Happy (Belated) Easter & Late Night Thoughts
I would like to start by wishing everyone a Happy (belated) Easter. Many of us couldn’t be with our immediate family this holiday thanks to COVID-19, but I hope you were all able to make the best of a bad circumstances!
My Easter was pretty uneventful. I really missed spending the holiday with my mom, brothers, and sister but I made do. I hope they had a great holiday as well!
I’ve had to make use of a support group I’m in for women who have had ectopic pregnancies the past day or so because this was my first major holiday since I had my procedure (to remove my right ruptured Fallopian tube) and lost my pregnancy.
I am still having moments were it’s hard af to deal with, but I am much better than I was – mentally – even a month ago. I think the whole loss of pregnancy thing is just yet another thing to add to list of shit that has given me PTSD. I can still picture lying in the hospital bed, alone, before the surgery. It’s not a place I like to visit in my mind but it pops up from time to time. And tonight is one of those nights where it’s popping up.
I see all these posts on social media from women who are getting ready to give birth, just gave birth, or just found out that they are pregnant and that shit stings quite a bit. In my fucked up mind, I want all women who are pregnant to experience the type of loss that I went through – even though I realize how messed up that sounds.
Life’s not fair; I found that out a long time ago.
April 2nd, 2020, was exactly 2 months since my surgery and loss. I thought that by now I would have forgotten the exact date but that is just not the case. I lost a major piece of myself on February 2nd, 2020, around midnight. It’s a piece of myself that I will never be able to get back.
2020 has been a majorly fucked up year for so many people. Within this year alone (and we’re only on the 4th month): I cut a tendon in my hand, lost my right Fallopian tube and pregnancy, and had to have major surgery to repair the tendon in my right pinky. That’s two surgeries that were less than a month apart.
And now with the Coronavirus going around, I don’t foresee 2020 getting any better. Most night’s I have a hard time sleeping, even on 100-200 mg of Trazodone every night because my anxiety runs wild. I worry about myself and my loved ones with this stupid virus going around.
This is going to sound like a mouthful but my best friends brothers girlfriends cousin was only 30 and passed away from COVID-19 on Easter. I didn’t know him personally but I know people who knew him personally. He was only a few years younger than me and that is scary.
My siblings on my moms’ side are all essential workers and are put at risk every time they have to go to work. Is a job really worth it? I worry about them everyday even if I don’t tell them or get to talk to them much anymore. I wish they all knew how much I miss them.
I worry about my mom, my dad, and all my friends too.
I just read somewhere (not sure if it’s true) that somewhere across seas they are getting hit with a SECOND round of the Coronavirus. Will this shit ever ago away? I just want my life along with everyone else’s to return to what it was before this mess.
I may be an introvert who didn’t get out much to begin with, but when you are being TOLD not to go anywhere; it’s a whole different story.
I used to be content just sitting at home all day everyday but that is not the case anymore. I feel like a dog who now lives for car rides to the store to get essential items.
On a different note, I was asked to write about different topics on bipolar disorder for another mental health website and I was nervous as hell submitting my first article to them but they seemed to love it and said it was just the right tone and style for what they were looking for. Yay, me!
I am stuck in my head and thoughts tonight and just needed to vent a little bit about how I am feeling and what I have been thinking about. After coming down from my manic episode, I have had little to no energy at all. I even bought some herbal teas that are supposed to help promote healthy energy but I am not sure if they actually help. Maybe a little bit.
It’s almost midnight and I still haven’t taken my night time meds. Perhaps I should get ready to take them soon so I can get some more restless sleep. I spend most of the night tossing and turning almost every single night. I go to bed tired and wake up exhausted. How does that even happen?!
Well, have a good night everyone! Sleep well!
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.