Late Nights & Anxiety
It is currently after 3 o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake. I probably should try to get some sleep since I see my psychiatrist at 8:30 a.m., but I don’t think I am going to be getting much sleep. My body is tired and in so much physical pain (My back has been killing me!) but my mind is wide awake; which happens all too often. So, right now, I am #TeamNoSleep once again.
I think one reason sleep keeps eluding me lately is that my hearing for disability is in two days — since it is officially Tuesday, November 19, 2019. I know I have been mentioning it a lot lately, but it is a major life-changing deal for me. I’ll either be able to survive, or I’ll be totally screwed and taken back to the drawing board.
What really sucks is that even after my hearing the constant anxiety and nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach won’t exactly subside since they generally don’t tell you whether they are going to approve you or deny you at the hearing. You have to anxiously wait for an approval or denial letter to come in the snail mail.
I have been told that typically the lawyers get a sense of whether or not you’re going to be approved, but since it is not guaranteed I know that I will continue with the never-ending anxiety until I get that letter. It’s complete torture! It’s pretty much a screwed up waiting game. But at least I will soon know what my future holds.
Ever since June, my future has felt bleak and almost non-existent. My life had completely fallen apart (again) and I have been trying to slowly pick the pieces back up ever since. But couch surfing and pretty much being homeless have not really helped the bleak feeling very much. I don’t have a space to call my own, and I think not having that has been one of the hardest parts. However, I’m grateful I am not sleeping on the streets — yet. But who knows what will happen if I get denied.
I tend to overthink, and that really screws with my head most of the time. I can’t seem to stop it either. The thoughts just keep racing and bouncing around inside my head and they continue to drive me crazy. Well, crazier than I already am. I feel like with how bad my anxiety has been lately, my antianxiety meds don’t even touch the insanity that’s inside my mind.
I am definitely going to have to bring all this up with my psychiatrist this morning. Perhaps there may be room to go up a little bit with my antianxiety meds; even if it’s only temporary. My doctor already said that she might prescribe me a single dose of something a bit stronger than what I am currently on for my hearing so that I don’t have a panic attack before I even walk through the door.
Although, maybe having a panic when I get there wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It may feel really bad and unpleasant but at least the judge would be able to see what I am really like on a regular basis. I’m petrified of losing my shit while I am there though and just breaking down into tears.
I am undecided about whether or not I even want anything stronger for that day for the sole reason of not wanting to appear calmer than I usually am. If you follow my blog, you probably already know that I am generally not the calmest person out there. The littlest of things can set me off and I tend to catastrophize everything; meaning I always think everything is the end of the world — my world.
My friend gave me a really good idea, though. She suggested that I get a letter from my psych doctor stating that she had to prescribe me something stronger for the hearing to prevent me from having a panic attack and overwhelming, debilitating anxiety that day. I don’t even know if that would be allowed but if I were to take something stronger, at least it would explain why I would be much calmer than normal.
Usually, Kratom helps to calm my anxiety and nerves when added in combination with my medications, but even that is letting me down right now. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it is helping but not as much as normal. Maybe that is just because of how messy the inside of me feels right now.
I hate when I get like this and as Thursday inches closer, it just continues to get worse and worse. I can’t take it anymore. I know I am driving everyone else insane with my anxiety and edginess too. I try to hide it and act like I’m not as bad as I am, but it’s getting incredibly hard to even keep from clawing my eyes out. My skin even feels like it is crawling.
It’s almost unbearably uncomfortable to sit with these feelings. Even a drink sounds nice right about now, but I know that would only make things so much worse for me as well as the people who love and care about me. (Whoa, did I just say that?)
On top of what is going with me internally right now, my psych doctor is going to have to play with my Abilify dose again thanks to my insurance only allowing me thirty 5mg tabs in a 30 day period. Doesn’t sound too bad right? Well, I am on 7.5mg which means I need 45 and not 30 for a one month supply. I have to take 1.5 tabs daily. Now, she is either going to have to lower it or increase it and see if Gateway will cover it. The lower dose just wasn’t enough and who knows if my insurance will cover the higher dose now.
I am seriously hoping they just aren’t covering it because of the half tab and not because they won’t allow a higher dose. Abilify is the first psych med for bipolar disorder (besides my Vraylar) that hasn’t caused any harsh side effects with me within the past two years. I am worried that if my doctor increases the dose higher than the 7.5mg I will end up with unwanted side effects because that would just be my dumb luck.
It is already almost 5 o’clock in the morning and I feel like I have just been rambling nonstop by the past two hours. But I believe that blogging has gotten some of the junk out of my head so that it doesn’t feel like this building pressure that is about to explode.
Thanks for letting me vent & thanks for reading!
Check out some more of our latest posts below!
- I Still Haven’t Slept (Coming Down From a Manic Episode)
- Late Night Thoughts: July 21, 2021
- My Life Has Been Uprooted Once Again
- Gratitude For June 23, 2021
- My Insomniac Thoughts of The Night (Or Early Morning Depending On Who You Ask)
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Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.