Happy (Belated) Thanksgiving I would like to wish everyone a very Happy (belated) Thanksgiving! I hope you all had a great day! I meant to blog yesterday, but I spent the entire day eating and binge-watching Netflix with my boyfriend. Thanksgiving turned out great for Mike and I. […]
It is currently a little after 8:30 in the morning and the bestie, Jazmine, and I have been hanging out all night and just talking about anything and everything under the sun. She was supposed to go to work today but instead is taking a much needed day off. It’s been a long time since we last stayed up all night together just talking. I wouldn’t have it any other way, though.
With all of this good news and excitement, I still don’t feel quite right. Something still feels off for me. I don’t know how to explain it for once. I should be thrilled; I don’t have to see the PA anymore, I’m starting a new medication, my best friend is happier than ever, I am now on the cover design part of my book. I just don’t get it. Everything is going so well. I guess mental illness is tricky like that.
What I am about to discuss may be a trigger for some people who have dealt with sexual assault or self-harm. Please read with caution. If anything upsets you, please stop reading.
It’s a gloomy, rainy Tuesday in November. The sky is completely gray, and I kind of like it that way. I am not a sunshine-loving person – most of the time. I woke up around 6:30 a.m. and was hoping to be able to catch the sunrise in order to get some beautiful pictures – even though I am not fond of the sun – but with the clouds so gray there was no sunlight shining through
Today is going to be a big day for me because I am meeting my cousin, Ashley, for the first time since she was a baby – over 20 years ago.
I am super excited because I received the final edits to my MS (manuscript) last night. Now, I guess it’s off to be formatted and will be done sometime early next week. I know I say this all the time, but this is such an amazing opportunity. My MS is coming together much faster than I anticipated!
Baseline I have been pretty much baseline the past few days. Not really elevated, but not really depressed either. I am just existing. I suppose baseline is considered to be stable. Although, with how chaotic my mind sometimes gets, I don’t necessarily feel like the most stable woman […]
If you are in recovery and are worried about attending a holiday party, I can offer you some advice and tips on how I got through it. I am not telling you that you are going to feel comfortable being around your drug of choice and that it is going to be all sunshine and cupcakes, but that doesn’t mean that you have to relapse either. I do not advise anyone in early recovery to put themselves in the same situation that I was in, either. If you don’t have to go to a party just yet, then don’t go. It is so much easier to sit at home and be sober than it is to be around everyone having fun with a drink in their hand.
Hopelessly Bipolar My Manic Madness only lasted about three days, but that doesn’t necessarily make it any less painful. At first, I loved the manic episode I was in. I had the typical euphoric feelings commonly associated with bipolar mania. However, after the first day, it started to […]
Current Mood: Mania Madness The past two days seem like a complete blur of manic chaos. I did not sleep last night and the night before I only slept for less than three hours. It is currently after midnight and I am still wide awake and full of […]
I have been up and going since yesterday afternoon with only about three hours of sleep last night. I was definitely on a bit of an upswing. I was so excited yesterday when I received my manuscript edits that it triggered a bit of hypomania. For me, just being overly excited can trigger it. I welcomed it with open arms until the agitation started to creep up to the surface. However, now, I can feel the crash starting to set in – already.
As it turns out, I have developed what is known as the “Lamictal Rash.” But instead of taking me off it like my regular psychiatrist would have done, the doctor that examined me decided to lower the dose back down to just a mere 25mg. Now, 25mg was not even close enough to a therapeutic level for me. So I honestly don’t see the point in taking something that will not benefit me, and that has also caused me to get the dreaded “rare” side effect.
I am on a complete rant right now! So please forgive me. I can’t help but wonder if it is only me, or if it is everyone who writes for this specific website.
I honestly feel terrible right now – physically and mentally. I am so congested and it even hurts to breathe. It feels like it was not too long ago I had the summer flu that went around my area. I am absolutely miserable which always tends to bring my mood down quite a bit. But who doesn’t feel miserable when they are sick, right? I just want to take my meds, lie down, and go to sleep for the night. However, I am eagerly waiting for the edits for my book to come through my email since tonight is supposed to be the night.
Last night when I went to bed, I just had this gut feeling that I was not going to be feeling well the following day. Sure enough, I was right. I woke up feeling sick as all hell. I am a massive drama queen when I get sick. Although, I am nowhere near as bad as when a man gets sick! Sorry, fellas, but it is so true. Most guys act like they are literally dying when they just get the common cold! I feel too awake to rest, but yet feeling slightly fatigued at the same time. I didn’t know you could really have one without the other.
I am so happy that my friend asked me to go to the Halls of Horror with her in Palmerton, PA. I had such a blast. I was worried about my heart rate for nothing because it had actually dropped to 65 bpm instead of rising like a normal person’s heart rate should when they are scared or anxiety fueled!
This was my first time at a haunted attraction. I much say that I highly recommend putting this place on your bucket list.
Right now, it is 53° outside, and I am loving every second of it. Fall is my favorite time of year! I also happen to love Halloween, even if I don’t get to go Trick-or-Treating anymore. I am so tempted to buy a Halloween costume, one with a mask, and try to go collect some free candy this year! Haha! I am only 5’4″ so I may be able to pull it off and say that I am a tall middle schooler! It just may work… Lol.
40 Odd Things About Me… Continue reading to see what they are.
If you have been following my blog for a while, some time ago I was having issues with my heart rate skyrocketing above 200. I even had to have a Holter monitor put on for 48-hours. They had detected that my heart rate dropped to 35 during strenuous physical activity, and then it had gone up to 189 or so during rest. This is normal. My cardiologist, at the time, said that it was a fluke and that it would never happen again. He was wrong. It has happened three times since, and two of those times happen within this past week.
Today had been a very long, hypomanic fueled day. I was very productive and got a lot accomplished. I was able to get half an article done for BG — I know half an article doesn’t sound like much, but I haven’t been writing a lot for them. So, half an article is amazing for me right now — I was also able to find 5 people to on the Lehigh Valley Mental Health Awareness Walk with me in May. I talked to countless people today because, well, being extra talkative can be a symptom of hypomania. I was pretty upbeat and kept myself busy with randomized tasks most of the day. But like always, a minor situation arose that spun me head first into an agitated bipolar state. (Continue Reading)
I am a bit disappointed to say that I did not make it to the National Suicide Prevention Foundation’s Annual Out Of The Darkness Walk. In part, it was not fully my fault. My boyfriend and I must’ve had some bad KFC yesterday because when we woke up this morning we both didn’t feel well.
Once again, I am surprised that I am still awake after taking some many different things that could probably knock an elephant out. Okay, so, maybe I am exaggerating, but you get the gist. I may try adding a little CBD oil to tonight’s medication regimen. It worked well to help me calm down earlier, so perhaps it could help me wind down for sleep as well tonight.
I guess WordPress is going to be having a new editor so I figured I would play with it and check it out. Plus, maybe writing a bit will make me feel better. I didn’t fall asleep until like 5:30 p.m. and I woke up around 11 a.m. I was in a pretty good mood to start and then part of my plans got canceled, I felt kind of bothered by social interactions, my stomach started to hurt, and the list just goes. I feel like just canceling the rest of my plans for today because I honestly don’t feel like socializing and being around others today.
Normal people are asleep right now. But as for me… I’m up like, “Yeah, let’s get productive!” I guess this may be the start of a hypomanic/manic episode. In all honesty, I don’t mind it as long as the agitation that is sometimes associated with mania doesn’t show up. I’d choose mania over a depressive episode any day!
Okay, so, I am not literally counting sheep until I fall asleep, but you get the gist.
It is about 12:30 am and I am slowly getting drowsy – most likely thanks to the 300mg of Trazodone that I take at night – but my mind is running a thousand miles a minute. I figured I would take this opportunity to blog a bit.
It’s not often that I find myself waking up with energy while in a great mood. So, I figured I would switch it up and make a post while my depression is suppressed for this moment in time. I want to savor this moment and place it safely in my memory – hopefully in a place where I will remember it 😀 – so that when I am feeling down I can pull this memory out and know that sometimes things are okay.
My head has been completely crazy these past few days. Yes, I know my head is a mess most of the time anyway, but it just seems to have gotten worse. Lately, I feel like I am living in a fog. It doesn’t seem like this is my real life anymore. Money’s tight but other than that things are going well. My relationship is good, I am slowly getting back into writing, although, I do believe I took on more than I can actually handle at the moment. So, the question of the day is: Why do I still feel the way I do?
I apologize, once again, for being MIA, but for some reason, I have not been able to write anything – no blog posts, no articles, not one damn thing – and it is driving me absolutely insane! I am a writer and a blogger so writing is what I do. I would also like to add that I am also going to be a published author in the near future!
I want to start by apologizing for my absence from this blog. If you read my last few posts, I was stuck in a depressive episode. But like with everything else, the sun will shine after the rain. I still have gloomy moments but, for the most part, I have been feeling a lot better these past few days. A lot of that has to do with an exciting email that I received from an intern at a publishing company.
I’m okay right now. But who’s to say how I will feel by later on tonight, or even within the next hour. But I am okay right now, and that is all that matters to me. I have been preoccupied and so consumed with being in this bipolar low that I haven’t really had a moment where I have felt okay. I am trying to enjoy it while I can. I feel like I have a moment of clarity inside of my chaotic mind for some reason. Or maybe I am just having a bit of mania breakthrough the dark clouds which are a welcomed change to feeling so low all the time.
Journaling helps but sort through a lot in my head. But when that’s not enough, I sometimes tend to turn to blogging. Creating a post for my personal blog section sometimes helps get things out in a similar way of journaling but, to me, it sometimes feels like it does so much more. So here is what’s been bogging me down internally:
Behind this smile, I find that I am slowly losing myself again. Is it depression? Is it anger? I have no idea. I have gotten so good at hiding behind a broken smile that no one else can see me slipping away again. Some moments I am fine. Then others, I am not. I have been rapid cycling because I never know when my bipolar disorder is going to betray me again. I never know when it’s going to crash me all the way down to the bottom instead of partially.
My birthday has come and gone. It was on Saturday, August 4th, and I turned 32 years old. #BirthdayDrama