Anxiety Fueled

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I have been filled with an excessive amount of anxiety since about 11:30 am yesterday. Jasper had gotten his head caught in between two metal bars under our recliner while he was hiding from two of my Godson’s. Thank God my best friend, Jazmine, was here too because she ended up being the one to save my poor kitty’s life.

When I realized Jasper was trapped, he started making this horrible sounds and he was choking. I yelled for Jazmine and her one son and I lifted the recliner up while she had to try to pry the bars apart. We have no idea how Jasper got his head stuck the way he did, but it was bad. We honestly thought I was about to lose another cat to a freak accident. I was panicking and freaking out. I even started to hyperventilate and the tears were just a matter of seconds away. The bars just would not open.

Somehow, a miracle happened and Jazmine had gotten some superhuman mom strength and was able to finally bend the bars apart in just enough time, but she ended up slicing her hand open in the process. Jasper didn’t have any visible injuries but he was freaked out and not moving, but he was breathing.

I have kept an eye on him ever since. He is back to hiding, but he is not walking right. I mean, he’s not limping or anything but he is walking very slow and cautiously like he’s in a lot of pain or very terrified and it’s heartbreaking to see my little guy like that. He is not playing with his toys, which is odd for him. He didn’t eat until this morning, and then he finally also used the potty. However, he is not drinking any water. I am currently out of milk but Jazmine is going to bring me some to see if we can get him to drink that.

I am flat broke and cannot afford to take him to the vet but I really, really want him to get checked out. I sent a message to the No Kill Lehigh Valley who I was told are supposed to help people cover costs of vet bills and I messaged them at 10 am, but have not heard anything back yet. I am anxiety fueled right now and I am just extremely worried about Jasper. To be honest, I don’t even really want to leave my house because I am worried about him being gone alone. I wish there was something I could give him for the pain.

I keep praying that I do not lose him too. It’s only been a little over a week since I lost Buddy. 2019 has been yet another shitty year so far. I honestly don’t know what I would do or how I would react if I were to lose another furbaby. I don’t think I would be able to handle that very well. I am trying to be optimistic while feeling so pessimistic. Why can’t there be a Medicaid program for our beloved furbabies? To so many people, pets are just like a child. To those of us who can’t have children, they are our children.

Yesterday was just a bad day in general.

I also ended up stepping on a random piece of glass in our bedroom and it went in pretty far. When I pulled the glass out, the wound just bled and I had a trail of blood from where I pulled it out to our bathroom. In the process, I stepped on my favorite gray hoodie and stained it. Yep. That is just my luck. My foot actually hurts a decent amount today. I hope a piece of the glass didn’t break off in my foot.

Then, to end the night in a great way, someone tried insinuating that Jasper getting stuck and hurt was my fault. As if I didn’t feel bad enough already. This person just added so much guilt on to my shoulders. I can’t figure out what I did wrong, but I must have done something, right? I still feel guilty for Buddy dying since I closed the shower curtain. It is so much easier to blame myself. If you say it’s my fault, fine… it must be.

I feel like I let Jasper down, just like I let Buddy down because I couldn’t protect them. Hell, I always feel like I’m a letdown. I am always disappointing someone. I feel like I can’t do anything right, and having people tell me things like it’s my fault my cat got hurt just goes to confirm this.

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