Late Night Thoughts: July 21, 2021

I know I already published one very long personal post earlier, but it is after midnight I still pretty awake so I figured I’d blog a bit more about whatever comes to mind. Although, I did just finally take my night time meds around 11:45 pm which is way later than I am used to taking them since moving back to my moms so hopefully they kick in before 1 am so I can still get an okay amount of sleep before my mom and her dogs get up in the morning.

Not too long after I published my last post, I got a surprising message from a family member, that I will keep anonymous for her privacy, and she told me she read my new blog post and explained that the reason she stopped inviting me out on hikes and to hang out was because the last time I went hiking with her, my ex grabbed her ass and made her really uncomfortable and because she doesn’t like confrontation and is very shy, she said she kept it to herself because she didn’t want to start a fight with me and my ex so instead she just stopped inviting me out.

All these months I though she hated me when that really wasn’t the case at all. It was because of my ex the entire time which I shouldn’t have been surprised but my ex had been incredibly inappropriate and disrespectful to this family member and I totally understand her not wanting to tell me what he did until now and I get that she handled the situation the best way she knew how. I told her she could have came to be because I wouldn’t have tolerated that behavior and would have said something to him about it. Then again, he probably would have flipped things around to either make me think it never happened or he would have gotten mad and took his anger out on me as well as my family member for telling me what he did.

My ex always used to get extremely angry and defensive and would usually start yelling or throwing shit when I would confront him about things I heard he did behind my back even when I had the evidence right in front of me as proof. He’d still sit there and try to lie to my face instead of owning up to his shit and what he did and he would try to make me seem like the crazy or messed up one.

As an example, he used to message his ex-girlfriend and I read the messages one night where he was telling her he loves her and always will and a bunch of other shit and when I confronted him about it he tried lying to me and saying that he doesn’t even talk to her anymore and he lost his shit when I told him I read the messages for myself because he was mad I invaded his privacy but if he would stop giving me reasons to doubt him I wouldn’t want or feel the need to snoop. He was just mad that he got caught in yet another lie. That happened to be the night he gave me a black eye and I accidentally cut the tendon in my right pinky which required surgery to fix.

When my family member admitted why she withdrew from me, I wanted to call my ex up right then and there and curse him out for doing something inappropriate to my family member and making her feel so uncomfortable that she would rather keep what happened a secret and quietly back away and for making me think that it was entirely my fault that this family member pushed me away. But I know calling him would do no good and that it would just lead to more hurt for me in the end. I had to learn when things are better left unsaid.

She wasn’t the only person in my life that felt uncomfortable around him either. Every single female friend and family member in my regular daily life has at least once confided in me and told me that my ex made them feel uncomfortable to the point where they just didn’t want to be around him at all anymore.

That should have been a major bright yellow neon warning sign that something was really wrong with him because of how he acts around and speaks to women. It would be one thing if he only made a few women I know feel uncomfortable, but to make almost all of them feel the same exact way is just saying something about his character.

He would stare at a females chests without even trying to hide it on a regular basis and over half the time he would make comments about how much he liked what he was looking at or he would say something dirty and inappropriate that would make the person feel uneasy and uncomfortable being around him. When I’d tell him that I hate when he talks about other women he would always say that it’s not better, just different like that was supposed to make me feel better.

And if anyone would get mad at him or tell him off for being inappropriate he would throw a major temper tantrum and become irate and get mad at me because he was confronted and he would start going on about how no one liked him and blame it all on me when he was the one who fucked up by saying and doing whatever he pleased.

It’s like why do the shit you do if you are going to have a bad reaction when people tell you that you crossed a boundary or line? If you aren’t going to filter your mouth and be more cautious about what you say, then you should get used to and prepare for people to tell you off when you say something completely offensive or inappropriate to them. You can’t get mad at the person for telling you how they feel and for saying that they won’t tolerate disrespectful behavior.

Hell, the first time my ex ever met me, he grabbed my boobs. I was like what the hell do you think you’re doing? I told my ex-husband what Mike did since we were still together at the time and Mike was technically his friend and not mine but my ex-husband was too scared of Mike to say anything to him about it. When I told Mike’s girlfriend at the time that he grabbed my boob, she was just like “That’s okay, that’s just Mike.” And I remember thinking what kind of woman would tolerate that kind of behavior from their partner until I sadly became the woman that let one too many things that Mike did just slip by without consequence just like his ex did.

I was constantly yelling at Mike for talking about how he would like to fuck this person or that person and for how he was always staring at others women’s breasts without shame but he would just laugh at me like I wasn’t being serious. That man gets away with so much shit in his life that it isn’t even funny because every time he is in real trouble his dad is always right there ready to bail him out of trouble by throwing money at the situation until it goes away.

My ex didn’t even care about speeding or driving crazy because every time he would get a ticket, he would just hand it to his dad and his dad would take care of it for him. Between my ex’s dad and I, my ex didn’t have to do shit for himself. He doesn’t even have to worry about making doctor appointments or about dealing with the pharmacy because either his dad or I would handle it for him. I felt like I was caring for a child most of the time instead of caring about an adult partner.

He would even throw his garbage on the floor despite having a trash can right next to his seat and he’d usually leave it there until I picked it up. Heaven forbid he had to clean up his own mess because then he would get mad and call me lazy and yell about how I never cleaned anything when in reality I was the only one who cleaned or who would wash the dishes. He would only sometimes get into rear moods where he would actually clean but then he would still talk down to me like I didn’t ever do shit around the house.

I would get so sick of cleaning up after a grown man that I would say fuck it and not clean anything for a week or two but then the mess would become too much and too overwhelming to look at so I would end up having to spend even more time cleaning since things would get so dirty from being on strike.

And trying to get myself in the mood to be able to clean up was always a challenge for me. More often than not, I would get overwhelming anxiety that sometimes led to panic attacks just looking at the mess and thinking about the things that I had to get done in the house and wondering where I should even begin to start when everything would be in disarray.

I know I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend in my last relationship and that dealing with my mental health issues can be draining and repetitive at times, but even when my ex would be calling me names and talking down to me like I was a piece of garbage I would still try to be mindful of what I said back to him in return because I can’t belittle others and bring them down the way he did to me. I care about whether or not I hurt another persons feelings unless they really, really pissed me off or betrayed me some how.

My ex lost a lot of weight and would think he was skinner than he actually was and after he lost the weight he become really conceded and worried more about his looks then and thought he was the best looking man ever and even though he would regularly make snide comments about my weight, I didn’t do the same thing back to him even though I wanted to some days. I never told him he was ugly or made fun of him because he was losing his hair on the back of his head. I never got mad at him and told him he had a small penis or anything even if would tell me that I was horrible in bed because he was in a bad mood from not being able to perform or get his rocks off during bedroom play time.

I know how it feels to be hurt by the things people say that are negative or just outright mean and rude, so I don’t want to purposely hurt someone else with my words and make them feel the way I have felt in the past. I’d rather feed a person compliments that make them feel good about themselves then say harsh and hurtful things to their face that would hurt them or make them feel less about themselves. I like building people up and making them feel good.

I wish I could find a partner that felt the same way I do and wouldn’t intentionally name call and put me down every time they get into a bad mood. I haven’t dated many people, if anyone at all, that hasn’t helped contribute to my low self-esteem and made me feel worse about myself. I don’t know what it feels like to be in a completely healthy relationship. I wonder if that is something that I will ever get to experience.

Most of my past relationships where more one-sided than anything. I feel like I always put so much time and energy into the relationship and trying to show the person I am with that I care about them and appreciate them while the person I am with puts in just enough work to keep me holding on. Am I not worth receiving the same kind of love and affection that I give to others?

Maybe I have to stop putting so much effort into relationships because I am usually the one who gets hurt the most when things come to an end. I have to stop putting my partners before myself in relationships. My happiness and wellbeing should matter to me more than my partners since I should be my number one priority but that’s not usually what happens.

I am a very co-dependent person and will let my partners emotions and feelings dictate how I am feeling as well. Like when my partner is in a bad mood, I usually get anxious and find myself in a bad mood as well. And when my partner is happy and content, then I am too. I have to learn how to make myself happy without needing someone else to help make me feel better all the time.

I don’t know if I am just an empath and super sensitive to others emotions and feed off of them or if I don’t know how to feel unless I know my partners current mood.

Even the way my best friend is feeling can influence the way I feel since I am very close to her. I hate that I can get so wrapped up in others emotions and that I tend to let the drama in a loved ones life affect me as if I was also a part of what’s going on in their life.

I tend to take other peoples problems and stressors make them my own instead of being able to always realize that just because someone I love is going through something tough that it doesn’t mean that I have to also take on the weight of their anxiety and worries and get myself all worked up over something that has absolutely nothing to do with me. I just care so strongly for my loved ones that when they are hurting, it makes me hurt too.

I have so many things that I need to start working on with myself so that I don’t keep bouncing from one bad relationship to the next and running back to the people that are detrimental to mental and/or physical health and wellbeing. I wish I could speed up the therapy process so that I could work on the things I want to change about myself all at once so that I could see faster results but I know it doesn’t work like that and that making major life changes to become more stable and happier takes a lot of time, work, and effort.

Above everything else, I need to work on learning to first like myself so that I can finally begin to love myself. But I don’t know where to start and during my therapy session we talk about a lot of different things and don’t usually always get to work on learning new ways for me to learn to be happy in my own skin. My therapist thinks that getting back to work and not having so much down time to overthink my entire life and every choice I have ever made should help me start to build some more confidence and self-esteem.

I took a break from writing this post for a little and so much for hoping to be asleep by 1 am because it is almost 5 am already. I am on the manic side tonight and my night time meds hardly even made me drowsy. My mom came down and seemed pretty pissed that I was still awake because we know she and the dogs get up early (lately, it’s been between 7 and 9am that they have been getting up in the morning) and that I get overly cranky when I don’t get enough sleep. She kept telling me to just go to bed.

But what my mom seems to be forgetting is that I can’t just snap myself out of a bipolar episode like flipping a light switch. Unless I use a lot of medical marijuana, I have to come out of the episode naturally when my mind and body say it’s time. The current time is 4:34 am, and I am going to give myself another half hour almost to try to wind down and then I am seriously going to have to try to force myself to go lay down even though I don’t want to since I feel wide awake so that I can maybe try to get a few hours of rest so my mental health isn’t as bad as it tends to gets with no sleep at all.

When I had my own apartment with my ex, I used to love when I would get manic because it meant that I actually had enough energy to do stuff like blog and write or even journal. Mania can sometimes be enjoyable unless it is accompanied by excessive irritability and agitation. But since moving back with my mom, manic episodes just aren’t fun anymore because I don’t have the opportunity to lay in a bed and recuperate after the manic episode comes to an end the next day if I was too manic to sleep the night before.

Even though I am manic, thinking about having to force myself to lay down to get some rest when I really don’t want to is triggering my anxiety and irritability. I feel like I am trying to force myself to do something insane or something that’s nearly impossible to do when in all reality going to lay down in bed shouldn’t feel this complicated and shouldn’t have to be this forced. But when I am in this type of mindset, having to force myself to do something I don’t want to is like trying to force a toddler to be still for a lengthy period of time when they are all hyped up after a nap and their favorite toys are in front of them.

I find myself always having to force myself to do things I don’t want to do while knowing that what I need to force myself to do is the best possible thing for me. I have talked to a lot of other people who have bipolar disorder who also find themselves trying to force themselves to do tasks that most people find simple such as showering, getting to bed at a decent time, and keeping up with housework and self-care.

Forcing yourself to do something that should be easy is like fighting with yourself internally while you’re anxiety starts to get more severe as your internal argument with yourself intensifies and time draws closer to running out of time to complete the task you have been desperately trying to check off your to-do list.

While my mom was yelling at me to go to bed when she came down stairs a few hours ago, I started to get really annoyed because I hate when people assume that it is easy for me to certain things such as force myself to go to sleep. But even if I lay down, I could just end up staring at the ceiling until the sun comes up and end up feeling even more agitated because I was unsuccessful at being able to get some sleep despite how long and hard I tried to get my eyes to close and my brain to shut down the racing thoughts. With me, just because I am laying down doesn’t always mean that I will actually be able to sleep.

I seriously felt like a preteen that was caught staying up too late to watch TV when I know I have school the next morning while my mom was yelling at me to lay down. My ex used to do the same thing when I would be up at crazy hours during the middle of the night and he would yell at me like I was doing something wrong just because I couldn’t get myself to go to sleep. Yet when other “normal” people can’t always fall asleep, it’s okay.

But getting angry or annoyed with me isn’t going to help the situation. If anything, it has the likelihood of escalating things which could cause me to snap or flip out because I feel like I am being attacked. No one really bothers to try to find out the root cause of why I can’t get myself to sleep, instead I just get labeled as being difficult.

I used to have 3-4 nights a week just like this where I was unable to sleep for whatever reason. Now, it’s only a few times a month that it happens but I feel like that’s not good enough for anyone because it still happens from time to time.

So, this turned out to be a pretty long post too. It is now 5:34 am, and I am finally going to shut my laptop down and lay in bed staring at the ceiling hoping that sleep will somehow find me. My mom and the dogs could honestly get up anytime between now and 9 am. I am hoping for 9, but doubt it since those days are rare. Thank you for reading this long venting session! If you have also been up all night for whatever reason, I feel for you. You are not alone!