The Struggle is Real: My Life & Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

[Trigger Warning: Some of the content in this post contains sensitive topics that has the potential to be triggering to some people. Especially those who are triggered by topics regarding abuse. Please read with caution if you are easily triggered.]

This is a topic I don’t necessarily like to talk about as it’s difficult to talk about much less then writing about it. So a bit of a backstory before I jump into it. I was diagnosed back in 2014 with Borderline Personality Disorder.

So back when I was a child I went through watching my dad (John)  beat on my mom (Bonnie) as well as being verbally abused. I remember when I was 5yrs old dragging my brother by his diaper to get him to a safe place because mom and dad were fighting my brother (Travis) was 2 and not fully potty trained yet. My father drank everyday and it wasn’t just a few here and there but he would drink till he passed out. He told my mom several times that he would not allow her to leave and take us with her and that if she tried to leave it would only get worse for her and my brother and I. So because she was threatened so much about the abuse getting worse and him laying his hands on us that she stayed with him and is still with him. So once my dad found out he was diabetic he stopped drinking due to not being able to keep his levels controlled and it got a bit better.

We continued to live in the trailer park and our parents tried to make us look like a “Happy Family” to others even though we knew better. It got to the point the only time I was able to see or talk to my Nana (Marie) was when I was at school, I would go to the office and ask the principal if i was able to call my nana and talk to her as I couldn’t do it when I was at home it was like that for over 4yrs. No calling her, No seeing her, No having sleepovers, No nothing. Mom would try her best to collaborate grocery shopping with Nana just so my brother and I could see her. But we had to promise mom that we would not ever let dad know what we did and to this day he still doesn’t know and he never will till the day we bury him.

When we finally got the permission to see Nana it was such a relief that we didn’t have to sneak around anymore and life kinda went back to normal, we got to have sleepovers at her house and it was amazing. Every weekend I would go over there and help her and my Papa (Gary) get stuff done around the house as papa was a OTR ( Over the Road)  truck driver so she was alone all week long. I loved going with her to deliver the avon orders and see her friends who were more like family than friends as she had known them since the day I was born. So let’s skip a few years and I’m in middle school and stuff would get better for a few months and then it would be back to wearing turtle necks and long sleeve shirts and forging notes to get out of gym class due to the bruises all over my body as my dad started to abuse me. I would have handprint bruises all over my body and he wouldn’t just use his hands to beat me but he would use anything he could reach in the specific room we were in when he got the urge to attack me, he stopped beating my mom cuz I started standing up for her and doing what I could to get his attention off of her and on to me.

Eventually he stopped attacking mom and just attacked me which I hated but at least I knew mom would be safe and she wouldn’t have to hide the marks while at work, and that the emotional, and mental abuse wounds would start to heal as long as he couldn’t get his hands on her. I didn’t care what happened to me as my dad kept telling me he wished I would of died when I was born cuz I costed them far to much money and stress due to being 3 pounds 13 ounces when i was born and had to stay in the hospital for 6 months while they got me to a healthy weight and found a heart monitor that would work with me and was portable so I could come home. After hearing that for so long you wish you would be dead. But unfortunately that is just the beginning of the abuse I endured in my life.

We are gonna jump ahead a year to where I started dating my childhood friend in 7th grade named Sean. We lived in the same trailer park, we grew up together, went to the same schools, rode the same bus to and from middle school. When we started dating it was the best thing in the world. I had someone who knew a lot about me and it wasn’t awkward. But after the first quarter of that year my parents bought a house across town and I had to change schools. I was devastated, I wasn’t even able to say goodbye to him on the last day of school due to getting a message relayed to me from the principal that I was to stay after school and clean out my locker and return my books to all my teachers. When I got picked up from school by my mom she told me that we would be going to pick Travis up from school and when we got home we were gonna help pack up the last few things and get them loaded up into the trucks so we could take them to the new house.

My brother and I never knew we were gonna be moving. They hid it from us the whole time, they were looking for a new place and didn’t make it seem like anything was gonna change. So when we moved into the new house that dreaded Halloween night I was a mix of emotions, I was angry, sad, happy, and scared. For the first week in the house, I didn’t have to go to school because my old school didn’t send over all of my records so I had to unpack the house all week while I was alone. I didn’t know anyone on that side of town and I felt so alone.

So when I finally got back to going to school I hated it and wished I didn’t have to go. I was a shy new kid and I got to know a horrible crowd of friends who got me hooked on smoking cigarettes, weed, and drinking. It was the worst decision I made as I knew it was wrong to do those things but I did it anyway cuz I just wanted to fit in with someone and not feel super alone. We became good friends and we all met up to walk to school together, hung out at lunch and after school. The friendship continued for a few years and when we got to high school, everything seemed to get worse.

And by worse I mean we were meeting up before school and discussing what we were gonna do after the first 3 or 4 classes when we all went to lunch and whether we were gonna go back to school or skip school and get high and drunk and where we were gonna do this. Plus now we made friends with the kids who were older than us so they could buy our cigarettes for us rather than some of our friends stealing packs from their parents. At this point in my life I was 14 and I didn’t give any fucks about school and I just wanted to party and do what I wanted to and god forbid someone who had authority told me what to do I would retaliate.

I was failing all my classes and just being pushed through the school system due to my skipping school and not doing my school work. In my eyes partying was life cuz I wasn’t depressed and I was having fun. For a while, it was all fun and games till my parents hired a PI (Private Investigator) to follow me and see where I was going during school hours due to the truant officer at our school kept calling my parents and telling them I wasn’t at school again and if they didn’t learn how to control me and make sure I was going to school they were gonna have to file criminal charges on me and my parents would have to pay $717 for each time I wasn’t at school when I was supposed to be.

So my dad showed up once day with my mom and knocked on the door to the house I was at when I was supposed to be at school and dragged me out of the house by my hair and dragged me to the van and took me home and the abuse started back up and I was told I wasn’t allowed to hang out with the friends I had and that I had to grow up and do what was expected of me. Which I found other ways to get around it. Which unfortunately didn’t work in my favor as they always found out where I was hanging out. And throughout all of this, I was still in contact with Sean but not as much as I wish I would have.

Then when I turned 17 my dad sat me down and told me it was either live at home and go to school like I was supposed to or move out and live my life like the lowlife I was because of the drugs and drinking and not going to school. So I moved out and attempted to live life alone. I didn’t have a job and couldn’t get one due to not having the schooling necessary to get the jobs I wanted. So when I was on my own I couch surfed for quite a while going from house to house and having to go to the homeless shelter for meals just to have food in my tummy.

When I was 18 I got into legal trouble and was charged all because the guy I was dating lied to me and told me his mom was ok with us moving into her trailer and I got charged with party to a crime of breaking and entering a dwelling as well as trespass to a dwelling. I dealt with the bullshit from that for several years and finally got off probation and served my time. I would get close to completing my probations and someone I knew would have police contact while I was around and I ended back up in jail. And that pattern continued.

When I was 19 I went to go see my ex-boyfriend Sean to see how he was doing as we lost contact and I knew he still lived at his moms in the trailer park I was pregnant and wanted to check in with him and let him know what has been going on with me and when I went over there we got into a huge fight as he thought we were still together even tho we weren’t and he couldn’t understand how I cheated on him and when I walked out the door and heading to my car he shot himself in the head and I called 911 and left as i didn’t know what else to do.

I dwelled on that for a while and when I had my daughter (Erin) in 2008 I had to stop dwelling on the what-ifs and focused on improving my life and making a life for myself and my daughter. I worked my butt off to make sure she got everything we needed. And then I had my middle child (Autumn) in 2009 and I had police contact at the beginning of 2010 which caused my nana having to come to get autumn as I was being arrested and gonna be sitting for 6 months so nana took autumn home with her until my mom got home from work and was able to take her to her house.

So while I was incarcerated 3hrs from home my parents had to get in the appropriate paperwork to get guardianship of the girls to get the income necessary to raise babies so my mom could stay home from work so she was able to take care of them while I was incarcerated and when I got out I had to go to court the next day to sign my rights to my baby girls over to my parents permanently. Even though I didn’t want to do it, I knew it was best for them.

So after going to court and doing the one thing I knew I was gonna regret to some degree the rest of my life I got home and got drunk and high. After about 3 months of getting drunk and high, I snapped out of my depression and started the trend of getting a job for a while and quitting and having to look for another job and doing that on repeat.

In 2011 I met my ex-husband,(John) We hit it off amazing and in 2012 we got married and life was absolutely perfect. We both had jobs. We were saving money for our own place and for the son (Jack)  that was to be born in January of 2014. Everything was going well till about a month after Jack was born and the physical, mental, emotional, and psychological abuse started. John wouldn’t come home from work during the week as he would sleep in the camper that was at his job at the sawmill so that way he wasn’t using so much money for gas to get back and forth daily when he worked 1hr from home. So I was Jack’s main caregiver. When John would come home from work he was always getting drunk and ignoring his son as well as abusing me.

Life went on like that for 2yrs and finally, I had enough of it as he wanted to take me out to the bar for a few drinks as we were supposed to have a good night and well let’s just say it isn’t. I got pissed off at him for making stupid comments about taking another chick from the bar home. So I walked out and started walking home. He realized I wasn’t outside smoking and he jumped in the car drunk as he was drunk when he picked me up to go out. He found me about 4 blocks from the bar walking home. He demanded I get in the car and he would take me home.

When I got in the car he stomped on the gas and had that little honda civic going as fast as he could through stop signs and red lights he was literally trying to get us into an accident cuz he was told he was not allowed to take care of jack and if he couldn’t have jack neither could I. He finally took us back to his moms (Cindy)  house where I lived, I went to get out of the car and he choked the air out of me and the only thing I could do to get away was to scratch him in the neck. He finally let go of me. I got out of the car and walked up to the house and didn’t hear him coming up behind me.

He smashed my head into the mailbox that was right next to the front door. Once we were inside he punched me in the head to get me to fall to the ground. Once on the ground he kicked me and woke his mom up out of a dead sleep and she had broken her wrist earlier that day. He went to attack Cindy and knowing I shouldn’t interfere I did it anyway and got in his face and slapped him. He picked me up, slammed me to the floor, and then attempted to break my neck and his family wouldn’t help me. So I fought him off.

He stormed out of the house, jumped in his car, and headed home within a matter of 2 blocks from where I was. He got pulled over and the cop asked him where the marks came from that were on his neck and the cops called his mom to come to get him so they didn’t have to arrest him. A cop showed up at the house I was at and talked to me and told me to stay away from him and I explained that’s kinda impossible as I live with his mother. The cop told me that he would explain to John that he needed to stay away if he couldn’t act like an adult.

And in the following days, I called my Dr’s office and asked if they could put a request in for me to see someone in behavioral health and that when I got diagnosed with BPD and had to start taking the meds to keep my moods balanced as much as possible. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I knew something wasn’t quite right. When I was diagnosed I was devastated because I didn’t know what it meant. Or how to fix it but I went to counseling and talked to a psychiatrist and understood that it’s not my fault all the bad stuff I’ve gone through happened to me but it did cause me to have BPD.

I was doing ok. I was managing to handle everything that was thrown at me. Even with John and I coming to the understanding that we were not meant to be married to each other. So we filed for divorce in late 2014 and it wasn’t finalized till May of 2015. But back in Feb of 2015 before the divorce was finalized we were living in separate houses as we couldn’t handle dealing with each other and one Frightful morning John called me and said he was rushing back to town from work and that I needed to have his mom take me to the hospital as Jack was being rushed by ambulance cuz he was unresponsive when EMTs got there. I didn’t know what happened to my baby until I got there and had been taken to a different room than John as they were questioning me as if I did something wrong. I didn’t know that Jack was being abused as I only saw him for 4 days the month before.

Jack was violently shaken and slammed to the hardwood floor and his breathing was labored before he went limp and I didn’t know anything that had been going on. When they finally let me see Jack he was in a medically induced coma, 30 broken blood vessels in one eye, 31 broken blood vessels in his other eye, 2 old brain bleeds and 1 new brain bleeds as well as bruises in all stages of healing all over his tiny body, I prayed every day to god to let my baby survive and live with little side effects to what happened. The Drs didn’t know if he was gonna live.

CPS (Child Protective Services) was called, I was questioned again, and told that I would not be allowed to bring my son home if he made it through this, which thankfully he did. He went to live with a foster family that has John’s oldest son (Chris), so Jack wouldn’t be with a family who didn’t care about him. I battled for another 3 yrs trying to get custody of jack I went to parenting classes, I worked my butt off to get money to prove to them I could take care of him and none of it mattered CPS made up their minds about me not ever getting him back as soon as they showed up at the hospital all because I kept telling them I didn’t know he was being abused and if I did I would have done something about it.

When Jack was in his medically induced coma they had a little beanie baby penguin holding his breathing tube up so he could get the O2 he needed. And I still got the penguin and I have it kept put away as well as the hospital bands. I was the only one that was there the whole time he was in the hospital. John would show up for maybe a half hr and then tell me he couldn’t handle seeing Jack like that but thought I could. Cps contacted my parents to see if they had the space to take in another baby as they wanted to place him with family so they found out and showed up. As my parents walked up to the hospital I was looking out the window and saw them told the nurses to call security and get them to Jack’s room. Once in the room with me and Jack, my dad told me that he wished he would have killed me when he had the chance because I allowed his grandson to get hurt when I didn’t know shit about what was happening. And John called me I answered my phone and stepped into the bathroom attached to Jack’s room.

My dad heard me tell John that I wished I could be with him rather than living in the hospital room and my dad flung open the bathroom door and started to reach towards me as I snuck past him and out into the view of the camera in the room. And he told me to tell John that he is gonna kill him as well. And it is still believed to be my fault jack got hurt and its been almost 7 yrs later. But to make matters worse is when jack got released from the hospital he went to the foster family.

My ex-husband went back to dating the stupid cunt (Andrea)  that did this to our son and tried to work stuff out with me while he was dating her, she lost custody of all her kids and only sat 3 yrs in prison for what she did. The whole time she was in prison they were writing letters to each other and talking about marriage. I came across a letter when he went to jail and I had to pack his house up and when I asked him about it he got mad at me and told me to stop snooping through his personal stuff. When I wasn’t doing it intentionally as I was packing a house that wasn’t mine by myself. Then I was with one of my friends and I ended up getting arrested cuz I had a warrent I didnt know I had. I got out of jail on work release and had to stay a prisoner at John’s mom’s house cuz that was the only place I could go.

I got a job working at Lambeau field and paid my fees needed to stay out of jail and hours got cut at work so I had to turn myself into the jail and sit my last week. When I got out I wrote a letter telling Jon I couldn’t do this shit no more as I knew he and Andrea were talking about marriage and having kids when she got out even tho she isn’t allowed to be around any child unsupervised, and she didn’t think CPS would step in.

After all of that, I moved 3 hours away from where this all happened to where I live now so I don’t have to worry about all the possible run-ins with John or Andrea. I have been happily living here for the last 2yrs and I met an amazing man named Jon who I have been dating for the whole 2yrs I’ve lived here. He moved 5hrs away from his family to be with me. He treats me like a princess. We have not had any huge fights while we been together. I’m not gonna say it’s been easy but relationships are challenging at times. But it’s how you handle the challenges which matter.

I have 3 separate personalities. Angel is the sweet and innocent one. Beauty is an angry and violent one. And me well I’m chill and mellow for the most part. Honestly, BPD can be hard to live with but if you can find good healthy coping habits you will be alright. Everyone slips up and self-harms but you have to remember that unexpected things happen.

I have a lot going on in my life right now, Jon has just recently started a new job, I have started my own small business, as well as being the head admin in the My Bipolar Mind FB group for the last year, I have made some amazing friends while being an admin including a sisterhood with Samantha Steiner my Soul Sister. Honestly, if it wasn’t for her I would not be writing this story she is trying to help me get more comfortable with what has happened to me and maybe give others the support they need to come forward and tell their stories.

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About the Author:

Hello everyone, my name is Rissa. I am head Admin of the MBM Facebook group, I enjoy helping others as well as starting my own small business. Life is crazy for everyone right now but taking time to help others is much better then not having someone to talk to.

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