Drowning In The Haze
It is almost 3 o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake and once again stuck here overthinking and overanalyzing every little detail of my life.
I think about the things I could have done or said differently in specific situations if given the opportunity to do things differently, most of the time I would take a new approach.
Which is silly because we don’t get to ever re-do anything in life usually. We don’t get to live inside of a PlayStation or an Xbox; we don’t get more than one life to live and battle through. You get one shot at it and then you’re done. There’s no coming back once it’s “game over” for you.
I think I am still in shock regarding everything I have been through these past two weeks for so many different reasons; I had to have emergency surgery, I lost a pregnancy, I had to have part of my reproductive organs removed (my right fallopian tube), I was bleeding internally and could have died if I didn’t recognize that something didn’t feel right with my body, in the mix of this all I cut my hand and severed the tendon and some nerves in my right pinky, and now need surgery to repair it on Tuesday.
I could be wrong, but I think everything I mentioned above could be considered traumatic in their own ways as well as life-altering. Can I just skip forward through time, get through my next surgery, and wake up once my mind and body are fully healed from all these traumas?
I don’t even know how I am coping with everything right now as is. I just need some time to grieve my losses I guess. But does time ever really make anything better or do you just get to the point where you can live comfortably with the pain? I have older wounds that should have healed by now or that should have at least have gotten easier to live with by now that just haven’t that I still battle in my head from time to time years after the fact.
Everything just feels like it is in a haze all around me. My memory is hazy as all hell too. If it weren’t for the fact that I write some things down in my calendar I wouldn’t know what happened or when most of the time. With some people, I can’t recall everything to most of what I said or that was said to me. It’s like I am only half there over half of the time.
I can’t even tell you if what I am feeling is purely a situational thing and normal to go through after the past two weeks I’ve had or if my Bipolar Disorder or other mental health issues are out to play or a combination of the two. Actually, I am not even fully sure how I am feeling yet other than confused.
I still bounce around between feeling okay, feeling not okay, to being consumed by numbness; and then it all repeats. When I am feeling okay for the most part usually someone or something has gotten me out of my head for a little while. But then I will get lost inside the chaos of my mind and then I will be flooded with so many different feelings and emotions which range from anger to depression all at once. Then, after that, perhaps my mind and body can’t tolerate anymore because I will lose all feeling and just go completely numb.
When I am numb, there is no severe depression but there is also no joy in anything as well. I am merely existing.
Most days, these three things (feeling okay, not feeling okay, and feeling numb) cycle very rapidly, but there are times when I will become stuck in one of the three for a few hours at a shot. At times, being stuck in my emotions for more than an hour when I am not feeling okay is almost unbearable and that is when the suicidal thinking will start to kick up and surface. The monsters in my head (my anxiety, PTSD, bipolar, etc…) will try convincing me that there is no other way out or to feel better.
Typically, I will start trying to reach out to my loved ones when I start to hear the monster’s voice calling out to me in order to let them know that I need someone to talk to. But that isn’t always the case. Sometimes I will try to suffer through it alone because I will convince myself that no one really cares anyway or that everyone I know is sick of hearing about me and my crazy, disturbing thoughts.
For me, I know when I stop talking about things that are weighing heavy on my mind is when people should probably worry about me the most. When I can’t get my feelings out for whatever reason I usually look toward unhealthy coping mechanisms such as self-harm to help try to relieve some of the internal pressure that I feel.
Everything just feels so wrong and I don’t know which direction I am getting pulled in most of the time. And sometimes, I don’t know what I am grieving over more; the loss of the pregnancy or the part of my reproductive system that I could never get back. If I could honestly trick myself into thinking that I don’t want kids I think I would heal so much faster mentally and perhaps even physically.
But the truth is, I have always wanted kids. At least one. I’ve wanted a baby since well before my best friend gave birth for the first time at 16. By this stage of my life, I was sure I would have had one successful pregnancy by now.
My stupid ex-husband was the one who started off the stretch of fertility problems I’ve faced since my late teens that most likely led to my most recent loss with this ectopic pregnancy. What he did to me caused scaring throughout my reproductive system. Or at least that is what the doctor who treated me at the ER told me before they realized just how bad my situation was and that I was bleeding internally already by that point. Plus, there was scaring on and inside the rupturing fallopian tube that they had to remove.
What’s not fair is that my ex-husband still never had to deal with the consequences of his actions the way I have had to deal with the consequences of his actions. This dude only fucked my reproductive life up and not his because he was still able to have children. Had I known he’d be the reason I lost this pregnancy years after we had gotten divorced I probably would have told him to drop dead when he was messaging me not too long ago because he was feeling suicidal. Hell, I may have even found him just to put the blade in his hand had I known this was going to happen to me.
I can only hope that Karma will make him suffer worse than he’s made me suffer. I actually have quite a few ways I would like him to suffer but they are just way to fucked up for me to even be able to type or say out loud.
I have so much that I need and want to get off my chest but I feel frozen. If I could say one thing to the people that honestly do love and care about me right now, that would be: Please don’t give up on me right now. I need you all more than ever. What you read in my words doesn’t even begin to describe the ache that I have in my heart.
If time can really heal any wound like people have been telling me my entire life, people just need to try to be patient with me because these battle scars are going to need some serious healing time.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.