It’s hard to believe it’s already almost mid-December. The year feels like it has just flown by. Some days do seem to go by faster than others, but as a whole — the year went pretty fast.
December has definitely had it’s ups and downs and feels like it has gone by in a blur. It’s hard to recall what I do from day to day anymore. I am still waiting to hear back about my disability hearing too. Waiting is the hardest part.
I know that I have been trying my hardest to keep busy. I have started doing some crafts such as Diamond Dotz or whatever I can get my hands on. I also feel like maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis or something because I went out and got a unicorn Gigapet since I loved playing with the keychain-sized virtual pets as a kid back in the 90s.
The Diamond Dotz is actually quite relaxing in this strange way. It’s so consuming that time and everything else just slips by without me noticing; which honestly isn’t hard to do. I spent the entire weekend at a friend’s house working on this gorgeous butterfly. I have completed three so far within the past week or so. It is absolutely addicting!
My mom got me this tiny butterfly starter one and within less than 30 minutes I was done and hooked on it. Then, I created a cute medium-sized heart, and then the larger butterfly. I think I like doing them so much for the fact that they keep my mind and hands occupied and I’m not consumed by all my thoughts every minute of the day. I do feel kind of bad that I wasted the entire three day weekend at my friend’s house, however.
I got so absorbed doing crafts, that I even forgot to go to my therapy appointment on Friday. Oops. It kinda sucks that I did that because I don’t have any more appointments lined up with her and I forgot to call to make another appointment today.
I had a bit of a Bipolar manic episode over the weekend that ultimately ended up leading to a really hard depressive crash and I even started picking a fight with my best friend for absolutely no reason. The mania lasted Saturday until the crash Sunday. I bawled my eyes out and cried hysterically during the crash. Then, when I woke up today, I felt like such a jerk and felt like I had to do damage control because of my episodes.
I even had a bit of a blackout period during my manic and depressive episodes. I know I went to an AA meeting during the mania and then crashed shortly after. I was rapid cycling hardcore! It’s not fun in the least to constantly go through these ups and downs and always having to apologize to people. I really do feel like such an ass because I know I said and did some hurtful things to the people I care about.
I was hoping that by giving up alcohol it would minimize having to apologize to people after a blackout, but I guess things don’t work like that for me. I don’t even really remember going to the meeting and sharing about my mania even though I have this vague memory of doing so. It’s so embarrassing!
Today, after I got home from my friend’s house, I couldn’t get myself to leave my mom’s four walls at all. I was filled with such anxiety that I even bailed on the pulmonary test that I had scheduled for this morning. How can a person go from wanting to be out and about to not being able to go outside? I’d say that it’s definitely not normal, but I know that there is no such thing as normal.
It’s like I can bounce between being outgoing to agoraphobic with a matter of hours or even days. I didn’t feel like explaining my anxiety that led to me missing my appointment today to my mom or anyone else so I just said that I didn’t feel like going. Now, I have to go through the hassle of rescheduling whenever I can pull myself together properly. It was hard enough for me to even go inside the pharmacy to pick up my medication today since it’s inside a major store.
I never know how I am going to feel from a day to day basis so I hate making plans. I don’t even know what was causing me so much anxiety about my test. Perhaps it was just the fact of having to go to this large hospital that I knew would be filled with strangers, wait for heaven knows how long for the test to be over and done with, and then head back to my moms. It just felt like too much work I guess or too much of a hassle. I just couldn’t bring myself to go. 🤦♀️🤷♀️
Today has been pretty a blur as well. It’s like I have this weird gap in time, yet again, but I know that all I really did today was write. I don’t even think I ate at all today and I am not even feeling very hungry. It’s almost 10 p.m. and I still can’t bring myself to do anything other than write. My best friend even came to my mom’s house to visit me tonight and she gave me another one of my Christmas gifts so I have her the ones I got for her.
So, I am only going to share this next bit of information because I feel bad that Jazmine wasted her money on something she thought was legitimate.
Jazmine knew that I really wanted a Tamagotchi for Christmas (See, I told you I was going through a mid-life crisis!) and she thought she had found a really good deal on Walmart.com. So she ordered her and I both a “Tamagotchi” to find out that it was actually a cheap knock off version. It came in this really cute egg and she was so excited for it to arrive and give it to me.
I am just grateful that she even thought of me and wanted to surprise me, especially after I was such a major jerk to her yesterday. But I feel horrible that she wasted her money on two of these things. Apparently, this virtual pet actually came from a third party seller through Walmart’s website. So, to anyone trying to order the same thing just be aware and if the deal sounds too good to be true; it probably is. The real Tamagotchi’s only have three buttons and not four like the one pictured above.
I am still going to cherish it and even play with it like the big kid at heart that I am since it came from my best friend. This knock off may have a different exterior, but it is the same exact toy that another friend got me from AC Moore for just $4.99 except this one was a bit more expensive.
It really is the thought that counts though! Needless to say, the third-party seller got a bad review and the review never published or if it did, it was taken down immediately. Before Jazmine ordered she looked up reviews and everything and trusted it since it came from Walmart. I guess you can never be too careful when you order online.
I should really be getting ready for bed but my mind is in high gear. I kind of wish I had a Diamond Dotz craft to do to ease the racing thoughts a bit. Then again, I would probably stay up all night trying to complete it.
While I was manic, I was in such high holiday spirits and couldn’t wait for Christmas, but now I am kinda dreading the holiday because it is going to be weird not being able to spend Christmas with Mike. Plus, I am broke as hell and can’t really afford many Christmas gifts and as much as I like receiving gifts, I love giving them too.
The past six months have been really challenging for me. I just want things to get easier and better but everything often feels like it’s getting harder and much worse. I kind of just want my ‘old’ life back. It’s hard to believe that I can be surrounded by people all the time yet still feel so lonely. If things are supposed to get worse before they get better, I think I am long overdue for some good times. Only time will tell, I guess.
I just feel like I am forever picking up the pieces to a broken life. I feel defective most of the time. How do you get the broken feeling to go away? How to people function normally after going through major changes? It’s been six months since everything fell apart for me and here I am still whining about it.
Since I’ve had so much time to think since I lost my home and the love of my life, I’ve had time to reflect and see my part in things. And yet again, I feel like such a jerk and a total ass. You know how in movies and on TV when someone royally fucks up they sit there and pound their forehead like, “What the hell did I do?” Yeah, that’s been me lately!
I’m sitting here still wondering, “What the hell did I do?”
So, before I find something else do with my time, I just wanted to end by saying that basketball shorts and stairs do not go well together. My rear end is still really sore more than 4 days after sliding down my mom’s steps on my butt. I’m hurting, but it was kinda funny at the same time. It was early morning, I wasn’t fully awake and paying attention and I slipped (with bare feet) and slid down the steps on my backside.
Midway on the slide down, I was just like, “Yep, am I done yet? Nope. That’s cool. Let’s continue…” That is so my luck, though!
Until next time…
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Check out some more of our posts below:
- I Still Haven’t Slept (Coming Down From a Manic Episode)
- Late Night Thoughts: July 21, 2021
- My Life Has Been Uprooted Once Again
- Gratitude For June 23, 2021
- My Insomniac Thoughts of The Night (Or Early Morning Depending On Who You Ask)
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.