Advertisements

Category: Samantha’s Personal Blog

Happy Thursday: April 18th, 2019

By on • ( 2 Comments )

The past couple of days, I have been feeling pretty good despite any obstacles and challenges that have been thrown my way. Yesterday, April 17th, was my grandmother’s birthday. She sadly passed away in 2012 and we were incredibly close. But instead of breaking down over it, because some wounds seem to fully disappear, I thought about how she would always say, “Are you my Sammy?” and I would always respond with, “Yep. Are you my Grammy?” And it made me smile. What I wouldn’t give to hear her say that to me one last time…

Advertisements

[TW] There Is Hope

By on • ( 1 Comment )

This post contains some things that may trigger certain people. I am issuing a trigger warning for self-harm and suicidal ideation. Please use caution when reading. If you feel you may be triggered by these things do not read past here. Thank you.

Trying To Be Optimistic While Feeling Pessimistic

By on • ( 2 Comments )

It is hard to really decipher how I am feeling. I’m up and down, high and low. If someone were to ask me how I was feeling, I would probably have to shrug my shoulders and then laugh and cry at the same time. I am trying to look at things from an optimistic viewpoint while feeling pessimistic and unsure about almost everything in life. I keep wondering if I am good enough… at anything.

Anxiety Fueled

By on • ( Leave a comment )

I have been filled with an excessive amount of anxiety since about 11:30 am yesterday. Jasper had gotten his head caught in between two metal bars under our recliner while he was hiding from two of my Godson’s. Thank God my best friend, Jazmine, was here too because she ended up being the one to save my poor kitty’s life.

Keeping Myself Entertained

By on • ( Leave a comment )

Keeping Myself Entertained It has been a very long week for me that has been filled with more lows than highs. Today marks one week since Buddy tragically passed away, and tomorrow makes it one week since Jasper came to live with us. I haven’t cried yet today, […]

Meet Jasper

By on • ( 6 Comments )

I love and adore my best friend, Jazmine. She did something that made me feel a little bit better. I cried almost 24 hours when Buddy tragically passed away. I was in such a haze and shock that I honestly don’t remember everything I wrote in my last post, So Heartbroken. I am still too heartbroken to go back and even try to read it. But my best friend showed up Friday night with a little – adorable – surprise for me.

So Heartbroken

By on • ( 6 Comments )

Last night was horrible for me. I think I am still in shock and traumatized. My cat died last night. I heard a crash in the bathroom and happened to be right outside the door and when I looked in I seen my cat fall and snap his neck then fall over. I was the last thing Buddy seen before he died. I am so, so heartbroken right now. I have been crying since last night. I can’t even tell you what time it happened because when I saw what happened time stopped for me.

Feeling A Little Crazy

By on • ( 3 Comments )

I apologize for not posting much lately. I have been keeping myself busy with writing for different sites and blogs. I also haven’t been blogging because I don’t really want to talk about how I feel right now. This feeling is completely new to me. I have never gotten to the point where I just don’t want to talk about what is really going on inside my head. I am going to try to open up a little, but it is giving me a lot of anxiety.

Before The Sun Rises

By on • ( 1 Comment )

Image Credit: Unsplash Before The Sun Rises At this very moment, it is almost 5 in the morning. I woke up about 30 minutes ago and haven’t been able to go back to sleep. I figured now is a great time to blog and post an update about […]

My Shifting Moods

By on • ( 1 Comment )

Today started off rocky. I was riddled with anxiety about having to leave the house to go to my Primary Care Physicians office. It was horrible. Lucky for me, I found some of my CBD oil and that took the edge off quite a bit.

A Waste of Space

By on • ( 6 Comments )

A Waste of Space I have not been feeling like myself since last night, and trying to find joy in anything today is challenging. I feel like a complete waste of space. I cannot afford to take care of myself right now, and I know others are getting […]

Up, Down & Everything In Between

By on • ( 2 Comments )

I have been meaning to blog for a little while now but every time I would create a post I would delete it. If I can remember correctly when I wrote my last personal post I was in a full-blown downswing. Since then, I have been a very agitated manic and then bounced around from up, down, to everything in between.

A Storm Is Brewing…

By on • ( Leave a comment )

A storm is brewing and a depressive episode is underway. I can feel it try to pull me under the surface as it surrounds me. I am trying to fight my way against it with everything that I have. I knew after the mania ended that I was headed in this direction. I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be so soon.

My Bipolar Mind: A Blessing in Disguise (Link)

By on • ( 2 Comments )

I wanted to share a link with you all to a guest post I did for the lovely Christy over at When Women Inspire. She was nice enough to invite me over to her site. The piece I did for her is called “My Bipolar Mind: A Blessing in Disguise.” Do you think it’s possible to be able to look at your own mental illness as a blessing in disguise?

Dreams & Goals For 2019

By on • ( 3 Comments )

I know that a few posts ago before the new year even hit, I had mentioned that I was not planning out any new year’s resolutions and that I was going to go into 2019 without any expectations. I had originally said that the only thing I wanted in 2019 was to be happy since 2018 really broke me down and drug me through the mud. (Continue Reading…)

In A Fog This Morning

By on • ( Leave a comment )

I can’t seem to get my brain to function right this morning. I feel like I am trapped inside a thick fog and can’t navigate my way around. Perhaps this has something to do with only getting two hours of sleep. I even took all my nighttime meds and was still unable to stay dreamland. (Continue Reading)

Still Up In The Clouds

By on • ( 2 Comments )

Today, so far, has been a good day. Part of me feels like my head is still up in the clouds. It could still be the rush from my book, My Bipolar Mind: You’re not alone, coming out, but I believe the reason I am also feeling so light-hearted has to do with the fact that my publisher decided to take on the new book I pitched to them. (Continue Reading…)

Feeling The Rush…

By on • ( 8 Comments )

Yesterday was an excellent day for me. I was and still am in a very good mood. Yet, part of me is worried that this feeling is going to crash at any minute and my depression will return. But I am trying to not think like that because I want to really enjoy this happy feeling. It is also slightly euphoric. I am not sure if it is getting ready to turn into a manic episode. Who knows, maybe it is already one! (Continue Reading…)

2018 Is Coming To An End…

By on • ( 7 Comments )

2018 is coming to an end and most people are planning out their New Year’s resolutions. After the chaotic year that I have had filled with so much loss and heartbreak, I am going into 2019 without many expectations. I am not going to say that this is the year that I will finally lose all this extra fluff that I carry around. I am not going to say that this is the year I get married (again). I am not even going to say that this is the year I hope they find a cure for bipolar disorder. (Continue reading…)

Too Good To Be True

By on • ( 4 Comments )

Too Good To Be True Chtistmas was really good for the first time in a while. I enjoyed the whole day, until about 10pm. My laptop had this blue screen pop up that had a “:(” on it and it said something ablout an error and that it […]

A Touch Of Hypomania To Spice Things Up

By on • ( 2 Comments )

From my last blog post just last night until sometime early this morning, I seem to have developed a touch of hypomania to add some variety to my life. I only got about an hour or so of broken sleep between 7:30 and 8:30 am. I was sure that after my ramblings last night I shouldn’t have much more to say, but I was wrong. From about 4 am until the time I went to sleep I just sat in bed and manically journaled until my hand started to cramp up. I had to force myself to stop writing in order to get the little bit of sleep that I did.

Late Night Thoughts: 1 Week Until Christmas

By on • ( 5 Comments )

I apologize for not blogging as much and for not creating “meaningful” posts like I used to. It’s temporary. Every now and again I will get severe writer’s block and will go days to weeks without writing anything at all. During these times, I seem to wander around aimlessly and not quite sure what to do with myself. I hope after writing a bit today (and writing this ridiculously long post) it will spark some more creativity inside my mind. I just need enough to finish the article I am working on for the time being.

Lately…

By on • ( 4 Comments )

My entire life I have been a people pleaser. I worry about everything I say or do. I worry about offending people. I worry about hurting others’ feelings while trampling over my own. Lately, I am sick of it. Lately, I have been saying how I feel or giving my honest opinion on situations when in the past I would tip-toe around everything out of fear or hurting others.

Always Overthinking & Venting Session

By on • ( Leave a comment )

I feel like it has been a long, exhausting day when I hardly did anything today but attended a doctor appointment, make phone calls, and went to Dunkin’ Donuts. I am still in tremendous amounts of pain, especially a few of my teeth that need dental work done. Both sides of my mouth hurt and I am in a great deal of pain during and after eating almost anything.

Still Feeling Off…

By on • ( 4 Comments )

I took my nighttime medications around 8:30 p.m. and thought that I would be asleep by now. I have journaled, read part of two different books, and played games on my tablet. While I am starting to feel a bit drowsy, it is not enough to be able to fall asleep. I intend to take an emergency sleep aid soon as it is almost midnight.