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Still Searching & Hoping For Stability With My Own Mental Health

*Note: Please be advised that there is a trigger warning section of this post. It involves my own personal political views regarding the current President of the United States. Some readers might find my thoughts and opinions triggering or even angering. These are my beliefs and I am entitled to having my own opinion as well as you are. Please do not leave hateful or threatening comments. If you do not like what I have to say simply exit out of this post and move on. Unfollow if you feel the need. Thank you in advance. – Samantha

Yet again, some time has passed since my last blog post. I believe it’s been about a month (again). I truly wish I could blog as much as I once did but sometimes life just has other plans.

I feel like all I do anymore is work and sleep even though I am not even necessarily pulling 40 hours a week. Some weeks it’s closer to 32 and other times it nears 40. I am scheduled to work Monday – Wednesday from 9am-5pm and Thursday – Friday 9am-4pm. But by the time I get out of work most days I am just completely exhausted and don’t want to do anything.

October 22nd marked one month at my new job. I am the administrative assistant for a small local home health care agency. I am learning so much about being on the administrative side of things that sometimes it’s hard to remember and keep track of everything I am learning but I do love learning new things which makes the mind overload worth it.

I have been in this very same field off and on for 16 years now but I have always worked as a DSP (Direct Support Professional) which is the person who provides care to individuals. I was 18 or 19 when I first started working in this field and I am now 34. Many of things I learned as a DSP has been very beneficial for my new role.

My boss is honestly truly amazing and very compassionate and understanding. He knows that I was trying for disability for a while and understands that I have some issues going on where I need to leave early or come in late sometimes due to my countless doctor appointments. It is very, very hard to find an employer who is understanding of that so I feel truly blessed to have come across this position.

I am trying my hardest to be the reliable and responsible employee that my boss needs me to be and probably expects me to be but sometimes I feel like a total failure at that. I hate feeling like I disappointed someone even if it’s only in my head and not based in reality. My mental health makes being those things challenging at times.

As an example, the one day my office key (and house key) fell off my key ring and I couldn’t find them and had a total meltdown at work and actually started crying… over lost keys. Something replaceable. I just couldn’t keep my emotions in check and felt like a total failure. I mean, I couldn’t even keep track of a key. After about an hour I finally found them and had to apologize for losing my shit and the key.

Sometimes I feel like I handle bigger issues better than the smaller ones. Sometimes I feel like I can’t handle anything at all. It honestly really all depends on my mood and my state of mind. But it’s hard when my moods are erratic.

I never know which Samantha I am going to be when I wake up in the morning. Am I going to be the happy, cheerful Samantha or the sad and can’t see the good in anything Samantha. Or will I get lucky and be at my baseline.

I have had a few med adjustments since my last post and the one change, adding 50-100 mg of Quetiapine at night to my Trazodone, has really seemed to help my sleep a lot. Most nights I can sleep through the night with minimal wakings. And when I do wake up in the middle of the night it is usually fairly easy to fall back to sleep.

It feels good to finally be getting more than a few hours of sleep every single night. The downside to adding the Quetiapine, however, is that I am extremely groggy the next morning and sometimes it might take until 10am or later before the grogginess subsides.

I have been on this medication in the past but on higher doses; 300-600 mg a night plus 50 mg three times a day for anxiety. And while this med worked well for me it caused me to gain an extreme amount of weight which worries me about starting it again. I have never been able to lose all the weight I gained while taking Quetiapine in the past. I guess I just have to try to be even more mindful about my food and beverage choices. But hey, at least I am finally sleeping through the night.

However, if the county assistance office out here don’t get their crap together I am quickly going to be unmedicated or improperly medicated which could be highly detrimental to my overall health and wellbeing and any progress that I have made. Especially progress with my mental health.

I found out on November 1st that my Medicaid was deactivated on Halloween while trying to fill a prescription that I was out of and that couldn’t be filled until the 1st anyway. Since I found out on a Sunday that I no longer had medical insurance there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to try to figure out what was going on. I spent the day stressing and worrying about how I am going to continue all my medical treatments and about how I was going to play phone tag with Welfare while at work.

I was honest with my boss about what was going on and he allowed me to make as many personal phone calls as I needed. When I finally spoke to Welfare they didn’t even know why my insurance got cut since apparently they aren’t supposed to be kicking people off of Medicaid right now due to the nation wide crisis; COVID-19. The lady I spoke with was actually very kind and apologized for what happened. If they decide to reinstate my Medicaid it could take up to 15 days plus the three day waiting period for someone to review the information.

I told the lady that I am really freaking out because I am on about 15 different medications for my mental and physical health. She said that she was going to note in my chart that I am on health sustaining medication which should help my case. I reported my income and gave them information about my new job. She said she believes that I am still under the financial cut off and should still be able to receive Medicaid.

My job does not offer medical insurance since it is a very small company. My boss was kind enough to type something up for me stating that fact. But with our lovely Welfare system out here, having a job that doesn’t offer medical is not enough to be a Medicaid recipient and you still have to meet all their other ridiculous requirements. If I make $1 more than their cut off limit I will not give me my Medicaid back. And I have to wait 15+ days to find out.

I have already had to pay for two of my medications out of pocket with financial help from my boyfriend and mom. I still have to pay them back for this kind help this Friday when I get paid.

I am stressing about this. If I lose my Medicaid and get told that they can’t reinstate it I am so screwed. I wouldn’t be able to afford every single med I am on even with apps like GoodRx (which has been very helpful for the two meds I got filled). I wouldn’t be able to afford my doctor appointments in order for me to get my meds either. This issue is like a constant nagging feeling accompanied by an overwhelming amount of anxiety that is constantly hounding me in the back of my mind.

I have been working with my psych doctor closely to try to get my psychiatric meds where they need to be and I feel like we are finally starting to make progress and now that might be snatched from right under my feet. One step forward, five steps back.

The following words have the potential to be triggering to some people and gets very political. What is written below is my own personal opinion and thoughts. Please read with caution. This could get messy.


On a different note, today is Election Day in the United States. On top of worrying about my medical insurance I am worrying about the state of out Nation. Today, I voted for the first time ever. What made me vote in this election compared to all the ones since I turned 18? I am going to say this loud and I know not everyone shares my personal opinion and that is okay. To each their own, right? But I decided to vote today because I believe that we need to get that sexist, racist, rapist, pig known as President Trump out of the White House.

Please, no hate comments. This is my opinion and personal belief and I am entitled to that. If you don’t agree with what I am saying that is okay and YOUR own personal opinion and I will respect that. This is my freedom of speech. I believe the worst thing to happen to the United States of America in a very long time, a place I am proud to call my home country, is Donald Trump. We’ve seen so much chaos, riots, and protests since he’s been in the White House and he doesn’t even seem to bat a lash. He lacks human compassion. He does not care about our rights as American citizens and would love to see as many of them as possible taken away.

He is incredibly sexist and racist among other things. He is the type of person that believes women should be seen and not heard. And, as a woman in the United States, I do not want a person like that running this nation. He is all about making the rich richer and it seems like if he could he would eliminate the lower class HUMAN BEINGS who depend on things like disability, Medicare, Medicaid, and food stamps altogether. What about us “lower class” citizens, people like me, who would not be able to survive without those things. He don’t care about us and our wellbeing. He only cares about himself and lining his pockets even further.

This so called President hardly reacted and wouldn’t even take a knee with his fellow Americans when Floyd George was brutally murdered by a racist cop. He has his head so far up his own ass that you could probably see his nose when he opens his mouth to spew hate.

I am extremely worried about the future of our Nation if Trump gets reelected. What does that mean for people like me? People who don’t come from money or trust funds and who are hardly surviving paycheck to paycheck as is. What will that mean for our basic human rights? How much violence, riots, and protests are going to come from this? What does this mean for women and our rights? My mind is plagued by so many questions and worries.

Hell, if a mass female riot and/or protest were to breakout across the nation if Trump is reelected and women started burning their bras all over again you best believe that I am down to set my over the shoulder boulder holder on fire and I’ll be right there in the middle of the crowd standing my ground.

I probably shouldn’t be watching the election coverage tonight since it is just so anxiety producing but I am. I don’t understand how a PRESIDENT can be rightfully accused of rape and still have a steady stream of followers and supporters. That’s like his supports saying that rape is okay as long as you got money and hold power. It’s sickening. What if that would have been your mother, your sister, or your wife that he violated? Would you still feel the same? Trump thinks very poorly of women and their rights and that is evident by his words and actions.

I find it disgusting and disturbing that with everything Trump has said and done these past four years since he has been in office hasn’t been enough of an eye opener to so many American people and too many still hang on to his every word even after many of his lies and worrisome actions have come to light. .

Demi Lovato is on point with her new song “Commander In Chief.” I would love to know Trump’s thoughts on her lyrics. So many Americans have questions for Mr. Trump that he will never answer or respond to. And he could care less about how his fellow Americans are suffering.

I have never, ever been a political person in my life. Which you may have gathered when I admitted that I have never voted before this election. But the past four years that Trump has been in term has changed that. I will not support or stand by any government official, President of the United States or not, that could care less about what ALL his fellow Americans are struggling through during these challenging times. People are dying on a daily basis from this pandemic and OUR President thoroughly lacks human compassion and understanding.

Trump gets Covid (supposedly) and hires many of the world’s “best” doctors to make sure he is nursed back to full health. The average American gets Covid and has to deal with tired and overworked medical professionals who fear for their own lives and loved ones on a daily basis and that can’t get the full care that they truly need due to a lack of supplies, ventilators, and so on. How is that fair and how is that being able to relate to and understand what the average American is going through?

Trump joked about Covid, down played it, and basically acted like it wasn’t a real crisis. Over a million people all around the globe have lost their life to this virus while the President of the United States cracked jokes. Yet many people still think Trump is some kind of God that should be praised.

My feelings and personal thoughts and beliefs about the President of the United States has nothing to with the fact that he’s a republican. Whether the President is a republican or democrat doesn’t influence me at all as long as they are doing a good job and trying their best to help their fellow Americans in every class bracket. It has to do with seeing, hearing about, and learning about what kind of person he is as a human being and seeing the destruction and devastation that follows this man closely.

If you are not working for the people you are working against them. Nothing Trump has done in his four years in office has showed me that he is actually working for the people. He has his own personal hidden agenda.

This turned into a much longer rant than I anticipated. I apologize. I had a lot more to say than I realized when I started talking about the President. I can’t help but to feel a sense of doom and dread about what’s to come if Trump stays in office for four more years.

What sucks is that because of the pandemic and all the mail in ballots it could be another week or two before all votes are counted and the Presidential winner is officially announced. Even though we can give it an educated guess based on the current votes that are in, there is still plenty of room for things to change by the time they get the full count. Which leaves us with just a guess for the time being.

All we can do is anxiously await the final count. If you are like me and want Trump out of office badly, start praying to whatever Higher Power you believe in that we will finally be able to see some changes headed our way that are for the better. Stay strong America while we pray for positive changes together!

Samantha View All

Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog

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