Keeping Myself Entertained

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It has been a very long week for me that has been filled with more lows than highs. Today marks one week since Buddy tragically passed away, and tomorrow makes it one week since Jasper came to live with us. I haven’t cried yet today, surprisingly, but the night isn’t over yet. Someone told me that sometimes it can be harder losing an animal than some human beings and a part of me thinks that there may be some truth to that. Jasper has definitely been making the pain more tolerable. I don’t know what I would do without him. He’s so loving and cuddly. 😻

I have been filling my time by writing, spending time with Jasper, and watching Nurse Jackie on Netflix. I binge watched six seasons and will be starting season seven tomorrow. I have been trying to keep myself entertained so that I stop thinking about everything that has gone wrong in my life. I have also been having flashbacks to things that I haven’t thought about in a while. Although some of that could be from the fact that I started rewatching the second season of 13 Reasons Why the other night. For those of you who have never seen this Netflix series, it has some serious situations in it that range from suicide to rape and substance abuse – all of which can be triggering for many people.

I was taken off of hold and can start writing for BG again. I also decided to take on a website that I used to write for before called TheTalko. Both sites have been keeping me pretty busy. Since last Thursday, today was the first day that I have really been able to write anything other than two blog posts (So Heartbroken and Meet Jasper) and a few journal entries which just is not like me at all.

I finally made it to my first therapy appointment since February on Tuesday. I had assumed that I would spend the whole session bawling my eyes out, but surprisingly I only shed a few tears. I’m isolating, though. I have really only been talking to a few people as well. I am not even sure how I am feeling anymore. I am starting to remember everything that I have been putting off since well before Buddy died and it is starting to feel overwhelming again. I have been in a bipolar funk for some time now, but Buddy’s death was just the icing on the cake.

After Buddy died, I frantically looked for his favorite toy. I am not sure why but I just felt like I needed to have it and know where it was. Well, Tuesday around 5 am (I didn’t fall asleep until almost 6:30 am) Mike found Buddy’s favorite little white mouse. I fell asleep holding it and then woke up two hours later still holding it and my eyes really stung. When I looked in the mirror I realized that I had been crying in my sleep. Hence, the reason my eyes burned. I can’t even remember what I had been dreaming about.

Now that I have his mouse and it’s been a few days, I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know what I even needed that mouse like my life depended on it or like finding it would bring Buddy back in the first place. Every now and then I will just hold it and start crying. This mouse was the last toy that Buddy ever played with. Jasper tried getting at it a few times, but Mike and I both agree that he can have any other toy he wants or finds in this apartment but he just can’t have this one.

There was once a time, not too long ago, that I just wanted to try to save everyone. Now I feel like I am struggling to just save myself. I read somewhere that, “Suicidal people don’t really want to die, they just want the pain to stop.” It is insane how true that rings for so many people. I know for me, I don’t really want to die. I just want this constant cycling pain to subside. 🤷‍♀️

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