Posted November 30, 2019 by Samantha Our Personal Blog

Happy (Belated) Thanksgiving 🦃

Happy (Belated) Thanksgiving 🦃

I know Thanksgiving was about 3 days ago, but I would still like to wish everyone a very Happy (belated) Thanksgiving! I hope everyone who celebrated this holiday in the U.S. had a great day with their loved ones. I know the holidays can be challenging for many people; myself included.

The day before Thanksgiving (November 27th, 2019) was the death anniversary for my beloved grandmother, Joann. It has been 7 very long years since she passed away suddenly at 62-years-old. 2012 was the last Thanksgiving that she was around and she died a few days afterward.

She had called me Thanksgiving day (2012) but I missed her call and thought that I could just call her later. Well, later never came and I am still kicking myself in the ass after all these years for not calling her back that very same day. I try to always keep that in mind when I start to get the mindset that I can just always call someone later because sometimes you never get another opportunity. Everyone’s days are numbered, and I mean everyone.

So, needless to say, this Thanksgiving was a little hard for me because of my grandmother’s death anniversary being literally the day before the holiday. Plus, on top of that, it was my first Thanksgiving in 7 years that I wasn’t with my ex to celebrate. It was just a hard day in general. Regardless of those two things, I put a brave smile on my face and acted like I was totally fine because I didn’t want to ruin the holiday for my mom.

It was just my mom and I this year. My sister had to work and both my brothers had to work even though my one brother went to his girlfriends’ parents house for a few hours. We cooked and had a full meal and I wrote for a while. It was a fairly relaxing day for the most part; minus the fact that I had this massive sadness that I was stuffing deep down inside of me.

I have really been missing my grandmother lately. She was the one person in my life who had never abandoned me no matter who challenging or difficult I got. She may not have liked all the decisions that I had made in my life, but she still loved and supported me no matter what I decided to do. It’s hard to find people who won’t walk away from you when you are at your worst.

While she was alive, I must say, I was at my worst quite often. I don’t think she ever really got to see my at my best. I wish she could be here to see me now that I have given up the booze and to see how much I have grown and changed over the years. Out of all her many grandchildren, I was always the closest to her. I’ve had a lot of loss in my life, and losing her is still the hardest.

My mom has a friend whose mother is a medium/psychic. I would like to meet with her one day to see if she can help me get in touch with my grandmother from beyond the grave. I don’t know how others feel about things like this, but I am a firm believer in the afterlife. There is so much evidence supporting that there is another side to life that it’s really hard not to believe in it.

I would love to know if my grandmother ever watches over me and if she is proud of me for some of things that I have accomplished since her passing. I want to know that wherever she is, that she is okay. When my mom went to see this medium/psychic in the past, she made contact with my grammy. I feel like I need to have some kind of closure to know that my gram isn’t mad at me in the afterlife for never being able to return her phone call. And I don’t want to wait until I leave this earth to find out either.

I wish I would have just answered my phone Thanksgiving of 2012. It’s a deep regret that I have to always live with. The day she died, her husband (he wasn’t my biological grandfather) gave her an entire large bag of Reese’s Pieces (she was diabetic) and she ate most of it and slipped into a diabetic coma in her sleep but it ultimately led to her having a heart attack and passing away.

I know her husband didn’t force her to eat them, but his actions led to her death. I can never, ever forgive him for that. I used to call him my grandfather because he had been around since I was little, however, I haven’t seen him or heard from him since she died. There is a lot of bad blood between him and I and I know that Karma will ultimately give him what he deserves in life. When you love someone who’s diabetic, you don’t give them a big ass bag of their favorite fucking candy.

I honestly don’t think I have been able to eat Reese’s Pieces since she died knowing that was what killed her. And I used to love that candy too. Actually, I shouldn’t be eating much candy these days myself. I am now classified as prediabetic. It runs in my family though. My grandmother, my mom, and my dad are all diabetic. I’m like destined to become full blown diabetic myself. It’s in my genes.

As far as anyone else in my family, I have no idea since I don’t talk to much family at all these days. Most of my family has either disowned me or has a stick up their asses on my moms side. And as for my dads side, well, he was adopted so I honestly have no idea.

So, I have a very minor update on my disability hearing case. I checked the SSA website and it states that they have made a medical decision and that they are working to process their decision. In other words, I still have no idea what their final decision is and just have to wait to get the approval or denial letter. But at least I now know that they have made a decision.

I am going insane waiting for this letter! Even people who have criminal case hearings get a quicker decision about their fate. When I had to face a judge because of something stupid I did during a manic blackout, I knew that same day what was going to happen. This is absolute torture having to wait! I am a very impatient person, and this is really messing with my anxiety levels. I want to know already!

My mind just races with uncertainty. What if I get denied? How am I going to survive? Did I say too much during my hearing or did I say too little? Should I have given more examples? Do they think I was lying even though I was telling the truth? What exactly is in my medical records from my psych doctors office? Did they get notes from my therapist too? My lawyer seemed satisfied enough but I also know that she can’t tell me if she thinks I am going to get approved or not just in case she is wrong. 😳😭😬

I know I keep going on about this in almost every post, but it is a major deal for me. I also realized that I forgot to thank my lawyer for cutting a check in order to get my medical records. I keep thinking about how rude it was of me not to thank her but my mind was elsewhere on the day of my hearing.

Well, it is after 11 p.m. so I should probably try to wind down and get some rest if my mind will allow me to do so. I am feeling pretty awake right now, but my mom is ready for bed and I am keeping her awake with my typing.

Have a good night, everyone! Sweet dreams! Until next time…

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Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.