Insomnia Never Ends: Feb 7 @ 5:20 am

Insomnia Never Ends: February 7, 2018 | 5:20 AM

I hate not being able to sleep, and it seems to be happening more and more. I was able to sleep fairly well for a little there – I guess that has now come to an end. I was up until 3:45 am working an article that was due 3 hours and 45 minutes before I actually submitted it. I guess, on a good note, I am fairly normal with my writing again and take them 5-7x a week. On a bad note, at least for me because this really doesn’t affect anyone else, I think my negative thoughts and feelings along with my low mood is starting to gradually creep back in.

I was extremely happy and thought I found a cure for my depression, but I was wrong. Now I am wondering if maybe I didn’t actually get better at all, but was instead really in a “euphoric” manic episode. It is definitely a real possibility because it has happened before. The even worse part was that I had begun slacking on taking my psych meds. Yep, I did it again. I fall for it every time I start to feel better – or maybe like normality had finally found me. Well, may not technically every time I feel happier but definitely way more than I should. I am about 80 percent sure that it was just a manic episode. It lasted much longer than it normally does. I think the longest I had an episode like that last, before this, was for 30 days in October of 2010. That episode even landed me in a psych ward. I was pretty destructive during that time from. However, in my defense, that was only two months after my d. bag of an ex-husband left me. (I used the term “d. bag” when I really wanted to say something that was highly inappropriate for a lady to say…)

I know I shouldn’t say this, because, “if you don’t have anything nice to say… you shouldn’t say anything at all.” – blah blah blah. But yeah, I don’t always follow that rule. If anyone has read any posts I have written regarding my “family” and about how they obviously never loved me unconditionally, you would definitely know that. But with my ex, I found out a whole lot of crap he had done to me behind my back after we broke up. The only reason I even heard anything at all, was because his former “best friend” is now the man that I love very much, live with, and am indefinitely engaged too. Some of the things I found out were very disturbing and I hope that he gets caught and rots in prison indefinitely. 

I have to admit this: I have really been feeling bad about myself lately. My self-esteem has dropped incredibly low. I am not completely one hundred percent sure why – but I have a pretty good idea about one of the many things that have brought these old, yet familiar, feelings back. I have gained more weight than I would like to admit, and I am almost positive that I am the biggest person anyone has ever met. I know it is a distorted though, but yet I believe it because I hate how I look now. Not that I even liked how I looked back then when I weighed a heck of a lot less. 

Every time I go to eat something this voice in my head starts screaming at me, making fun of me, and telling me to “put the fork down” no matter what I go to eat. It doesn’t matter if I hadn’t even eaten yet that day and it’s now 6 pm. It’s strange because one day I was okay with myself for the first time in a while, and then it’s like I just woke up the next morning and glanced at the mirror too long and started to realize how fat my face looks. 

I think I am finally able to fall asleep. I hope everyone has a good night – or had a good night since it is now after 6 am. 😀

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