I sincerely apologize for being MIA for the past few weeks. I just realized the other day that my last post was published on May 11th, 2020 (and was titled Mother’s Day Blues). My days are almost always blurred together lately and unless I have an appointment, I usually don’t know what I did on what day.
I know that the blurring of days happens a lot for me, but within the past month it has gotten ridiculously worse. Most days, time also seems to be flying by at an astonishing rate for me as well. But there are still some days where time appears to stand still.
At the end of May, I also had to move rather quickly and go back to crashing on my mom and sisters sofa since my living arrangements were no longer working out. I left so much behind when I moved. I even left some books behind which is something I have never done before. Where I would go, I would make sure that my all books came with. This time, I didn’t see the point.
I am just so sick and tired of moving around all the time. The longest I have lived in one place in my 33 years of life was for roughly only about 4-5 years. This is not where I thought I would be at in life in my 30’s. I had something totally different planned out for me. 10 years ago, I pictured that by the time I reached 30 I would have a career, a child, a spouse, and my own home. None of which happened.
Well, technically, I’ve already been married and divorced. So, perhaps I can check marriage off of my bucket list. But I’d really like to settle down with someone who actually cares for me and loves me as much as I love them and that isn’t a cheating asshat like my ex-husband.
Right now, I am just trying to get things figured out and get situated so that I can get on my feet again – sooner rather than later.
My moods are still rapid cycling. And I’ve noticed that since moving back into my moms house they are cycling faster than ever. I am just doing a better job at hiding the lows than ever before.
It also seems like at least once a week I will go an entire night without being able to get any sleep and then severely crashing a day or two later.
On top of that, my restlessness and pacing back and fourth has gotten out of hand. I talked to my psych doctor about it the other day and we are going to lower my Abilify dose back down to 15 mg to see if that helps any since Abilify can sometimes cause restlessness.
I feel like, within the past year, every time I try moving forward something always pulls me right back to where I started. How is it that within a year, I’ve landed right back in the same position I was in last June? I tried so hard to move forward but I feel like I’ve gotten no where. Absolutely no where.
I am trying not to complain, though. I am just grateful that my mom and sister agreed that I could come back. Otherwise, I would’ve had no where else to really go. I feel like a major burden to people. I feel like everyone is always having to take care of me. I am nearing my mid-30’s and still don’t know how to adult or care for myself without assistance. I can’t even keep a roof over my own head! I am always living under someone else’s roof.
I might really have to give up on my disability application and just try to find another job that I know I won’t be able to hold down for very long. The longest I have worked anywhere was for almost two years. My shortest job lasted one single shift. I’ve lost count of how many jobs I’ve had but I know the number is well over 20.
I just don’t think I have any other options left unless I want to live with my mom and sister forever. I need my own space again. Had my doctors actually filled out my paperwork correctly and listed all my diagnosis’s I believe I wouldn’t have been denied again this last time. I just don’t know if I can honestly play the waiting game any longer. Plus, my disability lawyer is retiring at the end of the year so now I have to look for another lawyer too.
I take one step forward just to go three steps back.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.