Today has been a very mentally and emotionally challenging day for me. I had the worst panic and anxiety attack that I have ever had in my life and it literally lasted for about an hour or perhaps even longer.
Doing nothing was causing me a great deal of anxiety, and yet the thought of having to move a muscle to do anything caused me the same amount of anxiety. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. I was stuck; frozen. I couldn’t get myself to do much of anything and it took all the energy I had left in me just to be able to try to breathe.
My mind was really starting to scare the hell out of me and took me to some really dark places. It was far worse than I could have ever expressed to anyone.
I felt like I was suffocating; like my whole world was coming to an end. The tears just kept on falling. The room started to feel like it was closing in on me.
I felt like I was going insane and I just so badly wanted the way I was feeling to come to an end. I couldn’t tolerate even thinking about talking on the phone with anyone because it increased my anxiety even more. I felt too petrified and frozen to be able to use my own voice. I was at least able to reach out to some really amazing friends of mine who tried everything they could to help me calm down. But, to be honest, at the time I was beyond help anyway.
I couldn’t get myself to try any of the things my friends were suggesting. I wanted to try out their ideas so bad but it was like someone or something else was controlling my body and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
Now that the attack has subsided I have this doomed anxiety/paranoid/nervous feeling going on that is trying to consume me alive and I am petrified that I am going to end up having another attack tonight. My anxiety is still extremely high but at least the attacks have stopped, I suppose.
The aftermath of the panic and anxiety attack has left me feeling pretty low and hopeless. The attack might be over but now my head is still filled with all of the bad and negative thoughts that potentially triggered the attack in the first place.
I was feeling like a major burden to my loved ones because I was starting to feel and think that everyone was getting fed up with me and mad at me because I couldn’t control my crippling anxiety and panic. I was just so overpowered by these horrifying, intense negative emotions that I could do absolutely nothing about. I felt like I was bothering my loved ones by venting and complaining to them about how fucking awful I was feeling.
I thought the attack was never going to end. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if it lasted any longer. I was seriously losing my shit. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me or why. This was not only the worst panic and anxiety attack of my life by also the longest.
I am now so paranoid and petrified that it’s going to happen again and I never, ever want to feel that way ever again. It was so fucking scary and I didn’t know how to deal or cope which just further increased my panic, anxiety, worry, and fear. I am on edge just anticipating the next attack.
I never slept last night and because of how I am currently feeling I worry that falling asleep is going to be challenging even though I am physically and mentally drained. If I don’t get some sleep soon I am really going to be in for one hellish emotional wreckage. .
I am going to attempt to get some rest. Wish me luck because after today I sure as hell need it!