Well so much for sleep. I am too annoyed with myself right now. So, I weighed myself for the first time in a little while, and it’s worse than I thought. I knew I had put some weight on, but not as much as I have. I am completely disgusted with myself.
I know that some of the added weight is that my feet/legs have been swollen for about a week now with pitted edema. (when you press down on your skin and the indent stays there for a long time) and my feet have been turning purple (I’m a mess) and I know I need to make a doctor’s appointment because that is not normal. But still, I think that doesn’t amount to the total that I have gained. I seriously need to stop eating again. Because of the swelling in my legs, it hurts to just even walk right now. The more active I am, the more they swell.
How did I let my self go this bad? I wouldn’t blame Mike if he didn’t want to look at me anymore. I don’t wanna look at me. These voices in my head keep screaming at me about how much of a cow I am and that I’m just so disgusting. I need to something… like asap. This stupid fibromyalgia makes it hard to do a lot too. I really am a mess. I this seriously is just caused by the lithium, I am going to throw that shit out of the window. I have therapy today, and I don’t even want to leave the house because I don’t want anyone to see me. My anxiety skyrocketed. I know I should not get this upset over my weight, and I know that it could be so much worse (at least that is what I am trying to tell myself), but I cannot stop freaking out about it.
When I was younger like in my teens and my early 20’s, I struggled with food issues silently and didn’t tell anyone what I was doing, and no one even noticed because when I started losing weight everyone would tell me how good I was looking; but like most teens and young adult women, I hated how I looked and would either throw up my of meals or go days without eating. I got it under control myself when I started to puke up blood (not good). I’ve fallen back through some of those patterns here and there throughout the years, and it is so hard to try not to take that route again.
Maybe ones I figure out what is going on with my body I can just get another gym membership because I need it!
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.