Feeling A Little Crazy
I apologize for not posting much lately. I have been keeping myself busy with writing for different sites and blogs. I also haven’t been blogging because I don’t really want to talk about how I feel right now. This feeling is completely new to me. I have never gotten to the point where I just don’t want to talk about what is really going on inside my head. I am going to try to open up a little, but it is giving me a lot of anxiety.
I don’t understand why I don’t want to talk. I haven’t even been going to therapy. I had an appointment on Monday and on my way there I changed my mind and decided not to go. Why am I like this right now? I don’t really feel okay a lot of the time either. But I hide it behind a smile. I have confided in exactly one person. I don’t even know why I am not okay.
I haven’t even been active in the My Bipolar Mind Facebook group. I hate to admit this, but I don’t want to be the helpful person that I usually am. My patience with so many things is wearing thin. Feeling this way has kind of made me a bit mean and angry, and that is not me. My boyfriend has to keep telling me, “This is not how you keep friends.” I kind of need that reminder sometimes.
I have been neglecting a lot of my responsibilities. Things just keep piling up and I feel like I have dug a deep hole for myself and I am at the very bottom and cannot figure out how to get out of it. The thought of just giving up has crossed my mind more times than I would like to admit. I feel like I am trying to hide from the things that I have to get done. I just want to curl up under a blanket like a little child and hide away from everything like nothing else exists.
Just saying all this and finally admitting that this is how I have been feeling is fucking hard for me to do. I have been holding so much inside that I feel like an explosion is near; like a volcano getting ready to erupt. The daytime is not nearly as bad as the nighttime. Right now, it is 1:59 am. Right now I don’t feel the best. I don’t feel okay.
People say it’s okay to not be okay. But I am finding that hard to believe right now. I feel like I am in a dream that I cannot escape. Sometimes things just feel so hazy like my life is just passing me by and I am on the outside just watching from the passenger seat because I sure as hell am not the driver, I don’t know how to face a lot of things right now. I don’t like feeling this like this.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.