I was finally able to force myself to try to lay down and rest around 6 am, shortly after my I published my last personal post, but no matter how hard I tried I could not get my eyes to stay closed or my mind to shut down enough to get any rest. I laid on my moms pull out sofa from 6 to 9 am just playing on my phone and once my mom and the dogs got up I gave up trying to rest and just folded the sofa back up for the day.
My body is physically exhausted but my mind is still going a mile a minute from the mania. I am definitely starting to come down from the manic high but it’s being replaced with some irritability and agitation that I am trying to keep buried deep down inside because I don’t want to take how I am feeling out on my loved ones.
I say this all the time but, for me, coming down from mania feels worse than coming down from cocaine. At least when you’re coming down from coke, you know your are solely to blame for how miserable you’re feeling but with a bipolar manic episode there was no choosing involved because mania is just something that happens to people who have bipolar disorder and there’s no controlling it.
Earlier today, I got into an argument with this girl that I had gone on a date with last weekend (and the date turned out bad since I didn’t feel any type of connection with her and she’d sometimes just stare at me like I had three heads when I would try having a conversation with her) and I realized there was no point in even trying to be her friend because she isn’t a talker like I am and I was getting frustrated with her because I was trying to have a deep and real conversation with this woman but she kept saying she was done talking and I was trying to understand better why she hardly talked to me after the date but yet told me that she was head over heals for me and that she felt like she loved me already which is just insane because we only talked for like a week. It was my first date with a woman in a very long time and it flopped horribly.
Then my ex-boyfriend called me to check on me and see how I was doing. I took his call and we were pleasant with each other. I told him about the dates I went on, and he told me finally got laid. It’s strange though, I always thought I would feel horribly hurt and even more heartbroken if I were to find out he finally slept with someone else but that wasn’t the case. It was strange, that’s for sure. But it didn’t really hurt me like I had anticipated. I told him about the guy I went on a date with the other day and told him that I like this guy and that I am supposed to be spending the night with him Saturday.
My ex asked about seeing me and I told him that I am not going to be able to see him in person for quite some time since I am still heartbroken over him and seeing him would hurt too much. We somehow got to talking about our relationship and I told him I can’t go back to him because my family would disown me again and he said he can’t come back to me either because his family would do the same or cut him out of the will out something like that.
I told him he was the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to me and he just said that he knows. I told him that I know I could never be the woman he wanted me to be even though he did “train me” as he says, to be his personal slave and to what he likes and that I know he isn’t capable of changing and will always have his violent rage outbursts because that’s just who he is.
He told me that he completely shut himself down emotionally to everyone else so that he’s bullet proof and don’t have to worry about getting attached or hurt. Maybe he’s actually hurting more than he lets on but that is something he’ll never admit to. He always says he’s doing fine or okay. If I didn’t know him so well, I would think that he never really cared about me or loved me at all because he always says he’s doing so well but I know he isn’t the type to get emotional and let his feelings be known.
I think we both came to terms with the fact that we could never be together again. We both know we are no good together because we tried to make it work over and over again and neither of us want to risk jeopardizing our relationships with our family. I feel like after talking to Mike today, I feel a little bit more at ease and like I finally found the closure I had been craving. I am still brokenhearted and hurting and that is to be expected, but maybe now I can finally start to heal and move on. I am hoping that I can close out that chapter of my life and start on the next one and hopefully this time, there won’t be so much trauma, pain, and hurt.
After talking to him today, I also made the decision to let go of most to all of the anger that I was feeling toward him after the way we broke up because there’s no point on staying angry since I can’t change what’s already been done in my life. I can only move forward and learn from my past experiences so I don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again like I have been known to do in the past.
I am sick of living the way I had been for far too many years now. One bad relationship after another. There wasn’t anything really stable in my life including myself. It’s time to make changes if I really want things to get better and to be able to make progress with starting my life over from scratch.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.