If you couldn’t already tell by the title and picture of this post, I am feeling pretty manic today. My mind is going a million miles a minute and my fingers and mouth can’t seem to keep up. I keep making so many typing errors already just because I am trying to type as fast as humanly possible since my mind is going so fast.
I was in a very, very happy/euphoric mood since I first woke up at 1 a.m. But since it was so early, I was told to go back to bed. So I did; until about 6 a.m. After that, I was up for the day. However, that happiness is already starting to fade and get replaced by agitation and frustration.
I am utilizing my main coping mechanism by writing this blog post; which some of you already know that mechanism is writing. I love to write. It helps calm me down and refocuses me. Even my sponsor agreed that writing should be my main goal today.
I am also going to an AA meeting tonight with my sponsor. She is picking me up at 6:30 p.m. I told her if I text her to change my mind about going to say, “No, you are still going,” because I will just agree and go anyway. Although, I am kind of changing my mind but now since I told her that it would be pointless to text her and say that I no longer want to go.
To be honest, I no longer want to be around other people when just like an hour ago I was talking to anyone who would listen to me. I believe I am now in a mixed episode and those suck big time. I pretty much want to laugh and cry at the same damn time. I just want to be alone in my own space; something that I don’t have right now since I am pretty much homeless and couch surfing.
My Disability Hearing…
My disability hearing lasted for an hour. I am not sure what the average time length is. It actually went a little over an hour. I think it went well enough, and my lawyer said that I did a ‘great’ job. I really hope I did. I was so scared. I had a panic attack when I saw my lawyer and another one when I was in the room with the judge on the screen. It was a video conference hearing.
I really hope my lawyer wouldn’t say I did ‘great’ if I didn’t. After talking to my lawyer afterward, the person I was with said it sounds like I am going to get approved. I was zoning in and out because of all the anxiety.
What I don’t talk about a lot is my dissociative disorder which came up a lot during the hearing. I have these episodes frequently; about 6-7 times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. It honestly all depends on my mood.
During these episodes, I will blackout and not know what’s going on even though I continue to do stuff. It is the scariest thing sometimes. I am never able to remember what happened during these blackouts. Sometimes they happen out of nowhere and sometimes they are trigged by like mania or anxiety.
I may have had an episode like that today in between the mood shifts. I am missing about 45-60 minutes of time. It sounds insane, I know. It has been happening to me for years and I never really noticed it too bad until I got sober and it continued to happen. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this happens to me all the damn time.
When the dissociative episodes happen, I am no longer myself. It is like someone else is behind the wheel and I am no longer even a passenger; I am no longer even in the same vehicle.
The Waiting Game
So, for my hearing, my mental health records from the clinic weren’t all in. My lawyer said she had to cut them a check in order to get my records. My case is open until the 7th of December. After that, and they get my records, they will make a final decision.
I really, really hope I get approved. My whole life depends on this. The person I went with keeps reassuring me that I did a great job and that I have it.
Now, I am playing the waiting game. I hate waiting. In general, I am a very impatient woman. I hate waiting. And now I am waiting on some judge who doesn’t even know what I am like all the time (minus the panic attack I had) to decide my fate.
Waiting… Waiting… Waiting…
“I sit, stand, wait, and then wait some more. But what am I waiting for?”Life Gone Wrong by Samantha Steiner
This quote from my first book, which isn’t actually published… yet, explains how I am feeling right now. “I sit, stand, and then wait some more.” Although, I know exactly what I am waiting for. I am not as anxious as I was before the hearing, but I am still anxious to find out what the final decision is.
I think it went well, but I could be totally wrong. This is my third time applying but my first appeal hearing. I think I am overthinking things; a lot. I am a worrier and I don’t know how to change it.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.