Agitated Mania: Day 2
I am not really feeling any better than I was last night when I wrote about being in an agitated, anxiety-fueled bipolar manic episode. If anything, I feel worse than I did yesterday. Perhaps this is because, like I anticipated, I did not get any sleep or rest last night. Instead, I manically wrote for hours on end. I didn’t even notice when nighttime turned into daylight.
Usually, these agitated manic episodes last less than 24 hours for me since I rapid cycle. But here I am at 5:30 p.m. the next day and trying with everything I have to keep myself and my emotions in check. I have tried everything that I could think of – and tolerate – to try to snap out of this episode but nothing has worked so far.
Writing has been the only thing keeping me semi-sane, and possibly even alive at this point, but I am quickly running out of ideas of what to write/blog about. I have roughly two blog posts scheduled everyday until Monday. I even had three posts scheduled to go live for today. To be honest, since I wrote them while manic, I am not even 100 percent sure that anyone other than me will be able to understand what I was frantically typing out between yesterday and today.
I took another 25 mg of Trazodone – my anxiety dose – maybe about 15 minutes ago and I am hoping and praying that it will be just what I need to get my mind to finally slow down to the point where I can try to get some rest. Although, because of the time, I might just be better off staying up until I am ready to go to bed tonight so that I can actually catch some Zzz’s. I’ll give the Trazodone another 30-45 minutes to take effect, and If I am still not feeling any relief than I will take the other half; another 25 mg.
Perhaps because I haven’t eaten much the past two days, the Trazodone will actually kick in faster, and fast relief is something that I needed yesterday already. I could type out my feelings until my fingers fall off, but unless you are bipolar and have had the unfortunate delight of dealing with an agitated manic episode, no words could even come close to how this actually feels.
I have done my best to steer clear of innocent bystanders today. I avoided human interaction as much as possible because I didn’t want to take my aggression out on those who don’t deserve it. I have a had a very short fuse these past two days as well and anything anyone said to me, regardless of how nice or sweet it was, had me screaming internally. And I feel horrible for feeling like that.
Do I dare to hope? I think maybe the 25 mg of Trazodone may be having some kind of affect on my mood finally this time around. My anxiety finally – after two long days – seems to be breaking away a little bit at a time which means that hopefully this nightmarish manic roller coaster ride will come to a complete stop. It is long overdue! Usually, 24 hours of feeling like this is bad enough. But two days? Two days is just torture.
I had even turned into a laughing-crying one woman bipolar show a few hours ago when I was trying to explain to my one friend through text messages why I couldn’t fathom calling her today. I am just glad that she has some of the same mental health conditions that I do so luckily she seemed to understand where I was at mentally and didn’t press the subject. She just asked if there was any way that she could help me which was kind of her, but I almost asked for a lobotomy!
I think once everything is said and done and I am finally feeling okay again, I am going to crash from this manic high so hard. I just hope that since this was an agitated episode that the agitation and anxiety I usually get when coming down from a manic high won’t be as bad as it normally is since I was already flustered to begin with. I’m hoping that it will be smooth sailing until I am hurled into my next bipolar episode.
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Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.