Normal people are asleep right now. But as for me… I’m up like, “Yeah, let’s get productive!” I guess this may be the start of a hypomanic/manic episode. In all honesty, I don’t mind it as long as the agitation that is sometimes associated with mania doesn’t show up. I’d choose mania over a depressive episode any day!
A majority of us only keep one journal and fill it with both negatives and positives. Not many of us even consider keeping more than one journal to write in. However, there may be some positive benefits in keeping two separate journals. One to document your lows, and one to write out when you are at baseline and feeling well.
Okay, so, I am not literally counting sheep until I fall asleep, but you get the gist.
It’s not often that I find myself waking up with energy while in a great mood. So, I figured I would switch it up and make a post while my depression is suppressed for this moment in time. I want to savor this moment and place it safely in my memory – hopefully in a place where I will remember it 😀 – so that when I am feeling down I can pull this memory out and know that sometimes things are okay.
My head has been completely crazy these past few days. Yes, I know my head is a mess most of the time anyway, but it just seems to have gotten worse. Lately, I feel like I am living in a fog. It doesn’t seem like this is my real life anymore. Money’s tight but other than that things are going well. My relationship is good, I am slowly getting back into writing, although, I do believe I took on more than I can actually handle at the moment. So, the question of the day is: Why do I still feel the way I do?
I want to start by apologizing for my absence from this blog. If you read my last few posts, I was stuck in a depressive episode. But like with everything else, the sun will shine after the rain. I still have gloomy moments but, for the most part, I have been feeling a lot better these past few days. A lot of that has to do with an exciting email that I received from an intern at a publishing company.
I’m okay right now. But who’s to say how I will feel by later on tonight, or even within the next hour. But I am okay right now, and that is all that matters to me. I have been preoccupied and so consumed with being in this bipolar low that I haven’t really had a moment where I have felt okay. I am trying to enjoy it while I can. I feel like I have a moment of clarity inside of my chaotic mind for some reason. Or maybe I am just having a bit of mania breakthrough the dark clouds which are a welcomed change to feeling so low all the time.
Journaling helps but sort through a lot in my head. But when that’s not enough, I sometimes tend to turn to blogging. Creating a post for my personal blog section sometimes helps get things out in a similar way of journaling but, to me, it sometimes feels like it does so much more. So here is what’s been bogging me down internally:
Behind this smile, I find that I am slowly losing myself again. Is it depression? Is it anger? I have no idea. I have gotten so good at hiding behind a broken smile that no one else can see me slipping away again. Some moments I am fine. Then others, I am not. I have been rapid cycling because I never know when my bipolar disorder is going to betray me again. I never know when it’s going to crash me all the way down to the bottom instead of partially.
I don’t feel like functioning today | So I’ll ignore all my calls | Until they fade away to my voicemail | Which I’ll never even bother to check anyway…
My birthday has come and gone. It was on Saturday, August 4th, and I turned 32 years old. #BirthdayDrama
But my blanket is too wrinkled
And something dark is beneath my bed,
I’m supposed to be getting dressed now
At least that’s what mommy said.
Most people who have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder typically don’t mind the upswings – the hypomania and mania. It’s the downswings – the bipolar depression – that can really get under a person’s skin.
I am somewhere on this bipolar rollercoaster ride, but I am not quite sure where. I think I may be stuck in the midst of a mixed episode. I have some symptoms of mania, yet some symptoms of depression at the same time. I will go from being highly productive and wanting to get things done to being the complete opposite. I am not exactly sure how I am feeling, and because of all the this, I am pretty sure this is a mixed episode.
I was able to catch the sunrise this morning. It was strikingly beautiful. I am color blind so this may not be an accurate description of the sky, but it looked almost golden to me. It was simply breathtaking.
I’m miserable right now and struggling with my sobriety in the most horrible way at this very moment in time.
7 Tips For Alleviating Negative Emotions.
Other than my sporadic episodes of social anxiety, today has been okay for me.
Letting My Negativity Run Rampant