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Pure Frustration

Today has been a decent day because I got to spend some time with my best friend @jazminegonzalez87. She saved my ass and helped me with an article that was overdue and that I was stressing over big time. I also got to spend some time with my Godson. My article was almost 24 hours late. I don’t know what’s up with me lately. I can’t function right and I always feel like my brain is a fog which makes it hard to think and act like a normal human being.

I have also been feeling very frustrated, agitated, and annoyed. I’ve been snapping at Mike which is the last thing I want to do. I don’t know why I feel this way. It just makes me feel even more uncomfortable in my own skin, which always feels like its crawling. I am also so sick of the Lithium, it has made me gain so much freaking weight that it’s not even funny. It makes me want to take drastic measures to lose weight like I used to. I always feel hungry too, it just drives me nuts.

Mike thinks it’s like emotional eating, which is not a good thing. But I kind of notice that a bit. When I am really stressed, and finish a crying episode, I will want to eat something. I’ve never really been an emotional eater before. Whenever I was stressed food appalled me. I could go days without eating and feel perfectly okay. I hate this new me or whatever you would like to call it.

So, on a funnier note… the other day I was writing a post on my tablet and fell asleep on it and sometimes during the night it ended up underneath me and my butt hit the publish button. I was so embarrassed because there was like only three sentences on it. I’m like great, that just got sent to all of my followers lol. My butt now knows how to publish articles. 😀 So, for anyone that got the email… I (and my butt) apologize. However, my boyfriend seemed to think it was hilarious.

Jazmine is going to be so happy tomorrow (well, today since its almost 5 am) because her computer broke down, so I am getting her a laptop for an early Christmas present. Then tomorrow I am taking her oldest son clothes shopping as an early Christmas present as well (his clothes got into a fight with a hampster and the hampster won.) Then with my next check, I am buying Mike his Christmas gifts. Since I don’t have my mom and her other kids to buy gifts for this year, I figured I would do something really nice for the both of them.

Jazmine was one of the two people that were there for me and Mike and I broke up (the other girl stopped talking to me and told me to get my shit together.) Then Mike has been there for me since we got back together. At the moment, those two are constantly there for me right now, and I hope that they continue to be there for me.

I hate these agitated feelings that I keep getting. It gets so bad that I just want to kick a guy in the nuts or punch a girl in her tits. It’s like I am screaming internally and can’t figure out how to get rid of the agitation so then I just get really angry. It’s like a light switch, and I can switch from feeling okay to wanting to scream in a matter of seconds. I was just fine a few minutes and that switch just got flipped. I am even feeling too annoyed to go to bed.

I really hate being Bipolar sometimes. The only two things I like about it is the creativity and the manic highs when you feel like you are on top of the world. It’s been awhile since I had one of them. I wonder if there is a way yo bring mania on? Hmmm….

I should probably try to get some sleep because I have therapy today that I don’t want to miss that since I missed the last two or three sessions. Plus, maybe it would be good to get my feelings out. Although, I am not quite sure of what to talk about. I have to leave some things out because I don’t want them to try to send me anywhere. I am always period about that. I wonder if anyone else is that way?


Samantha View All

Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog

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