Image by SimsalabimSabrina from Pixabay
I had an amazing day today and got to hang out with my bestie, Jazmine, and my god kids for a few hours today. I don’t get to see Jazmine and her kids that often anymore because she works full time and has 5 kids to look after. She’s like a busy ass super mom. I cherish the time we do get to spend together. We have been friends for like 22 years now. We met in middle school in science class in 6th grade. We started talking after she told me that she liked how I did my hair and we have been best friends ever since.
It’s been a very long time since I hung out at her house because of my crippling anxiety (and some drama that had happened a long time ago) that keeps me from going to other peoples houses. I even get anxiety when I go to my own mothers house and I used to live there for a few months. But today felt great and just like old times. I wasn’t even anxious while I was hanging out at her house today! That’s rare for me!
I feel so bad for her because she cleans, and cleans, and cleans and her kids are right behind her tearing everything up again. Especially her youngest since he started walking few months ago and gets into everything now. But he is like the cutest and smartest baby ever.
Jazmine said that her youngest usually freaks out and cries around people he doesn’t really know but he was never for like that with me. Every time I seen him, he was all smiles. And today he kept putting his arms up in the air for me to pick him up. When his mom was holding him the one time, he even reached out and wanted me to hold him instead and she said that’s so rare for him to do that. I am the first person he’s been fully comfortable with after only really fully seeing me for the first time. That felt great!
Jazmine thinks that because I was around her and talking a lot and even talking to the baby while she was pregnant that he remembers my voice and didn’t feel as scared. I wonder is that’s true? It’s nice to think about though.
Jazmine and I have had so many ups and downs throughout our friendship. There have been times when we weren’t talking to each other for whatever reason. But at the end of it all, we always find our way back to each other and would apologize to each other and move on.
We have been doing great with our friendship and haven’t even had a fight or argument in months. It’s insane how much we are alike and end up going through the same thing or something similar at the same exact time. We even have some of the same health concerns going on at the same time. It’s like we have this weird soul bond and the same string of bad luck.
Her boyfriend had to go to a wedding today and she felt bad for being stuck at home and having a ruined weekend for like the 5th week in a row so when she I asked me to come over I actually said yes. She ended up having a great to and it made me feel so happy that I was able to lift her spirts because she has so much going on in her life.
It’s crazy how Jazmine and I are the same yet very different at the same time. It’s so hard to explain. We have different views certain on things which can sometimes cause us to bump heads but we fight like sisters do. After 22 years, Jazmine is not just my best friend but she’s family to me.
We went through a really rough patch in our friendship last January (2020) because of something bad that went down (I am not going to get into details) and I was worried I was going to lose her in my life. Our friendship was severely put to the test and strained and we were limited places to hang out together. We would only go for rides to stores or to get coffee when we wanted to see each other but we wouldn’t go to each others houses anymore which really felt like it fucked everything up.
Things felt really tense and uneasy for awhile but I am ecstatic that things are starting to get back to normal. I was worried we would never have our normal friendship again. Everything we have been though together just proves that our friendship and love for each other is strong and real. Some of the shit we have been through would have permanently damaged a friendship that didn’t have a solid foundation.
This woman knows pretty much everything there is to know about me. She knows almost all of my darkest secrets and thoughts. She’s even literally saved my life a few times too. The one time I was chocking on a French fry and it got to the point where I could no longer breathe and she gave me the Heimlich maneuver and got the fry unstuck. I would have chocked to death without her help. She has also kept me from trying to commit suicide on some of my darkest days when I didn’t even have my family by my side.
I can remember my darkest day where I felt more mental anguish than I have ever felt in my life and it pushed me to want to kill myself to get the pain to stop because it felt like it was never going to go away. I had never been that low in my life. It was 3 am, I was alone in my living room hysterically crying while my boyfriend slept in the bedroom. It was Christmas night and my family wasn’t talking to me at the time and I was missing them horribly. I was newly sober and couldn’t turn to drugs or alcohol to numb me. I planned to kill myself and was determined to get it right this time and I text Jazmine at 3am and told her that I loved her because she was the only one I was going to say goodbye to.
I didn’t expect her to be awake because of the time but she was to my surprise and answered right back. She told me she had a bad Christmas too and that was enough distraction to start thinking about what I was about to do and then the “what ifs” kicked in and I couldn’t bring myself to push down on the razor anymore when just a few minutes ago I wasn’t myself and only could focus on making the pain stop because I had never felt mental pain to that extreme before.
If Jazmine hadn’t been awake that night I know in my heart that I would not be here today because of how strong my emotions were, I know I wouldn’t have stopped cutting myself until I got a vein. I was filled with determination that night and couldn’t find any other way out. I really never expected her to be awake. I was expecting her to see the text in the morning.
I told Jazmine what I had planned to do that night and she said she was thankful that she was still awake. It’s crazy how a simple text from my bestie brought some clarity into my mind at my darkest moment. To this day, I still have never felt as low as I did that night. The holiday blues really got me hard that year. I never want to experience that ever again. I do, however, anticipate the next time I will fell that low is when someone really close to me that I love and is a part of my regular life passes away. I don’t handle death and change well.
I love Jazmine and her family so much. I have known her kids since they were born and it’s so amazing to see them grow up and see how they have changed throughout the years. I don’t think I will ever have a child of my own so I have to live vicariously through Jazmine.
I still remember her 3 teenage kids as little kids and it’s so surreal when I look at pictures of when they were younger and see how much they have changed. I call her dad “Dad” and he has known me since I was like 12 or 13 and has seen me grow up with Jazmine. When I was supposed to be getting married, her dad was going to be the one to walk me down the aisle. And to be honest, he was around for me more than my own father or my shitty step dad.
It took losing a friend earlier this year that I met while I was trying my stint as a sober person and having that person basically ghost me after I made a comment that she didn’t like to start thinking about how I treat people. This girl claimed I was a best friend to her but she bailed on me so easily. I have been ghosted before or have had people come in and out of my life more times than I can even remember or count. After a while you start to wonder if something is wrong with you.
But losing this friend made me wonder if maybe I am a really mean and fucked up person sometimes that chases people away. I started trying to be more understanding and trying to see things from others points of view before I fully react to something.
I try not to get angry anymore when people say no to me because the person obviously has their reasons for saying no or that they can’t do something for me. Everyone is allowed to say no to things. But for some reason I don’t really like the word “no” that much and I would get annoyed when someone would tell me no but at least I am learning not to get mad and mean anymore when someone says no these days. I just let it go despite how much I wanted or needed something at the time. I am also trying really hard to not be as agrumentive with people as well.
I think losing this friend helped me learn that shit isn’t always about me and that not everything will go my way. It taught me that I have to be more respectful to others and understanding. It taught me how to be a better friend and I think that has honestly really helped get me and Jazmine’s relationship back on track.
By the time my boyfriend came to pick me up from Jazmine’s around 9:30pm tonight, I wasn’t ready to leave and end the fun yet. She walked me to the car and we ended up staying outside talking some more for about a good 20 minutes. She might come over to my house for the first time in a long time tomorrow for a little if she can get out.
I’m so glad my anxiety wasn’t weighing me down today and that I was able to enjoy the day with my bestie and god kids. These medical marijuana capsules work wonders for my anxiety but are so expensive. Hopefully, Jazmine and I have many more years of friendship and we can grow old together and chase each other around a nursing home in our wheelchairs in our dentures and wigs.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.