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My Insomniac Thoughts of The Night (Or Early Morning Depending On Who You Ask)

It is almost 5:30 in the morning and in just about 3 hours, my mom will be calling me to let me know if she is definitely picking me up this morning to take me to do some running around while my boyfriend is at work. I didn’t plan on not getting any sleep tonight, but I was (and maybe still am) a bit manic and when I get manic my night meds don’t always seem to put me to sleep like they usually do every other night.

To my surprise, this is the second night within the past 7 days that I have been unable to sleep. But at least last time, I didn’t have to be up early to do anything. And my mom is possibly driving me around today as a kind favor so that I can get everything I need done early in the day so that by the time my boyfriend gets home, he can just relax instead of having to go back out and drive me around.

Sometimes I hate not having my own car, but when I really think about the hassle and financial responsibilities of owning my own car again I always end up deciding that it’s not worth the hassle. Especially since I am no longer comfortable driving on highways or overly crowded streets like they have in Center City in my hometown, it would feel like a waste to get a car that I am too damn scared to drive alone anyway.

Tonight, I started thinking about second chances and how most people deserve them unless they did something horribly unthinkable or cruel to another human being or other living creature. I tend to give people more chances than they should honestly have, but I don’t like to give up on people when I think about how many second, third, or forth chances some of the people in my life have given me throughout the years.

I might not have gotten things right with someone the first or second time around, but I ultimately figure it out and realize that maybe my words or actions toward a specific person weren’t the nicest and I try to start treating the person the same way I would want them to treat me.

If it takes me more than two chances sometimes before I get it right, couldn’t other people be the same way and you’d never even know if the person was capable of changing unless you give them the opportunity to prove themselves. I want to believe in the best in the people that I allow in my life. Even if no one else but me is able to see the sweet side someone might be hiding away from the rest world, at least I know it’s there and that I am able to see the persons kindness on a regular basis.

Sometimes taking a chance on someone who wronged you in the past can work out wonderfully and you can move on with your life. Other times, some people will ruin every single chance you give them. I decided to give my former therapist a second chance and it turned out so much better than I ever anticipated. On the other hand, I have had friends who I gave second chances to after a falling out and I just ended up getting burned all over again in the end.

It can be so hard to gauge the people who you should give another chance to because you never really know who actually wants you in their life and values you and who only wants you around because of something they need or want from you or who only wants you around when it’s convenient for them.

There are people who I cared about or loved who are no longer alive that should have been given another chance at life because their light was snuffed out far to soon but they will never get another chance to do things differently or to tie up lose ends. And I will never have the chance or opportunity to tell them how much their presence brightened my life and how much I loved and cared for them.

You never know what your last words to a loved one or cherished friend will be, so it’s better to not get hung up on anger and hate, even when your upset, and to just let the person know that despite the fact that you might be angry at them right now, that you still love them very much. I’d give anything to hear my Grammy say, “Are you my Sammy?” Just so that I could reply back with, “Yeah, are my Grammy?” And then I would tell her how much I love her.

I have a hard time figuring out when I shouldn’t give people another chance because of the whole wanting to believe the best in people and because of all the times I had to ask for forgiveness and another chance to make things right with someone in my life. If even say like, my own mother wouldn’t have given me chance after chance I wouldn’t be as close to her as I am these days and I also wouldn’t have my siblings back in my life. But when is enough, enough?

Every single person I have ever been in long-term relationships with has gotten more chances to make things right with me than anyone else in my life. I guess you eventually get to the point where if someone has hurt you enough and ruined you life in ways you can no longer fix, you finally get fed up of letting the same person drag you down over and over again and you get sick of giving that person the opportunity to make your life miserable every chance they get.

One person in particular who used to be a part of my life comes to mind when I think about giving chance after chance just to be let down even more every single time you tried to give them the benefit for the doubt. That person is my ex-husband. Believe me when I say that the wrong ex of mine died recently. There are two people in my life I will never be able to forgive and will never give another chance to again and that is my ex-husband and my step dad. Those two boys, because they have never acted like real men, are lost causes.

Both these guys each ruined my life in different and yet similar ways. I wish I would have learned my lesson about giving my ex-husband chances years before I finally stop caring and said never again.

He took away my chances of creating my own family and ever being able to have a child of my own while he was still able to have a daughter and that was like a major slap in the face. He took away the only thing that ever mattered to me in this life because I wanted to be a mom more than anything in this world. I wish I could give my mom her first grandbaby, but the best I can do is have my mom be the grandma to a few furbabies but I know it’s not the same.

My step dad ruined my life by traumatizing me and my whole family for over 30 years in countless ways with his hardcore addictions and abuse any way he could dish it out.

After being burned horribly because of how I continue to give people chances over the years, you would think that I would have learned to be more cautious about who I give second chances to. But I feel like I just never learn because my whole life I have had bad things happen to me more than once (even when most people might only go through the same thing as me but just once in their lifetime) to the point where it feels like some sections of my life have been placed on repeat.

I keep putting myself in the same situations over and over again hoping that the person I am dating or the person who I am close to has finally got their shit together and changed for the better. Isn’t there something to say about the definition of insanity here? When you keep doing the same things over and over again expecting real change when you don’t bother to try to do things differently than you ever did before…

I used to be in recovery and in AA, so I seen firsthand that people can change for the better even if it took them years to get where they are now. I know people can change, but I also know that they have to want to change before anything can happen.

The problem with so many people is that they will tell you they have changed until they are blue in the face, they will act like a whole new person when they are around you, and they may even appear so much happier than ever before, but after a few weeks or months of the “I have changed” act, they give up the façade and go back to acting like the complete asshat that they always were while you are stuck wondering how you fell for yet another act from the same damn person for what feels like the hundredth time.

I am not the type of person who has an endless list of friends to call. I tend to keep a very small circle, so the people who are in my life that I care about the most, I will tend to give chance after chance no matter how much the person hurt me or screwed me over because I don’t want to lose them in my life for whatever reason.

I have been stabbed in the back by some of the same people over and over again, and usually after a brief period of not talking to the person for a while, I will welcome them back in my life with open arms and give them another chance like nothing ever happened even if on the inside I am still hurting or feel some type of resentment toward the person, I will just try to stuff down the doubts so the person in question isn’t even aware that I still feel some type of way. Would that qualify as putting other peoples happiness before my own?

This one girl I used to be good friends with did something that really upset me and after some time, I let this girl back in my life. I thought I had a solid friend in her that would always be there for me. But the moment I tell her I am unhappy with something she did, she bails and ghosts me for a few months.

Now she has contacted me again out of the blue because she wants to return something of mine and she wants to read me an amends letter. The whole situation was confusing for me and I don’t even fully know what I did besides tell her I was disappointed in her, but despite how I feel inside I am willing to give her the opportunity to read her amends to me and see what she has to say.

I have to start learning where to draw the line when giving people extra chances without feeling guilty when I walk away from someone. Because of my own mental health complications and issues, my mind will lie to me and me feel like I am not this good person that I try to be and it will tell me that I am the worst person in the world who isn’t deserving of love. My anxiety and other disorders constantly feed me lies that are hard for me not to believe when it’s telling me something negative or bad about myself on repeat.

Over the past few months, after reconnecting with a good friend after a blow out we had, I started to try to be more mindful about how I treat other people which can get challenging when I am not doing well mentally since my emotions tend to get the best of me and take control of the wheel. I have been trying to not be as snippy and cranky with my loved ones when I am feeling irritable because I know it’s not their fault that I am agitated. But that also proves to be quite the challenge. I just want to treat people with respect, kindness, and compassion just as I would want others to treat me with.

On the instances where my mood and emotions take over and I get mean or rude with someone I love and care about, I always end up feeling horrible for snapping at them and then the guilt will take over and I’ll try to apologize. The person can forgive me right away, but I will still be hard on myself for not being in control of my feelings for up to a few days after the event happened.

I don’t like when I get snippy with my family and friends but sometimes I feel like shit just comes out of my mouth before I can stop it and before I am even aware of what I’ve said I sometimes hurt those that mean the most to me with misdirected words. What many people don’t understand about me is that I am always so much harder on myself than anyone else could ever be.

So, it is now just after 7:30 am and I am just realizing that I went on a two hour rant about second chances and other related nonsense. If you read this whole thing, I really appreciate it! My mom just called to tell me that she is going to be picking me up in about two hours.

The one thing that really sucks about the days I don’t sleep, is by the morning I usually get really anxious and irritable. I am going to try my hardest to not let the lack of sleep bad mood show through. One of the places my mom is taking me is to the dispensary, so hopefully after I take a thc capsule for the first time in well over a week my mood wont be as bothersome and I can try to finally take a nap.

Have a good morning, everyone!

Samantha View All

Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.

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