Completely Heartbroken

Completely Heartbroken ūüíĒ


I’m drowning again, only this time I have a legitimate reason for being pulled under the water this time around. Sometime this morning when Mike, my boyfriend, wakes up he is going to be calling his dad to try to have him help find new living arrangements for himself. He’s leaving me. We didn’t even really have our normal full blown fight, it was very minor. He just wanted me to come to bed with him but I said no because I wasn’t ready to go to bed at the time. Next thing I know he’s saying he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and breaking up with me.¬† Continue reading

Anxiety & Insomnia: August 18, 2017 2:45am

So, I did end up getting paid. Babygaga is a legit company, however, I still have no cash in hand. I’m stuck waiting for PayPal to transfer it to my bank, and then floor my bank to release it to me. I’m a highly impatient person, and I’ve been workout real income since March so I really, really needed this money ASAP. I know I’ve waited this long, so what’s one more day. Logically, that makes so much sense, but I’m not always a logic person.

Continue reading

July 4th, 2017

firestick

July 4th, 2017


Introduction

Today has been pretty good for me while also marking my first 4th of July Sober. But I managed to make it through with of too much of an issue. I did not even get my a** to a meeting like I should have. Then again, I also did not get any sleep like I should¬†have… I have not been to bed yet and I tried everything I could think of, besides illegal¬†stuff and drugs and alcohol, to get me to sleep but to no avail. (So, I am hoping the Unisom¬†I took mixed with my Remeron will help me sleep tonight finally.)¬†

Babygaga.com & Ghostwriting

So, I got some amazing news that I am beyond excited about! That babygaga.com thing did turn out to be a smart move on my part. I got an email response today and they asked me to submit a few more topic ideas, so I did. Then I got a welcome e-mail and that said they were interested in having me join their team! I am on a 6 week trial period, which is understandable, and I would get $20 an article plus $0.40/1,000 views. That is way, way more than I am making now as I ghostwriter.

I emailed her back and thanked you graciously for the opportunity and said that I can’t wait to get started and to let me know where we go from here. As for my ghostwriting job, I may as well spill the beans now… I ghostwrite for someone on babygaga and make a hell of a lot less than they make per article. And while they have 3-4 days to complete their¬†articles for babygaga, they have only been giving me a one-day deadline. However, I have decided that I really don’t want to give the ghostwriting job fully, especially since I am only on a 6 week trial period. I mean, what if, for whatever reason, things don’t work out between me and babygaga and I¬†need something¬†to fall back on at least I will have the ghostwriting.

I emailed the lady that assigns me the articles and explained that I am starting a new job, and will let her know when I find out more, but that I doubt I will be able to take on more than 2-3 articles a week tops. Actually, 3 would even be pushing it. I would have to literally work 7 days a week even just doing the 2 articles a week. It will be worth it though, and I am so ecstatic to see what will come of this babygaga.com website content writer position.

I am hoping that my current position, the ghostwriting, will understand that I needed to take on more work, especially since they pay me so little. (I make like $6.88 an article at most.) I also hope that they don’t decide to hire me over this, especially¬†because I really do need the money and they are good with their¬†pay. Plus, I need them to leave positive feedback for me on my Upwork profile so more people will want to/consider hiring me in the future.

90 Days Clean (3 Months)  & 4th of July

I cannot believe it! Saturday, July 8th, will be my 90 days clean. Or, in-other-words, my 3 months clean. I am definitely going to a meeting Saturday to receive my 3 months sober coin. I cannot believe I have made it this far without using drugs or alcohol. Only God know, how many times I have had the urges or cravings to get drunk. More so, I like the feeling of being drunk and getting out of my own head, even if it’s just for an hour to a few hours.

I don’t miss: the hangovers, the vomiting, the extra calories (even though I have been making that up in food, the heartburn, the feeling like death or like I’m literally dying the next day, the not remembering what I did because I was drunk phases, the arguing with people and forgetting the arguments because I was drunk phases, the excessive thirty, the drunk dialing/texting/social mediaing phases, the suicidal phases, the self-injury phases, the freaking out for no reason phases, the not remember what I did the night before phases, the forgetting things at places phases, the all of the above and more phases.

I do miss: the feeling less awkward, feeling like I fit in, not giving a shit, not caring what people think about phase, the overly confident phase, the more outgoing phase, the language that only your twin could understanding, the general not caring phase, the general boost of self-confidence phase, room service just because I can. There is a requirements list.

The feeling of being drunk without the aftermath and stages of literacy would be really nice. I made it through almost the whole entire holiday without wanting to drink. That is probably because I have kept myself really busy with articles and other little things. Holidays seem to be getting easier to be around without getting sloshed. Then again, I wasn’t really around much alcohol either. If I were to be around alcohol or if it were readily available, that may have been a different story.

My Dad

I got a call from my dad that he’s in the hospital. I guess he has appendicitis. They are keeping him overnight, ¬†giving him IV antibiotics, and then checking in on him in the morning and deciding if he needs his appendix out, which he most likely does. I wish I could go visit him, but he lived down south and I am up north. So I am wishing him a speedy recovery and hoping that he gets better fast.¬†‚ô•

Articles & Topics

I am having severe #writersblock already and cannot figure out what to write for my next article. I am just glad that When Love Turns Toxic got published on vocal. If anyone has any suggestions for topic ideas relating to:

  • Mental Health
  • Addiction
  • Love, Relationships & Dating Advice
  • Other Medical Topics
  • Reviews
  • Pregnancy & Parenting
  • Family Issues
  • Eating Disorders
  • Insomnia & Other Sleep Disorders
  • Etc…

Please comment and give me some suggestions. My mind is running on empty and I cannot, for some reason, think of any new topics. That would be greatly appreciated. I have quite a few followers now, so I am sure someone HAS to have an idea on a topic for an article.


Have A Happy, Safe, & Sober

(To all you recoveree’s out there)

4th Of July

‚ąěSamantha‚ô•‚ąě

Ghostwriter Blue

 

dark_fog

Ghostwriter Blues


When I agreed to become a ghostwriter I didn’t realize that I would take it so hard once I started seeing another author take claim for all of my hard work. It’s that simple. The other day, I don’t know why, but I decided to search for the articles that I had written on the site I was writing for and there they were… right in front of me… word for word. Only, they were under someone else’s name. Of course, they were because I was a ghostwriter. A nobody. A legit nobody who would never have their name next to an article that they would actually get paid for.

It was like a stab right to the chest. It took my breath away and I just felt completely horrible. Every article I looked up had the same authors name too. She was really making out good with my writing. Then I started to get jealous and started to wonder if she ever wrote anything a day in her life? I went to another website I had written something for and sure enough, my article was there too with her name. I think maybe I would not have felt all that bad if it would have been for different people but it’s the same girl.  

I know that this is what ghostwriter’s do, okay? I get that. What I don’t get… Is why am I taking this so damn hard? This actually really hurts for some reason? I feel like I have worked so hard, so hard and for absolutely nothing. I’m working hard to make her look good. But damn I really need this right now. 

I may have already overreacted and done something that I may not be able to do damage control on by personally applying to one of those sites as a writer. And on the application where it asks, “How would you make a great contributor and can you should us an example of your work.” I may have replied by saying something of the sorts, “I am already a ghostwriter for a contributing author on this site. I have worked on XXXX article.” So I don’t know how and if this could affect anything. I could have screwed myself thanks to my bipolar mind. FML.

I have a few articles due, and one well overdue, but I just don’t have it in me. It’s like all the passion I had to write for said person is gone. I should just end my contact but I don’t necessarily want to do that either. I feel stuck. I want to end the contract because I want to be able to start to create my own content and get my own name out there, and creating content for this company is taking up a lot of my time. (I should be working on that overdue article, but I took time out of that to write this. I need some me time.) But on the other hand, I do want to continue to write for this company because I could still use the experience. Also, I could use the (minimal) paycheck right now.

I just feel torn and heartbroken. I wish someone could have told me that it was going to hurt this much seeing someone else take credit for my hard work. This way I could have at least tried to prepare myself, or my heart, so that it wouldn’t have been this painful or something. I don’t think there would have truly been a way to prepare me though because everyone is different, and every mind if different. It’s just not fair to me.

I feel useless and used. I feel like I will never amount to anything myself and that I am always a bouncing board for everyone else. I feel like maybe I don’t even actually have any talent, that I am the second rate, so that is why I have to settle for helping boost someone else. My mind is automatically jumping to all of these negative things that may or may not be true, but that feels true to me in the moment.

I wish someone could just tell me if what I am feeling is normal or not. Right now I just harboring a sh*t ton of resentment and I really don’t like it. I wish I could just go back to before I looked anything up and realized that my articles were… I don’t know. I knew what the hell my job was, so I don’t even know why this is upsetting me. I guess this is just a whole lot of jealousy. Maybe that’s what this is. Jealousy. But I am more than just jealous. I am legitly hurt. I really, really hate my bipolar mind sometimes. It just sucks.

-Samantha ‚ô•

 

Venting Session: June 29, 2017 @ 2:15am

 

Venting Sessions

When You’re Bipolar & Just Need To Vent

 

Venting Session: June 29, 2017 (2:15 am)


It had been brought up to be today that I am really not bipolar because apparently everyone is bipolar. Someone who has known me since I was a teenager, that I thought knew me pretty well, basically told me that I was making excuses and that there is unquestionably nothing wrong with me. 

This is NOT something that you should say to someone to who currently feeling pretty under the weather, doubting themselves, and generally feeling highly unstable mentally. I had confided in this person not too long ago that I had tried to kill myself and they said to basically knock that s**it off and that they would always be there to talk. 

I was under the impression that this person understood mental illness given the fact that they care for individuals with mental illnesses for a living, just like I had for so many years… probably way too many years. For me, it was like the crazy leading the crazy.

How can a person judge what is going on inside of another person’s head? Mental illness is not something that can be physically seen or heard. It is not a condition that can be monitored with one of the five senses, which is why mental health stigma is so high. At least, in my own opinions. People crave things they can physically see or feel. Whereas with mental illness, you have to go by what the person is verbally telling you.

I don’t get how you can know a person for so long, without actually knowing a single thing about them! This person is aware of all the psychiatric stays I have been through. My drug & alcohol history. Yet, they still think I am faking a mental illness?

Who would want to purposely want to deal with this s*it? To give up their job, their income, their car. To basically give up their freedom.

No. This person does not know me at all. When I tried to finally stand up for myself and ask them why the hell they would think something like that about me, and I tried to explain that there is a lot of information I have not disclosed about myself, but that I would be willing to talk about if they were interested. They actually asked me why I was bothering them? I wanted to slap this person so bad. Yeah, I can really talk to you anytime I need right?

Seriously? YOU contact ME, and then ask ME me why I was bothering YOU

You obviously have a long way to come with mental illness awareness and it’s sufferers. Why would anyone want to put themselves through the horrible and screwed up things that their own mind can create. I don’t choose to keep my mind this way. 

Thanks for letting me vent!

-Samantha ‚ô•

The Constant Cycles Of My Bipolar Mind

downing

The Constant Cycles Of My Bipolar Mind


By the time someone has told me how much they really like or dislike something, there is a good chance that I have already had 50 different emotions plays out within my head. My thoughts race beyond my control, making it is nearly impossible for my hands and mouth to keep up. It can make writing and speaking feel like something that I am unable to conquer at times, and to know this gets really difficult for my me, with because writing is a piece of who I am. It is what I love more than life itself. I find it difficult to find the words I am looking for because my mind and my hands are at constant odds with one another.

One minute I feel like I am drowning,¬†the next I may feel like I am on top of the world and nothing could ever bring me back down… until it does. Then whatever I am feeling at that moment, will hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden, I am falling again. This stuff is just not right.¬†

For a brief moment, I may see things so vibrantly colorful and filled with light, and then they disappear from me and turn bleak and listless. Everything with a bipolar person is at extreme opposites and at constant¬†war. It’s a struggle to even be able to make a simple decision. I hate love, yet I love life. How is that even possible?

Just the other day, I felt incredibly low until someone made one nice comment to me, here on my blog; all of a sudden I was radiating positivity. I felt light, I was helping others again. Then something happened, but I‚Äôm not even sure what, and depression started to suck me back down to its depths. Now, I feel lost and I don‚Äôt know why. How do you get lost, when you haven’t even been found?

I have been seriously thinking about posting bits and pieces of my articles on here since I found out that they have pretty much been slaughtering everything that I have written. Twisting my words until they are no longer my own. My personal thoughts and emotions have dissipated and the hard work, time, and dedication I have put into every single one of my articles have ceased to exist. 

I feel like I have been busting my ass for absolutely nothing. I feel like to total shitty writer, and like nothing I ever make could ever possibly make any sense to anyone. I guess I am just feeling slightly discouraged is all. #writersissues 

I feel like no matter how many steps I take forward, I am always falling too far behind. I lack motivation. I lack the necessary skills to make it in this demanding world. To be honest, I dropped out of high school in 10th grade, got my GED, bounced around from college to college because I could never figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to stick it out and graduate from Lincoln Technical Institute with a degree as a Medical Assistant because I thought the health care field was somewhere I should be working.

All I have ever wanted to do was write, and I suck at it. I have absolutely no grammar skills or abilities. My vocabulary is rather limited. What makes sense to me, makes decisively no sense to anyone else. I am uneducated. My typing speeds are something comparative to a toddler. I just cannot catch a break, and believe me, I could go on.

Okay, so yeah, maybe I am being a bit too daunting towards myself now, but like I mentioned earlier, I am just feeling really discouraged. And I mean, really discouraged.

This is what I am referring too by The Constant Cycles Of My Bipolar Mind  I can surge from feeling I am an the brink of depression, then feel like I am on the verge of mania, then flatline to the feelings of being baseline, and then do it all over all again.

It’s a daily battle living with this disorder and never knowing what to truly expect, or never knowing what versions of Samantha I am going to get. I once had a co-worker make a very public post about me on social¬†media. She said:

“If you are bipolar and you are going to try to kill yourself, what side of yourself are you trying to kill? Your sad self? Or your happy self?

I am not quite sure why, but that just popped into my head. But she posted that about me after I was admitted to a psychiatric ward, well before I was comfortable talking about and sharing my mental illness journey. What I would like to say to her today, is that thank you. Your arrogance made me more comfortable in talking about my mental illness in the long run. And to answer your question, it was both sides… I wanted to kill both sides because they were talking too loud..

 

Sea Isle City ’17: Day 6

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Sea Isle City 2017: Day 6 (Thursday)

For the first time since I have been on vacation, I did not isolate… at least fully. I spent some time working on my one article, even though my focus was horrific for some reason today. I just could not focus. My boyfriend and I talked about leaving and coming home today, but we ended up staying. Even though I am pretty homesick, I am glad we decided to stay in a way. I actually had a decent time today.

I am one of the most self-conscious people that I know, but I still put a bathing suit on. My boyfriend, Mike, and I went to grab some ice cream sometime in the afternoon and then walked to the beach. I was glad I talked myself into it. Summer if most definitely not my favorite season, but I love the sound of the ocean which makes it all worth it for me. I find it relaxing. I attempted to go in the water, but it was too cold for my liking.

We didn’t stay quite as long as I had planned on, but it was long enough for me. The group that we were with, were mainly all drinkers, so I was kind of like the odd man out. You never really pay attention to how much people actually drink until you’re the only one there not sipping on something. I just started to feel left out again… I just felt like I was maybe too young to be giving up drinking just yet since everyone else that was there was roughly my age and they all seemed to be doing just fine. I know I was just trying to justify it in my head and make excuses as to why I should be able to have a drink, and I get that now, but I can’t always stop the thoughts as they come.

I really am feeling pretty homesick though, and I miss my puppy like crazy. I think I have like separation anxiety from being away from my dog. I am just glad my mom was able to watch Max for me while I went on vacation. I don’t think I would have been able to trust anyone else with him. I know he is only a dog, and this is probably going to sound crazy, but Max is literally like a baby to me and I am so worried that when I leave here, he is not going to want to come to me, or even come back home. That maybe he is happier, and maybe even better off at my mom’s. I don’t think my thought process is normal. He is more than just a dog to me though. I was told I can’t have kids, so he¬†is a kid to me. I am one of those proud pet parents.

I wish I would have utilized my time here better. Went to the beach more, got more sun. Did¬†something. I don’t know. I feel like I wasted my entire time being so wrapped up in my writing and worrying about staying sober so much that I was unable to have fun. I did a few things here and there that may be classified as “fun” but not much. I isolated so much. However, I honestly do not think I would have been able to stay sober if I would have gone to all the dinner parties, and totally submerged myself in the whole socialization aspect like I have done every other year that I’ve come here. It’s definitely been a challenge for me.

I can’t help but wonder how long I am going to have to feel like this for. How long does the struggle sensation last? I don’t want to feel like I am battling something for the rest of my life. It’s bad enough that I have to battle mental illness until the day that I die, and now I have to do the recovering addict thing too? Forever? How long is forever? Will the temptations ever fully go away? I don’t know if I have it in me to fight this war forever because forever is a long time. I know…¬†one day at a time.¬†I can’t help but look at the full view of the picture at times though, but logically I also know that if I am looking at the bigger picture, I am missing a few of the closer details than. If that makes any sense.

I guess it’s just that sometimes the thought of the words “forever” or “never” scare me sometimes. I try not to use them or think about them. But they still randomly pop up inside of my head occasionally, no matter how hard I try to fight them off.

I miss the feeling of being able to get trashed, or high, and being able to just get out of my own head, even if it was just for a little while. That was usually the whole purpose as to why I would love to get so screwed up. I don’t know if that’s why people without mental illnesses drink or use, but I know that is why I used to use. It was basically like self-medicating. I hate being trapped inside my own head half the time. It isn’t the nicest place to be a majority of the time.

I have moments where I know I have made the right choice to get clean. Then I have the moments where I feel like I have made the worst mistake of my life because nothing is worth having to sit and deal with these emotional issues that sometimes arise. Then there are the mixed moments where I am totally undecided. I get mixed emotions about a lot of things in my life, but I guess that tends to happen a lot when you are bipolar.

Sometimes being stuck in my own head feels like I am being pulled under this giant, crushing, ocean wave, and I cannot breathe. It feels like I am suffocating, slowing drowning and getting pulled under over and over again. And every time I think I start to see the surface, another wave crashes over and I just get pulled further down, still suffocating, until my lungs ache¬†and burn without oxygen. It’s like you know you’re slowly dying, and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. You just stare and panic and everything goes blank. Being stuck in my head gets that severe at times; like it gets so overwhelming, my mind and everything races, I freak out until I ultimately have a panic attack, and then I just get so emotionally drained that I crash.

I am going to add some pictures from today below.

Samantha ♥

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Sea Isle City ’17: Day 5

Laptop_Notebook

Sea Isle City 2017: Day 5 (Wednesday)

I am absolutely mentally exhausted. On top of my normal 6 articles a week, I had to do an extra 2 more due to another writer having an emergency. These articles should have been so simple, but they were in a new format and style for me, so I had to learn something brand new and from scratch which took up a lot of time.

I feel like my entire vacation has been wasted. I tried to explain that I am on vacation to the girl that assigns the articles because originally they asked me to write anywhere from an extra 5 to 7 more articles within a 5-6 hour time span. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they weren’t my normal 2200+ word articles I am used to doing, but they were still time-consuming¬†either way.

If I would have been at home, in my own workspace, it would have been fine. But I feel like I am ruining my boyfriend’s vacation but I just have not been doing much of anything besides writing. He even told me today that he just wants to go home, and I can’t help but feel like it is partially my fault.

Writing is what keeps me sober though, and semi-sane, although it is starting to get a bit overwhelming right now, however, that is because I would actually like to get to the beach at least once while I am here. Isolating is starting to get to me a little. I know that I should probably socialize some, but I am not a very social creature anymore. Alcohol was what fueled my social interactions. Without it, I feel like I can’t really like a normal human being around people that I am not relatively¬†close to.

I would also like to add some more content to my blog, but I am pretty sure that is going to have to wait until I get back to my home state in a few days before I will be able to that.

I didn’t get a chance to post anything on here because my mind was pretty preoccupied. I had an article that was due, of course, and then there was a family¬†matter that kind of messed with my mental state a bit. It’s amazing what things can affect a person’s mental wellbeing and what doesn’t.

When I found out my aunt passed away, from alcohol nonetheless, I wasn’t really depressed, although I felt kind of bad and could only describe my emotional state with the word surreal. However, recently finding out that she had passed away weeks before we were even informed, well that… that affected me for some reason. I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, but it actually kind of upset me.

My mom and I were told Friday, June 17th, that she had died and now are finding out that she has actually been dead for almost a month now. It’s very sad that someone could be gone that long and no one even takes notice. I know I have mentioned it before, but just to clarify, we weren’t very close. Regardless, it’s still distressing. I wish I would have been able to get to know her better, but unfortunately, The Bottle Took Her, and I am sure she won’t be the last person in my family that the bottle will take.

What’s even sadder, is that besides my mom, her other siblings could seem to care less about her untimely demise as far as I am aware of. I know they didn’t get along, but that is, was, still their sister. I guess it is what it is, and how they see things is out of my control. My family is so divided that obviously, a relative could pass on, and no one would ever know, and to some, no one would even care.

I am the bipolar one of the family, I am supposedly the crazy one of the family, but yet apparently, I can still put differences aside and say that even though I wasn’t close with someone, a life lost is still a shame. Or maybe I am looking at this from the wrong perspective. Maybe¬†because I am the bipolar one of the family, that is why I can put my differences to the side. Either way, I can say that my aunt will be missed.

 

 

June 17, 2017 S.I.C., NJ

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I guess it’s safe to say I made it to my destination without much of an issue. I wish I could say I have been having the time of my life since I’ve gotten here, but that would be an outright lie. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed myself at times. But at other times, I’ve felt like I was crawling out of my skin.

There was wine and beer everywhere when I first arrived, and I couldn’t help but look at it like a long lost friend. Like, “Hey! Hey, you! Let me take a good look at ya!” I had to just walk away from it. I feel so weak and powerless over it. I mean, I know I am weak and powerless over it… step one, and all that happy horse crap… but I just mean, I feel like a little kid pining¬†after a toy they saw on TV that they just¬†have to have but will never actually get.

I can only imagine how much I am driving everyone else nuts with my persistent whining about having the urge to drink/use while I am out here because even I am getting on my own damn nerves already! I can’t tolerate myself, so I don’t see how anyone else is able to tolerate me either.

I feel like I should just shut up already and suffer in silence, but I know, and I mean I KNOW, that if I do that, I will most likely pick up a drink at some point during this week, and I will not be able to stop with just one. I at least know that much about myself.

I’m staying with my boyfriend’s family at a beach house they rented, and earlier this evening they had a party here and there was literally alcohol everywhere. I became highly antisocial and stayed in the one bedroom working on my current article.

Lucky for me, I had recently confided in my boyfriend’s dad that I am a recently recovering alcoholic and he was very understanding. I must admit, I was very surprised. Since we are staying at the house he rented, he said it would be fine to just eat and then leave before everyone got drunk, so that I would not have to be around that. I really appreciated that.

I knew being around a lot of people that were going to be consuming alcohol was going to be hard, but I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. I wonder if feeling like this is normal, or if I am overreacting? Is it this hard for people to stay sober while on vacation or just me? It makes me feel like I never want to leave my house again.

While the dinner party was going on, my boyfriend and I ended up slipping out after we had eaten and went to the Sea Isle City boardwalk and just walked around. It was pretty fun. I got to take a few pictures, but I was still really anxious. Being a recovering bipolar alcoholic completely sucks… there are just way too many emotions going on at all times.

Regardless of anything though, I am determined to try to have some fun this week. I just need to keep documenting my journey as a means of a coping mechanism for me. I want to be able to look back on this next year, still sober, and see that I was able to make it through.


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June 16, 2017 2:53am

anxiety


I should be excited right now since I leave for vacation Saturday morning, but the closer it gets the more anxious I start to feel. This is going to my first vacation sober. I don’t know how well I am going to be able to handle that, especially without a sponsor now. And what does every normal person do on vacation? They get wasted, right? I mean, that’s what I always did on vacation? That’s what everyone on my Facebook does on vacation? The same with my friend, my family, and most of the people that I am going to be with for the next week. I just want to fell like a normal human being again.

If I have to look on the bright side, I guess I can at least say that my boyfriend doesn’t drink or use and that I also know I have some amazing people that I can call if I need too. However, that still doesn’t stop or help, the anxiety that I am feeling now and will most likely feel at certain times when I see other people throwing back Tequila shots.

I am not at the point in my sobriety yet where I can even listen to people talk about getting drunk without me wanting to get in on the fun, let alone me being around people who are going to be drinking heavily right in front of me. I can start to feel the panic rise in me even just thinking about it.

Unless a person has dealt with addiction firsthand, they could never know what I am going through right now. Or why my thought process is the way it is, or even why I am making such a big deal about this. In order to understand the grip that addiction truly can have on a person, someone would have to witness it firsthand. Whether it be from struggling through it themselves or watching a loved one being brought down slowly.

Alcoholism and drug use¬†is more serious than this, but I heard an analogy similar to this and figured it was worth fixing it up a bit because people who aren’t addicts would be able to understand this more than anything else. They would at least be able to catch the gist of it:

Addiction is like being on a strict diet. You know you are medically not allowed to have sugar because it is bad for you, so you have to stay away from it. You do all the right things. You eat right, you go to the gym every day, and you stay away from those donuts because those donuts¬†have the sugar in them that will kill your diet. You do those same things day in and day out. One day, after being on your diet for a few months, you decide that one bite of a donut won’t hurt you. After all, you have been going to the gym every day and eating right every day. So you take that one bite. Next thing you know, the entire donut is gone, and you are on your way to Dunkin’ Donuts to buy yourself a dozen. All your hard work is gone and out the window all because you wanted a taste of something sweet.

That basically explains addiction and relapse in the simplest¬†way it can be put for people who normally just wouldn’t understand.

I hope that I will have enough will power in me to be able to make the right choices on this vacation because I honestly don’t feel like recounting my days. That feels like too much work to me. ūüėÄ