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Before The Sun Rises

At this very moment, it is almost 5 in the morning. I woke up about 30 minutes ago and haven’t been able to go back to sleep. I figured now is a great time to blog and post an update about how I have been doing. I’ve been meaning to post something for some time now. I’ve created so many personal posts and just ended up deleting them before they were even finished.

(Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors that you may find since I am attempting this post on my smartphone via the WordPress app.)

One of the main reasons that I keep deleting my posts instead of finishing them is because I’ve either been trying to blog really late at night or too early in the morning and falling asleep while typing. Then, by the next day, my mood would be entirely different from how I felt while writing the post that I feel it’s pointless to even post it anymore.

Since my last personal post, my moods have been all over the place from dealing with feeling hopelessly depressed to incredibly manic. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been forgetting to take my morning dose of Tegretol. It’s not necessarily that I’ve been forgetting it, but more so that I’ve been dealing with some tummy troubles again lately. And because of that, I’ve been taking my morning meds when I feel like my stomach can tolerate them better which then leads to me forgetting to take them. Still not a good reason, I know.

The past week or two I’ve been keeping myself busy with writing. It seems that there is always something for me to write. And as some of you may be aware, writing is my main coping mechanism and it helps to either keep me out of my head or it helps me clear my head by allowing me to get my feelings out.

Just last week, I was in such a deep depression that I didn’t think I would ever feel okay again. Now, this week, it started to lift a bit and the gray clouds have started to break away allowing some sun to shine through.

Every depression I find myself starting to feel more and more hopeless each time. I’ve spent the past month avoiding my main responsibilities and started to dig myself into such a deep hole that I still have to try to climb my way out of. I had missed several appointments just because I started to feel like I just couldn’t leave my apartment again.

One of the appointments I missed was my last therapy session and that was about a month ago. I stalled on rescheduling it until just the other day and now I go see her Monday.

It’s funny because for once I feel like I have so much that I should be saying or getting out but I just don’t feel like talking about some of the way I have been feeling. Besides feeling like I can’t leave my house some days thanks to my anxiety, not being very chatty has also played a role in delaying my therapy appointment.

I have a massive list of crap that I need to try to get done and at this point, completing my to-do list seems impossible. I know I should try to tackle things one at a time, but some tasks are time sensitive and can’t wait. Yet, knowing that just makes me freeze up. How do I get myself to unfreeze? That is a legit question…

Well, I am probably going to try to get some more sleep since the sun has yet to rise.

Thanks for reading!

Samantha