fact that I have to live with this disorder for the rest of my life. I have to dive into darkness and constantly try to dig my way out, and then rocket into a manic episode and never know what kind of horror awaits me.

I don’t think there are even any words out there that I would use that would explain how depression, anxiety, and mental ill exactly feel. I don’t think I could even describe how I am feeling to another unless they have been in this situation.

It’s just like a darkness, a black cloud has consumed you, It feels like you lost something or someone that you really loved and you are standing there at their funeral You’re looking down at their casket and seeing their bloated and lifeless face. for the first time, and you just want to break down and cry…  Depression is like your worst day x10, and everything has gone wrong and you just want to give up and stop fighting because you don’t see the point anymore. The only difference is that this feeling can last a indefinite time, or even for a period of time if you are bipolar.

My emotions just tend to over run me sometimes. I know my coping my coping skills and techniques, but sometimes in the heat of the moment my brain can’t think of them or even comprehend them and it’s like there not even there, if that makes any sense.

Insomnia has also overrun my life and I am not sleeping very well at all. I mean, right now it is 4:30 am, and I am up writing this. I have an article due at 8:30 am that I have not begun and I am freaking out. I asked for an extension and have not heard back. My mind is just racing. What if they don’t grant me the extension and they fire me? There goes my writing career… I feel like I am going to have to another mini mental break down soon or something. I can’t even keep up with my housework obligations. I feel like I am failing in life right now.

Today was a decent today for awhile so I don’t know why I am feeling this way. I went to this lake, Lake Mauch Crunch, and that is set up like a beach with my mom and my boyfriend’s daughter and we had an amazing, relaxing, and sober, girls afternoon. I just want to add that my boyfriend’s daughter, who is almost 20 (he had h er when he was 15), is a very beautiful woman, but she doesn’t see herself that way. She is like me, and like a lot of women, who struggle with body dysmorphia. I hope that one day, she will be able to see how beautiful she truly is because she really is. ♥

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Lake Mauch Chunk

On the topic of body dysmorphia, I know that I am a big girl. I get that. I have always been a girl. But no matter where I go, or who I see, I am always the biggest person there. That is how I see it. I can’t help it, and I can’t stop it. I can stand next to someone who is 200lbs more than me, literally, and I will still think to myself, wow I am so much bigger than her. I have been called ugly and fat by people my whole life and that is who I see myself. I have no self -esteem all. Posting pictures of myself below my neck is a major, major step for me and something I don’t do normally at all. But I an going to be brave and tough it out on here and leave my comfort zone as a way of working on my self-esteem, and post of full picture of my body on here and prepare myself for the fat shaming comment. So below if a picture of me in my bathing suit;

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Body Dysmorphia Is A Hard Thing To Break. This Is The Me I Don’t Like To Show,

-Samantha ♥



 

Sea Isle City ’17: Day 6

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Sea Isle City 2017: Day 6 (Thursday)

For the first time since I have been on vacation, I did not isolate… at least fully. I spent some time working on my one article, even though my focus was horrific for some reason today. I just could not focus. My boyfriend and I talked about leaving and coming home today, but we ended up staying. Even though I am pretty homesick, I am glad we decided to stay in a way. I actually had a decent time today.

I am one of the most self-conscious people that I know, but I still put a bathing suit on. My boyfriend, Mike, and I went to grab some ice cream sometime in the afternoon and then walked to the beach. I was glad I talked myself into it. Summer if most definitely not my favorite season, but I love the sound of the ocean which makes it all worth it for me. I find it relaxing. I attempted to go in the water, but it was too cold for my liking.

We didn’t stay quite as long as I had planned on, but it was long enough for me. The group that we were with, were mainly all drinkers, so I was kind of like the odd man out. You never really pay attention to how much people actually drink until you’re the only one there not sipping on something. I just started to feel left out again… I just felt like I was maybe too young to be giving up drinking just yet since everyone else that was there was roughly my age and they all seemed to be doing just fine. I know I was just trying to justify it in my head and make excuses as to why I should be able to have a drink, and I get that now, but I can’t always stop the thoughts as they come.

I really am feeling pretty homesick though, and I miss my puppy like crazy. I think I have like separation anxiety from being away from my dog. I am just glad my mom was able to watch Max for me while I went on vacation. I don’t think I would have been able to trust anyone else with him. I know he is only a dog, and this is probably going to sound crazy, but Max is literally like a baby to me and I am so worried that when I leave here, he is not going to want to come to me, or even come back home. That maybe he is happier, and maybe even better off at my mom’s. I don’t think my thought process is normal. He is more than just a dog to me though. I was told I can’t have kids, so he is a kid to me. I am one of those proud pet parents.

I wish I would have utilized my time here better. Went to the beach more, got more sun. Did something. I don’t know. I feel like I wasted my entire time being so wrapped up in my writing and worrying about staying sober so much that I was unable to have fun. I did a few things here and there that may be classified as “fun” but not much. I isolated so much. However, I honestly do not think I would have been able to stay sober if I would have gone to all the dinner parties, and totally submerged myself in the whole socialization aspect like I have done every other year that I’ve come here. It’s definitely been a challenge for me.

I can’t help but wonder how long I am going to have to feel like this for. How long does the struggle sensation last? I don’t want to feel like I am battling something for the rest of my life. It’s bad enough that I have to battle mental illness until the day that I die, and now I have to do the recovering addict thing too? Forever? How long is forever? Will the temptations ever fully go away? I don’t know if I have it in me to fight this war forever because forever is a long time. I know… one day at a time. I can’t help but look at the full view of the picture at times though, but logically I also know that if I am looking at the bigger picture, I am missing a few of the closer details than. If that makes any sense.

I guess it’s just that sometimes the thought of the words “forever” or “never” scare me sometimes. I try not to use them or think about them. But they still randomly pop up inside of my head occasionally, no matter how hard I try to fight them off.

I miss the feeling of being able to get trashed, or high, and being able to just get out of my own head, even if it was just for a little while. That was usually the whole purpose as to why I would love to get so screwed up. I don’t know if that’s why people without mental illnesses drink or use, but I know that is why I used to use. It was basically like self-medicating. I hate being trapped inside my own head half the time. It isn’t the nicest place to be a majority of the time.

I have moments where I know I have made the right choice to get clean. Then I have the moments where I feel like I have made the worst mistake of my life because nothing is worth having to sit and deal with these emotional issues that sometimes arise. Then there are the mixed moments where I am totally undecided. I get mixed emotions about a lot of things in my life, but I guess that tends to happen a lot when you are bipolar.

Sometimes being stuck in my own head feels like I am being pulled under this giant, crushing, ocean wave, and I cannot breathe. It feels like I am suffocating, slowing drowning and getting pulled under over and over again. And every time I think I start to see the surface, another wave crashes over and I just get pulled further down, still suffocating, until my lungs ache and burn without oxygen. It’s like you know you’re slowly dying, and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. You just stare and panic and everything goes blank. Being stuck in my head gets that severe at times; like it gets so overwhelming, my mind and everything races, I freak out until I ultimately have a panic attack, and then I just get so emotionally drained that I crash.

I am going to add some pictures from today below.

Samantha ♥

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Sea Isle City ’17: Day 2

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My boyfriend & I


Since I am using writing as my main coping mechanism for my mental health and addiction issues, I have come to the conclusion that it is probably in my best interest to try to add at least one blog post daily. Blogging, and writing in general, are very therapeutic for me. I honestly don’t know where I would be without it. Probably still using alcohol and drugs is my guess, along with being a total emotional wreck instead of a partial one.

Today started off kind of rocky. I was up until close to 5 am working on an article and didn’t go to bed until sometime shortly after. By the time I woke up, it was around 11 am. Not even an hour after getting up, I was told that everyone was going to a bloody mary drinking competition. Sounds innocent enough, right? All I have to do is avoid going there, right? Well, it just happens to be that bloody mary’s are (were?) one of my favorite drinks, and my mom and I used to toss them back like they were water. So right away that triggered me into wanting to drink.

The urges I was getting to drink were pretty bad, and since I knew I couldn’t drink, that then triggered the urge to self-harm. Right away, I pulled out my phone and started to utilize my S.A.F.E. alternatives app and started to fill out my impulse control log. Then, I started to text people and tried to distract myself. It’s already hard enough to fend off one bad habit/addiction, let alone two of them. In the end, my coping strategies worked this time around, and I calmed down enough and didn’t give in to temptation for either addiction.

One thing about this yearly vacation with my boyfriend’s family is that his “extended family” all meet up here. So each day during the entire week we are here, each family will host a dinner party at their home. So that is a lot of dinner parties, a lot of alcohol, and a lot of drunken people to be around. Attendance is mandatory. I can only pray for the courage to be strong enough to make it through each dinner party, each day. So, therefore, every day I know I am guaranteed to face some kind of challenge.

After I made it through tonight’s dinner party, barely, my boyfriend and I took a nice long walk on the beach. It felt pretty good. Little by little, I am seeing that I am able to enjoy doing little things while sober. I was able to take some pictures too, (which I am going to post a few on here) however they didn’t turn out the best since it was already pretty dark outside and I was only taking the pictures with my cellphone.

There are these 5 amazing people that I want to thank for being there for me these past few days, who have really been supporting me with my recovery. They have been putting up with my constant texts, calls, and rants. I know two of them don’t really visit this page but I want to thank them anyway. So Megan, Kayl, Mom, Dad, & Mike. . . Thanks for putting up with my constant crap. I know I am a difficult person right now, but I greatly appreciate your support and help.

On the mental health end of the spectrum today, I have been feeling pretty anxious, edgy, and a bit emotional at times today. There were certain parts of the day where I just thought I was going to burst into tears. Like when I found out they were having a bloody mary competition and I couldn’t partake in the festivities.

While I still have the highs and lows, I must admit, I do feel a tiny bit more stable than I was when I had my last manic episode and I think a lot of that has to do with the increase in my one medication, Vraylar. I have been on more medications that I can even name, and this is, by far, the best one I have found so far. At least that I can recall. I am NOT, in any way, trying to advertise for this medication. Everyone reacts to medications differently. What works for one person, may not work for the next. 

I feel more stable than I have in a while, but at the same time, I don’t know if I truly believe my own statement. I know that sounds odd, but what I mean is, that even though I feel stable now, I never stay stable. Ever. Everything I do happens in a cycle. I will go through a depressive phase, then a manic phase, then I will feel normal – or baseline – for a little while, and then I will get depressed again. That’s exactly how it goes for me. It is neverending. It has been like that for as long as I can remember.

  1. Depression
  2. Mania
  3. Baseline

 

I find that everything I do goes in cycles. This is the life of a person with Bipolar 1 Disorder. I would even drink in cycles. I would go periods where I would drink every day, then once in a while, then not at all, then every day again. I have met other people who are bipolar who experience the same types of patterns that I do. Usually, it’s hard to tell or distinguish those types of patterns or cycles until you have been dealing with your disorder for a while. I used to regularly track/chart my moods and I had started to see patterns while I was working with a therapist. I am not sure if I would have been able to pick up on these types of behaviors on my own. Maybe I would have eventually, but at least I know now, and I have known for a while. So when I see myself getting into a cycle I can try to look for ways to cope or break the cycle before I get in too deep. However, there are other times when I am utterly clueless until after the cycle has already ended.

Usually, it’s hard to tell or distinguish those types of patterns or cycles until you have been dealing with your disorder for a while. I used to regularly track/chart my moods and I had started to see patterns while I was working with a therapist. I am not sure if I would have been able to pick up on these types of behaviors on my own. Maybe I would have eventually, but at least I know now, and I have known for a while. So when I see myself getting into a cycle I can try to look for ways to cope or break the cycle before I get in too deep. However, there are other times when I am utterly clueless until after it is already too late, or until the cycle has already ended.

I really encourage anyone who is living with bipolar disorder to try mood charting for at least a month minimum. It is simply amazing on the patterns that can be seen and picked up. You can Click Here to go to my post about the mood chart I created on MS Word and play around with it to make it suit your personal needs.

-Samantha ♥


Below are some (badly taken) pictures from my first-time-walking-on-the-beach-at-night-sober stroll! Enjoy! ♥

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