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Perpetual Boredom

Perpetual Boredom

My hand is healing slowly post-surgery. I got the stitches removed on February 27th, 2020, but I still need to wear the splint until March 26th. Needless to say, I am still trying to navigate life with my left (non-dominate) hand while my right hand is still out of commission.

Other than going to appointments a few times a week, my life is filled with nothing but perpetual boredom. It’s challenging when you have to go from being all about writing to not even being able to journal. Ugh, why did it have to be my dominate hand that got injured?

Typing one-handed, for me, still takes forever which is why I don’t blog as much as I used to right now. I’d love to blog about something other than my personal life but doing so would take me a long time and I’m not the most patient person and never have been. I love immediate gratification; perhaps a little too much. But I’d really love to write about mental health tips and info again! Hopefully soon!

You really never realize how much you take for granted until you’re one day unable to do some of the things that you used to do. Until the splint comes off I can’t even shower myself without assistance from my loved ones. If I were to bend my hand the wrong way right now there’s a very real possibility of snapping my healing, reattached tendon. If that were to happen I’d need surgery again and I really don’t want to go through that whole ordeal yet again.

My physical therapist said it’s still too early to tell how much functionability i’ll have with my right pinky. I’d be lying if I said I was completely happy with my progress and current range of motion with this finger.

It can at least bend a bit now but it requires some major focus to make it move the way I want it to. My pinky is like the little straggler that just can’t keep up with the other fingers as well. I was not prepared for the realistic aftermath post-surgery. I just have to keep trying my hardest and fight through the pain to do the PT exercises the best that I can. This is so much more work than I anticipated!

My mental health is up and down a lot still despite the increase of my one med, Aripiprazole. I went from 10mg to 15mg. I was also told to start taking this med in the morning and my Vraylar at night so that I have a med constantly working in my system. I think it’s been roughly two weeks since the adjustment. At least some of the paranoia I was feeling has subsided a bit.

When it comes to mental health, some progress is better than none at all.

The first week of the Aripiprazole increase was the hardest because an hour or two after taking it I would start to feel fuzzy-headed and cloudy. Luckily, that feeling has now gone away.

My therapist and psych doctor have always drilled it in my head that meds can only help so much and that going to therapy and working on yourself are also always needed in order to achieve mental stability.

And I totally understand that and agree with that, but I feel like my therapist thinks I’m not working on me at all. But every time I get into a car, venture outside, or even go into a store and don’t have a freak-out moment or panic attack that is progress for me. Every time I journal or utilize other coping mechanisms besides self-harm is also progress for me.

I haven’t self-injured since January 25th, 2020; even that is still me making some progress.

My therapist really wants me to consider going to a partial hospitalization program again. But after thinking about it, I still do not want to take that route yet. I have been to this particular program 4-5 times in the past. All it is, is hours of group therapy, closer med management, and mental health info classes pretty much.

It’s the same thing just with different faces every time I go. They never really change it up. I feel like it’s only a temporary band-aid that eventually falls off. Nothing really changes for me after completing the Mon-Fri program. I’m still the same person, with the same problems. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe once I am able to gain some of my independence back after I can use my right hand again I’ll start to feel a little better. Right now, I need help with so much and can’t do much for others so I often feel like a total burden. I can’t even put my hair up in a ponytail myself! Having to always rely on others for help with basic things is bound to have an impact on your mental health, right?

I now feel like a selfish jerk for all the breakdowns I had while caring for my mom after her knee surgery. Healing and getting things back to normal after major surgery is not always the easiest thing to do; especially the getting back to normal part!

Thanks for reading!


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Samantha View All

Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog

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