Who else is up with me right now?! Well, technically it is after midnight already. But the title of this post is still very fitting right now. (It’s going on almost 2:30 a.m. already) And as I was trying to wind down and relax for the night by watching some Netflix, my mind decided rest would be out of the question – at least for the time being!
My brain just decided to randomly start racing in the wee hours of the morning with all these things I wanted to do and all these things I should already be doing or have forgotten to do thought the day.
I started to think about how I would love to start some new projects tonight. Maybe color a little, read a new book, blog, or perhaps even sign up to go back to school. I want to do everything right here and right now but the one thing I can’t seem to get myself to do in this instant is slow down enough go to sleep.
So, here I sit one again blogging about my mental health and insomnia issues! Times like this when I can’t seem to get my mind to focus on one single thing without adding hundreds of other things to the mix I like to try to blog or journal to help me cope. It’s also in a sense, a way for me to organize what’s going on inside my head because I don’t even know what’s going on up stairs half the time.
And Then Suddenly, BAM!
I am starting to feel slightly manic-like; not quite hypo-manic and not quite full blown manic either. I started to feel a little more awake and alert gradually as the sun started to set after being exhausted all damn day and then suddenly BAM, this burst of energy hit me out of no where. How is it even possible for a mind to from 0 to 100 – empty to full – without much notice?
Why can’t I seem to have this type of energy during appropriate times like during the day when they sun in wide awake in the sky! But nope, things don’t work like that for me and my body. Most of my energy seems to occur at night while the rest of the world is sleeping.; while I should be sleeping too!
On The Subject of Sleep:
Speaking of sleep, although I might lay in bed for 8 to 10 hours a night, on the rare occasions when I am able slow my mind down, I am not actually asleep for all those hours. Even on 100-200 mg of Trazodone a night I am still dealing with broken sleep almost every single night. I toss and turn so damn much and by the time I have to get up in the morning my body is incredibly achy and in so much pain. Go to sleep in pain, wake up in pain. Ah, what fun, right?
I usually also wake up more tired than I was when I first went to bed the night before. It’s not very often that I can jump right out of bed and actually feel like sleep has done something for my body and mind.
Perhaps the lack of energy I tend to feel during the day and lousy sleep at night could have something to do with not just my insomnia issues but with my sleep apnea as well. I even had my tonsils and adenoids removed when I was in my teens to try to help with my sleep apnea (per my doctor’s request) but I feel like that did absolutely nothing.
I had a C-PAP machine a few years ago but I kept ripping the mask off my face every night while I was asleep and wasn’t clocking enough hours on the machine itself for my insurance to keep the machine covered for me so, naturally, I stopped using it. (To make matters worse, I forgot to return the machine and ended up losing it. Oops!)
There are some nights where I will have these crazy, vivid dreams where I am drowning or choking and actually wake up gasping for air. Plus, laying on my back to sleep is a major no-no if I like breathing at night.
On Another Note:
Anyway, on another note, on top of the racing thoughts and ideas I am having, I am now also starting to feel a little on edge; irritable, maybe. Thanks to all the years of me mood charting and documenting how I feel, I am able to pick out specific symptoms even as I am going through them but that doesn’t necessarily mean I always know what do to about my symptoms in that moment.
I am not even sure if that makes sense to anyone but me!
It’s like knowing you’re in a panic attack, logically knowing that you know coping mechanisms to stay grounded, but illogically not being able to think of what those mechanisms actually are in the heat of the moment. Right now, I can see that I am in a manic episode but I have no damn idea what I can even do about it besides what I am already doing at the moment; writing.
I am sincerely hoping that this episode will be one of the really rapid ones which might allow me to try to get some much needed sleep by at least 5 or 6 a.m. However, it’s already almost 4 a.m. so I don’t have much faith that I am going to be able to shut down enough to get some sleep.
This Girl Right Here!
I can technically take 100 mg more of Trazodone, but if I take it this late and the second dose actually helps this time there is a good chance that I won’t be out of bed before noon.
Not that it should really matter with being quarantined at home all the time these days, but I hate sleeping all day because it makes me feel like I wasted the whole day.
I just keep looking at the clock and praying that I will start to feel drowsy any minute. Even if I would stay up all night, who is to say that trying to get any sleep tomorrow night would be any easier. Who the hell takes Trazodone and doesn’t get even the sightliest bit drowsy! This girl right here! 🙋♀️
It’s like a hit or miss without an in between; either this med will knock me out or it doesn’t even phase me in the least!
Well, I am going to try to tackle some other writing ideas or try to find some other ways to utilize my time and energy before I drag this post out any further! Thanks for reading!
P.S. I Have A Question For You Before I Go….
If you happen to read this and also happen to be bipolar or struggle with insomnia issues, what are some ways that you slow your racing mind down enough to catch some decent sleep at night?
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.