It has been so long since I have written anything, I had started a few times but not even halfway through whatever I was writing about I would have a huge blowout (ANGER) and like always, after doing so I would go into my bedroom and retreat into one of the darkest, most dangerous places I could go (inside my own head).
So, here I am trying once again to get my thoughts out before something happens to stop me. I have been having terrible fits of anger that seem to come out of nowhere and when it happens it really scares me. I feel as though I am in a constant spiritual battle.
Whenever I lose control it does not stop with my anger, I quickly turn it all inward and become VERY depressed. My mind turns into a battleground with only one possible casualty (ME).
I usually discuss my issues with paruresis but I will write about that next time. Right now I need to share about these other issues.
I am generally a happy person but sometimes these crazy battles in my head just seem to pop up out of nowhere. One thing I am very grateful for is the fact that I quit drinking many years ago. If I were still drinking today I would most assuredly disappear into a place that I would never come back from. If you can relate to this then please know that you are not alone.
I know I should continue with therapy and even my doctor keeps telling me this but when this whole coronavirus started I told my therapist that I wasn’t going to make anymore appointments until thinks looked safer, but now my doctor told me they are having zoom meetings and I didn’t know this and I do not feel comfortable doing therapy over zoom. Especially when I have a house full of people and very little privacy.
Don’t know if anyone can relate to this but I have always had this fear of people and an uneasy feeling inside that something bad is about to happen. Being around people has gotten much better but the feeling of losing something still hits me sometimes.
Another feeling that has been with me for as long as I can remember is that I am just going along aimlessly waiting for my time here to be up. I have a wife I love with all my heart, children I love dearly, things are good for me and yet these feelings are still there. I feel like there must be some treatment out there that could make me feel a little more normal but have not found it yet and my doctor just wants me in therapy.
For me getting involved in the church has helped me in so many ways but I have this horrible habit of underestimating and second guessing myself. I am filled with so many fears that it holds me back from really enjoying life.
Next time I get to writing I will talk more about my paruresis, but for now, I hope something that I shared can help someone else to know that they are not alone.