Trying To Be Optimistic While Feeling Pessimistic
It is hard to really decipher how I am feeling. I’m up and down, high and low. If someone were to ask me how I was feeling, I would probably have to shrug my shoulders and then laugh and cry at the same time. I am trying to look at things from an optimistic viewpoint while feeling pessimistic and unsure about almost everything in life. I keep wondering if I am good enough… at anything.
I hate the fact that I need constant reassurance. I am always asking if I did something right or well enough. Then if I get told I made a mistake, I will start to feel down and become extremely hard on myself. No one will ever be as hard on me as I am on myself. I am my own worst critic and enemy. But mistakes happen, and I am only human and I need to learn to understand that better. I am always telling other’s it’s okay to make mistakes because things happen, but when it comes to myself I have the tendency to get angry at myself.
Today, I saw a message from my one editor regarding a major mistake I must have accidentally made absentmindedly. I was told that this mistake was serious, and I just kept apologizing. I somehow managed to copy a line from another site and I must have forgotten to use quotes. I sourced it, but at the bottom of the article and not in the entry itself. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and I am beating myself up. I feel completely incompetent and like maybe I should just stick to blogging on here. Maybe writing isn’t for me. I would never intentionally copy another persons work because I wouldn’t want it done to me. And it has been done to me. Now, I feel like my editor just hates me even more.
This same editor had me redo an outline 7 times because apparently I am no good at finding pictures that don’t look too blurry, too stocky, too posed, just too everything. While looking for one specific picture, a note was left for me that said something along the lines of, “I don’t know why it’s so difficult for you to find a picture of a real baby.” Well, damn, I had real pictures but they were all either too this or too that and then after like my third photo rejection I started to be overly critical of every picture and nothing looked good enough. I feel like I am trying to meet impossible standards now. There are so many different instances of things like this that just add to how incompetent I feel.
I have had four editors and never ran into this many problems before. I would love to ask if she has something against me, but then I may no longer be welcome to write for her. I just feel so stupid sometimes. Again, I have to ask, am I good enough? Anyway, enough about how incompetent I feel.
Japer’s Vet Visit
We were finally able to take Jasper to the vet yesterday (Thanks to No Kill Lehigh Valley for covering the vet costs! Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to have my precious boy checked out!) and they said that he is definitely not acting right. The vet said that Jasper may be intellectually disabled for the rest of his life because of his accident. (You can read about it in my post Anxiety Fueled.) They also mentioned that he probably hurt his back, but that they won’t give him anything for pain because they don’t know exactly what all is wrong with him.
I am very grateful that Jasper is still alive and I will always love and care for him no matter what challenges he may face. But it is still kind of heartbreaking because this little guy had such a fiery, feisty, and amazing personality that I only got a small glimpse of, and now it may be gone forever. My boyfriend threw out the chair that Jasper got stuck in that caused this the other day while Jasper and I were snuggling and sleeping. I was so happy when I noticed that the chair was gone. Even the vet said that recliners and other chairs just like them are known as cat killers. We have started going through and kitten proofing the apartment.
We never had to worry about kitten proofing the house with Buddy because he never got into anything bad, at least not until that freak accident. Every time I leave the house I worry about Jasper now and just pray that he doesn’t find something (that we may have missed) to get into that could harm him.
The other day someone told me to just stop worrying and being anxious. If I were able to do that my life would be so much easier, but I can’t figure out how to turn off the worries and anxieties. In almost 33 years I have never been able to figure out how to do that along with some many other people who struggle with their mental health issues. Far too many people don’t seem to understand how hurtful and offensive it can be when someone says, “Just stop feeling like that,” or “Get over it.” Those two sayings are triggers for me. They are also kind of insulting because if I were able to just “get over it,” don’t you think I would have done that already?
What some people also don’t seem to realize is that when they tell people to “get over it” or “just stop feeling that way” that they are basically saying that the person’s feelings are invalid. People feel what they feel and most of the time that cannot be helped or controlled. So, basically, I felt like I was being told my feelings were invalid or wrong. Not too long ago, I felt like there was no point in talking about how I feel anymore but no one cares anyway. I started to open back up after Buddy tragically passed away. After I was told to just stop feeling the way I was feeling I was highly irritated and wanted to retreat back into my shell. I regretted confiding in that person at the time. I felt stupid like, “Damn, why the hell did I even open my mouth.”
After talking to my dad about how I felt, he reminded me that some people will never be able to understand, especially if they have never gone through it themselves. However, the person that triggered my has dealt with mental health issues of their own so I was stumped as to why they would even say something like that to me in the first place. This person should already have known that when it comes to me trying to control my emotions and feelings that it’s a no-go. It’s like, when have I ever really been able to do that?
It kind of made me want to be insensitive next time they were going through it, but I can’t be like that. I understand how it feels too much to make another person feel like their feelings are invalid. Plus, this person probably had no clue that they even frustrated me this much since I didn’t bring it up to them because I didn’t feel like arguing with anyone. I mean, I already felt stupid enough at the time too and I didn’t want to add to the internal chaos that was going on inside of me at the time.
On A Good Note (Regarding My Book)…
I got an email from my publisher, Eliezer Tristan Publishing, a few days ago and they asked me if I would be interested in doing a Barnes & Noble event. I said, “Most definitely!” They asked me which one was close to me and about how many people I think might attend from my friends and family. I think it would be so amazing if I would be able to have my book available B&N and do an event! It’s not a definite yet, but I can dream, can’t I? ETP also sent me a few questions to answer for an interview for their blog! I will definitely be sharing that link once the interview is up!
My Book, My Bipolar Mind: You’re not alone, is also now available on the ETP website. If you haven’t gotten a copy yet, you can get one by Clicking Here! The link will redirect you to my book on the ETP site. Or, if you prefer, you can also get a copy from Amazon by Clicking Here!
Today, I also noticed that I got a wonderful 5-Star review on Amazon from a fellow author; Brittney D. Herz. I read Brittney’s book, You’re Going To Be Fine, a while back and it was simply amazing. I even did a review on it myself since it pertains to mental health. I recommend her book to anyone who has a child with a mental illness or even for anyone who wants to learn more about juvenile mental health. It is raw and honest, but it also shows that there is hope and that no parent should feel alone when they are caring for a child with a mental illness.
I would love to thank Britteny for taking the time out of her hectic schedule to read and review my book an Amazon. Every review is greatly appreciated, and seriously helps authors out. The more reviews a book gets on Amazon, they more they actually promote it and move it up in rank. At least from what I have been learning. I am still looking for people to review my book for me. If anyone is interested please contact me at ContactMyBipolarMind@gmail.com.
On Another Good Note…
I know I talk about my furbabies a lot, but pets really bring new meaning into my life, especially since I will never have a human child of my own. Jasper is my son, and I really don’t care if anyone finds that strange. But, I was so happy for Jasper today because he has been moving around a lot today. He even played with a new toy that his Grandma got him. And for the first time since he got hurt, he was able to climb to the top of my desk chair. It may not seem like much to be excited about, but with how he has been feeling and acting, this is definitely a milestone in his recovery.
Plus, when I got home today from my mom’s today, Jasper wasn’t hiding like he’s been doing. He was actually relaxing on the windowsill. Another milestone for him. This little guy is a fighter! Perhaps the vet could be wrong about him. I am praying that he makes a full recovery from his accident. Like I mentioned earlier, either way, he will be loved and cared for.