Photo by Reinaldo Kevin on Unsplash
After The Mania Ends…
I had a manic episode wash over me last Tuesday (1/15/19) and I feel like I am still coming down from it. I can go from being perfectly fine to on edge in a matter of seconds. I am almost out of Kratom and CBD oil, so I am stuck with just my Buspar which doesn’t always do the trick. I just took some, so I am praying that it helps this edginess. Maybe just 30 minutes ago, I had this happy post planned out, but being bipolar… you never know what you are going to get.
My last blog post about my dreams and goals for 2019 was written during this episode. I still want to do everything that I mentioned, but I know I just have to try to pace myself so I don’t burn out as quick. There are plenty of days left in 2019. I need to remind myself that I don’t have to try to do everything at once.
One thing I would like to announce is that I found a few awesome people who are going to be helping me create content for My Bipolar Mind. Right now, I would like to mention two of them; Nicole and Kristine @nativeproud91. Both are very amazing women who have come so far in their own mental health journey who have the same main goal in mind that I do; helping others. I would like to thank these two awesome women and I know that they will be able to help people by sharing their own stories and experiences.
Coming Out Of A Manic Episode…
I wanted to talk a little more about what it is like for me when I come out of a manic episode. Some episodes have less clean up, or damage control, than others. By this, I mean trying to figure out everything that I have done or said over the course of the manic episode. I tend to make promises that I find hard to keep by the time the episode is over. I will write like an f-ing maniac for days on end, then by the end of the episode, I find it ridiculously hard to write anything at all. That is where I am at right now – finding it hard to write.
I will have to sort through texts, social media messages, my call log, email, and everything else to try to figure out just what I have been up too because, for me, after the episode, everything seems like this massive blur and I can’t quite piece everything together.
It kind of reminds me of the damage control I had to do when I was actively drinking – just not as bad. I hate having to piece my life back together after any type of episode. The only thing that was different about the day my mania started was that I went under anesthesia to have a tooth surgically extracted. 🤷♀️ I am not saying that that was the cause of my mania because I honestly don’t know if that can affect anything. I just know it was the only thing that was really different for me. Not that an episode necessarily needs a reason or a trigger to rear its ugly head.
I still have to figure out exactly how to get myself organized after all of this.
When The Mania Ends…
When the mania ends, that means another episode – most likely a depressive episode – will soon emerge. It is the bipolar cycle; for me anyway. This is how it usually always goes for me:
The cycling is something that I never look forward to, although I do sometimes like the highs. I mean, who doesn’t like it when they are full of energy, right? I am just really hoping that I don’t crash too hard into a depressive episode. I haven’t had a really bad depressive episode in some time now. Thank heavens! I am by no means saying I want one, either. Maybe I will get lucky and skip depression and go to baseline instead. Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?
Right now, I am feeling a little bit less on edge but it is definitely still present and as annoying as ever. I know writing helps me to feel better, but sometimes it’s just not enough. However, my bestie is coming over when she gets out of work. Maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll finally post something after her very long hiatus! I will try to nudge her in this direction (@jazminegonzalez87)!
I kind of just want to crawl under a rock somewhere until this feeling fully fades away. For me, feeling on edge is accompanied with loads of agitation and hostility. I wish I could say that I am feeling 100% better, but that would be a lie.
Other than feeling like this, things seem to be going well enough for now. I hope things continue to go well.
Thanks for reading! Until next time…