Have you ever woke up and just felt like it was going to be a bad day?
My Barnes & Noble signing event went really well. I had so many loved ones come out to show some and love support, and I met some new really amazing people within my community as well.
There is no real way for me to perfectly explain how f-ing insane last night was for me, my bestie, Jazmine, my Goddaughter, Ally, and my boyfriend.
I had to give up on someone, we’ll call her Karen, for pretty much the first time in my life. Like completely give up, walk away, and wash my hands of her. I had to learn the hard way that I can’t help and save everyone. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved or isn’t ready to receive the help yet.
What goes up, must come down can easily define Bipolar Disorder. Meaning, after every high — or manic episode — a low is sure to follow.
I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I am in so much physical pain that sleep should come easy, but it’s not. Insomnia has its grungy hands all over me and it’s refusing to let go. It probably doesn’t help the situation any that I finally remembered to take my nighttime meds around 1:45-2am.
Just a quick note: To my surprise, I just recently learned that my book, My Bipolar Mind: You’re not alone, is now officially available at a local Barnes & Noble book store near me! I knew they sold it on their website, but not at the actual branch in Whitehall, PA! If you are from or are familiar with the area, it is at the one inside the Lehigh Valley Mall shopping center. This is so exciting!
So, random thought from last night… I was working on a blog post — that I never finished — and it was titled “3am Thoughts,” and I couldn’t figure out what time “late night” transitioned into “early morning” so I settled on just saying “3am.” I probably spent way too much time being consumed by this question than I should have. And I didn’t necessarily feel like resorting to using Google to solve yet another debate for me. If you think that this a strange thing to be consumed by, you would not want to know about the rest of the crap that gets stuck inside my head!
It is a little after 5 in the morning and I have been up for some time now. I went to bed around 9 pm and woke up at 2 am. Shortly after I finally fell back to sleep, I woke up around 3 am with a muscle cramp in my leg, also known as a “Charlie Horse.” Those are always fun, right? And I have been up ever since.
I want to wish everyone a Happy Easter! If you celebrate, I hope that you are able to spend some time with your loved ones. To those of you who are spending the holiday solo, that is okay too, but always remember that you are loved and that there is nothing wrong with being alone on the holidays. Spend the entire day doing the things that you love – choirs can wait until tomorrow.
The past couple of days, I have been feeling pretty good despite any obstacles and challenges that have been thrown my way. Yesterday, April 17th, was my grandmother’s birthday. She sadly passed away in 2012 and we were incredibly close. But instead of breaking down over it, because some wounds seem to fully disappear, I thought about how she would always say, “Are you my Sammy?” and I would always respond with, “Yep. Are you my Grammy?” And it made me smile. What I wouldn’t give to hear her say that to me one last time…
This post contains some things that may trigger certain people. I am issuing a trigger warning for self-harm and suicidal ideation. Please use caution when reading. If you feel you may be triggered by these things do not read past here. Thank you.
It is hard to really decipher how I am feeling. I’m up and down, high and low. If someone were to ask me how I was feeling, I would probably have to shrug my shoulders and then laugh and cry at the same time. I am trying to look at things from an optimistic viewpoint while feeling pessimistic and unsure about almost everything in life. I keep wondering if I am good enough… at anything.
I have been filled with an excessive amount of anxiety since about 11:30 am yesterday. Jasper had gotten his head caught in between two metal bars under our recliner while he was hiding from two of my Godson’s. Thank God my best friend, Jazmine, was here too because she ended up being the one to save my poor kitty’s life.
I love and adore my best friend, Jazmine. She did something that made me feel a little bit better. I cried almost 24 hours when Buddy tragically passed away. I was in such a haze and shock that I honestly don’t remember everything I wrote in my last post, So Heartbroken. I am still too heartbroken to go back and even try to read it. But my best friend showed up Friday night with a little – adorable – surprise for me.
Last night was horrible for me. I think I am still in shock and traumatized. My cat died last night. I heard a crash in the bathroom and happened to be right outside the door and when I looked in I seen my cat fall and snap his neck then fall over. I was the last thing Buddy seen before he died. I am so, so heartbroken right now. I have been crying since last night. I can’t even tell you what time it happened because when I saw what happened time stopped for me.
I apologize for not posting much lately. I have been keeping myself busy with writing for different sites and blogs. I also haven’t been blogging because I don’t really want to talk about how I feel right now. This feeling is completely new to me. I have never gotten to the point where I just don’t want to talk about what is really going on inside my head. I am going to try to open up a little, but it is giving me a lot of anxiety.