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It’s been quite some time since I last posted anything. A lot has happened and changed in my life. I am no longer in contact with my ex-boyfriend and it feels kind of freeing in a way but yet it still saddens me a bit at the same time. I am still working as HR for this company that has residential group homes for individuals with special needs. August 2nd (two days before my birthday) will mark one year that I have been at this company.
My job stresses me the fuck out. I don’t know a nice way to say it. It’s more so worrying about what type of mood my boss is gonna be in that day and what tasks is she gonna have for me to do. I got my final warning before termination a week ago. After that, I stopped caring about my job as much. I am sick and tired of trying to please my boss when she sets the bar so fucking high that I can’t even see it.
I never signed up to be HR for this company. I was hired as the administrative assistant and got thrown into the role of HR when I came for orientation. I have no prior experience as being HR so I am doing the best that I can. And my best isn’t good enough for my boss. So why should I even bother to keep trying? I get such bad anxiety every day before work because I never know what I am going to walk into. I have never had a job affect me this bad mentally before.
Since I am on my final warning I also can’t call out for a while. I have to have days off to look forward to when I am stuck working Monday through Friday. I look forward to my doctor appointments because that means that I either get to schedule a day off or only have to work half a day. I pretty much hate my job these days but I need the income and I need the benefits.
I applied to a few places but I obviously need to apply to more. I just hate that my boss never seems to see the work I do for her or even appreciate it. I’m done taking the blame for other people’s mistakes. It’s not fair to me. I’m sick of the bull shit and stress that I have to tolerate at this company. Don’t get me wrong, my boss has days where she is nice but I feel like she expects everything to be perfect like her program specialist.
Mentally, I have been feeling completely drained. On the weekends there is so much I want to do and get done or there is someone I am supposed to hang out with but all I end up doing is sleeping until the early evening hours and then maybe eating something and hanging out in my room all alone. By the time Saturday gets here I don’t feel like doing shit. I feel like I need to recover from the work week. But Saturdays are the only days I really feel free because I know I don’t have to go into work the next day so I don’t have to deal with that anxiety and stress. Sundays I start to get a sence of dread around 4pm because I know that the next day starts a whole new work week that I am expected to show up for.
I can’t be the only one that wants to shut down and sleep all weekend. Can I? Anyway, I reconnected with a guy I dated for a little while in high school recently. It’s been fun thinking about the good ol’ days. It just sometimes makes me miss my ex-boyfriend, Matt, that passed away last June. It’s officially been a year since I had to move back in with my family too.
I am finally getting some treatment for my chronic back pain. I am getting my nerve root endings in my faucet joints around L4-L5 and some other spots burned on July 19th. They are doing one side at a time.
Working this job, I get up at 7:30 am, get dressed at 8 am, leave for work at 8:20 am. Then I get to work by 9am, leave by 5pm, get home by 5:30 pm, and then between 7 and 8 pm I usually take my meds and get ready for bed. That’s my life Monday through Friday. I hate how old and boring I feel. But if I take my meds too late then It’s hard af fuck to wake up the next morning. And too late seems to be around 9 – 9:30 pm.
Thank Goodness I have my medical marjiuana card because I use it everyday after work to help me unwind. It’s gotten to be quite an expensive habit though, that’s for sure.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.