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Insomniac Ramblings

It’s almost 4 a.m. and I’ve only managed to get about 2.5-3 hours of sleep. I went to bed around midnight and woke up around 3 a.m. and was pretty much wide awake from there. I am hoping that blogging from my phone while laying down may just be what I need to make myself drowsy enough to go back to bed.

All in all, I have been doing pretty good for the most part. I still have my lovely bipolar ups and downs but they’ve been pretty manageable for the most part lately. Although, yesterday evening until the time I went to bed, I was starting to feel pretty low but was able to hide it nicely behind a smile.

I don’t think there was anything that really triggered me into a downswing, it just kind of showed up and stuck around for a few hours. At least some sleep, no matter how minimal it was, seemed to be enough to chase the blues away for the meantime.

The fact that my mood swings are now becoming semi-manageable for the first time in a very long time makes me wonder if starting the use of medical marijuana has anything to do with it.

I’m still amazed at how much better my anxiety has gotten thanks to medical marijuana. I’m not saying that my anxiety has 100 percent dissipated but it’s definitely a hell of a lot better than it was. This is the longest I have gone in the past three years without having a panic attack in a moving vehicle; it’s been almost a month! Now, that is progress!

It was my family doctor who I talked to about initially getting the medical card for my physical ailments. My psych doctor wasn’t necessarily for the card since she feels it can sometimes make mental health worse but so far, the findings have been pleasant.

My psych doctor also said that she wasn’t going to stop me from getting my medical card either. She just said she’d prefer that I be honest and tell her about it so we can monitor me and keep track of new or worsening symptoms. It appears that for once I am going to have good news to report when I have my next session with my psych doctor in a few months.

My sleep, on the other hand, continues to be all over the place again once more. I thought it was starting to improve but I was wrong — obviously.

It’s about once a week or so where I am going without any sleep at all. That seems to be the new normal for me. For the longest, I would only have full blown sleepless nights a few times a months. Now, it’s seemed to have progressed to a weekly thing. Sometimes a biweekly thing. And I can’t seem to figure out any patterns or possible triggers either.

The next day after getting no sleep, I am usually an emotional, useless wreck. It’s like I can’t function unless I get sleep anymore. I used to be able to go days without getting any sleep and still be able to at least semi-function. But not anymore. What happened to those days where sleep was optional? I guess needing more sleep becomes more important the older you get… It must just be another way to tell that I am not in my 20’s anymore.

Speaking of getting older, my birthday is coming up. On August 4th I will be 34-years-old. Some days it’s hard to believe that I am not a teenager anymore. Other days it’s hard to believe that I’m not old enough to get a senior discount yet. I don’t think I ever quite feel like my actual age.

I see a lot of people my age or who I went to school with that seem to have their lives figured out by their 30’s. They have a house, a career, a spouse, and kids. I have none of the above really. I’m a 33-year-old divorcee who is crashing on her mom and sisters’ sofa bed. I’m pretty much homeless and broke. This is not what I pictured my life would be like in my 30’s. I think I just need a redo at my entire life. Where’s the reset button?

Samantha View All

Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog

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