Posted December 10, 2019 by Samantha Anxiety

Insomnia Has Me Tonight

Insomnia Has Me Tonight

Sleep has eluded me all night and I’m starting to get a massive migraine from being overly tired and not being able to give into the sandman’s’ sweet embrace. I just want to sleep! Especially with how erratic my moods have been lately; sleep should come naturally and offer me even a slight bit of relief but it’s not.

I even took my nightly dose of Zolpidem 💊 (better known as Ambien) and I’m still sitting here awake. Like wth is going on with my brain tonight?

Hopefully soon I’ll be able to fall asleep, but it is almost 4:30 in the morning and I know my mom will be up soon since she has an early doctor appointment that my sister is taking her too. What this means for me is that I won’t be able to stay asleep for very long should I doze off soon since everyone is getting up at 5-ish in the morning.

You see, I am back to sleeping on my moms sofa since her knee healed enough for her to do her steps. This means that any sleep I get from here on out is more like a fucking power nap. I wish others could feel what it’s like to have chronic insomnia and have to get up shortly after struggling all night just trying to fall asleep. Basically begging for sleep to come.

Continuing This Post After 7 A.M….

So, I started this post around 4 something in the morning. It is now a bit after 7 a.m. and I have yet to sleep. If I was lucky, I got maybe five minutes of full shut eye. Not even though time to consider it a power nap since those range from 10 to 30 minutes and usually leave you feeling a bit more refreshed and alert and not wanting to pull your already thinning hair out.

I was going to delete what I had posted thus far but I figured wth (what the hell) I may as well leave it and continue on. My stomach is in knots and I have to keep going to the ladies’ room. I tried eating finally but what I chose to eat was actually spoiled and since I was not in the right frame of mind, and it was dark in the house, I actually ate a bit more than I should have even though it was really all that much. That was the first thing I ate since Sunday sometimes and I fully regret it.

I just didn’t have an appetite yesterday and was feeling a bit of aggravated bipolar mania. Not exactly a fun state to be in. I was hyper focused on writing once again but at least I got some stuff accomplished somehow.

My migraine had gone away for a little bit while I was trying to rest but I can feel it coming back on with vengeance. I’m scared to take anything for it since my tummy isn’t in the best shape. Feeling like this is also keeping me from eating an actual meal.

Giving Up On Sleep

I completely gave up on the idea of getting any sleep. I could try to nap while my sister and mom are at my moms’ appointment, but I find it pointless since my mind is groggy but racing. I don’t really want to do anything today, but I would love to get up with a certain friend of mine at some point, however that isn’t going to happen so I feel trapped while not really wanting to actually function or adult today.

Can someone explain how you can feel to opposite things at once because it’s boggling my flustered mind?

If I can’t hang out with whomever I please for certain reasons today, I’d rather just be left alone all together. Be seeing as how I don’t have my own space at all I know that is impossible.

Going To Try NOT To Be Crabby Today

I’m going to try not to be such a crab ass today but I get really moody and emotional when I don’t sleep. Thank you, insomnia for rearing your ugly head last night! I don’t even know how much sleep I get over the entire weekend, but I think it’s safe to assume that it wasn’t much given how much one night of not sleeping is completely affecting me and throwing me off.

I am pretty much doubting that anything I have available in my arsenal of ways to feel refreshed after not sleeping is going to even touch how I am feeling right now. Coffee doesn’t even sound appeasing right now either. I actually think caffeine would make me feel worse and even more jittery than I already am. Did I actually just turn down coffee? I think I did! And that is not like me at all!

Today is going to be challenging and I am hoping and praying that I do not have another mini mental break down, especially so close to my last one on Sunday. That is just too close for comfort.

Trying To Keep Calm With Music

I am even trying to listen to music to try to calm myself and my nervousness down a bit. NF is playing on my Spotify account and he is my ultimate favorite artist but yet music, even his, seems to drive me nuts right now. Everything just sounds too loud no matter what the volume is at. I’m still letting the music play in hopes that it will eventually soothe me and my edginess.

Speaking of NF, I would love to see him perform live but I never have money every time he comes to Philly or somewhere close to my area. I even have his song “Time” set as the ringtone for one of my contacts as well as a few other hits of his. If you have never heard that song before — I absolutely adore it — I hyperlinked the song title to the YouTube video. Check it out!

One of the things that I like about NF’s music is that he raps about real shit and he doesn’t even utter a single curse word. Not that I have an issue with cursing because I have been known to frequently drop the F-bomb, but you have to respect it these days when someone raps and isn’t spewing out garbage about bitches and hoes and f**k this and f**k that.

Actually, I am now glad I left the music playing despite feeling like everything sounds amplified because I am in a bit of a better mood. Not by too much, but some improvement is better than none!

Not Sure What Today’s Going To Bring

I am not sure what I am going to try to do with myself today. I don’t really have much to do and I am all caught up on my writings and don’t have much left to complete either. I have no Diamond Dotz or other crafts to do. TV pretty much bores me and I doubt I’d be able to focus on a movie or even Netflix.

Sleep is pretty much out of the question unless I can catch a few quick Zzz’s on my mom’s couch later on. I hate being bored because that is when I usually want to do dumb shit or wish I could drink or something and that is also when I get lost in my head and wind up on a downswing.

Being bipolar really sucks sometimes. I mean, the bursts of creativeness can be great at times, but there aren’t too many good things associated with having bipolar disorder or any other mental health condition.

Half the time I feel like my life isn’t my own and that I am just a passenger and someone, or something, else is in the driver’s seat. Perhaps I am not even in the passenger seat and more like I am locked in the trunk with some mad woman driving. 🤯 It would be nice to be in control of my life for once.

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Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.